A Miracle We Give Ourselves

I notice there's a tendency in me and in society to avoid the deep and dark places. We are uncomfortable with displays of depression and despair.

The other day, a friend posted on facebook that she felt depressed and the majority of her friends said, “Are you getting help? Are you taking medication?” I'm not saying people shouldn't take meds and shouldn't seek help, but it's interesting to notice their reactions. How quickly people turned to solutions instead of saying, “I hear you,” or “Me too.”

I understand the rush toward solutions. I know in myself, the minute I feel depressed or hopeless, I want to leave those states as quickly as possible. I don't want to sit with the feelings, I don't want to acknowledge them, I don't want to give them air time. If I could bypass all the uncomfortable feelings, that would be great, thanks.

Even small acts of love can have great effects.

As my therapist reminds me, it doesn't work that way. I can't pretend certain feelings don't exist just because I'd rather they didn't. The only way to move through the feelings is to first have awareness of them, and second to feel them. In thinking of my spiritual practices, I'd like to add a third step.

I am reminded of the work crafted by a monk I knew. He used to say every cell of our body is longing for liberation, is longing for oneness with something greater than ourselves. Not only the parts we acknowledge, but the parts we push away as well. He went to graduate school for psychology and developed a mantra therapy technique combining what he learned there with the principles of our yoga and meditation group. In these heart circles, as he called them, people would sit in a circle. One person would sit in the center of the circle and think about an emotion or belief they wanted release from. Then everyone on the perimeter sang to the person in the center. They verbally bathed the person with a Sanskrit mantra, sending them love. They imagined love coming through them and directed it to the person in the center of the circle.

I've been in many a circle, and people often weep or their expression softens or they start beaming. Something happens. Something happens because all parts of us want love. All parts want acknowledgment. All parts want us to say, “I see you, I hear you, and I love you.”

This week as I've sat with my own hard feelings, I've directed love their way. Not to drown them out, but in an act of tenderness and care. As Doreen Virtue says, “Love is the miracle that heals all things,” and that includes me. Instead of hating certain emotions, instead of pushing them away, instead of pretending they don't exist, instead of skipping over them, I'm sending them love. I'm going to the deepest, darkest places within me and saying, “I'm here and I love you,” because that's ultimately what I want. And what we all want.

I dream of a world where we give all parts of ourselves air time. A world where we embrace all parts of ourselves and say, “I'm here and I love you.” A world where we recognize love is the miracle that heals all things and it's a miracle we can give to ourselves.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

We Ultimately Get What We Want

This post is a continuation of one I wrote a few weeks ago called “It won’t look the way we think,” because I’m finding what I think I want and what I actually want can sometimes be two different things. This happens to me at times when my life is about to undergo a major shift, when I’m shedding old skin and growing into someone new. The first time my egoic desires didn’t line up with my heart’s desires was when I had to decide whether to move to San Francisco or not. After college I really thought I’d be happy living in the suburbs of D.C. for the rest of my life with a husband and two cats, writing for a magazine. The universe had other things in mind and threw me an enormous curveball by telling me, “No. You don’t want to live in D.C. forever – you need to move to San Francisco.” The journey that took me from D.C. to California is detailed extensively in my book, Just a Girl from Kansas, which will be available to friends and family (and followers of this blog) in the next few weeks. And now I find myself at another crossroads.

Many of you already know this – especially because I blogged about it in November – but I have had a HELL of a time sleeping in my apartment. It’s been one damn thing after another since August. In my mind, I was going to live in this apartment until I got married but the universe has other plans because it’s again telling me, “No, you need to move now.” I know this because it has literally been one thing after another to keep me from enjoying my space, not to mention I’m scared to go to sleep every night because I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep through it. My friend said to me, “That’s no way to live.” And he’s right, it’s not. The interesting thing is prior to all of this no-sleeping business I literally cried multiple times because I wished someone would make dinner for me while I packed to leave for a trip. I thought it was going to be in the form of a boyfriend, but it turns out I’m moving into a house where they like to make dinner for everyone in it.

This moving situation is again an instance where my head desires and heart desires are misaligned because the house is everything I’ve asked for. It’s big, has an alcove separate from my bedroom that can be my work space, it’s sunny, with a dishwasher, washer and dryer, close to public transportation, quiet, and filled with people who are ready and willing to share cooking and cleaning. Sounds like what I ultimately wanted, yes?

I’ve been grieving about leaving my old place because I really have loved living here. While listening to Doreen Virtue’s blog radio show I finally felt some peace. The caller (also named Rebecca) said her life feels like it’s unraveling. Doreen’s response to her was, “Let your life unravel – that’s not what you want anymore anyway.” Her words struck me because that’s also true for me. Because I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to live here anymore. I don’t want to constantly have to assert myself. I don’t want to have to deal with random noises and neighbors and parking lots attendants whistling to get someone’s attention. I’m trading that all in for a place where I hear birds whistling, not people. Where there’s no one stomping around above me. Where I don’t have to worry about passing crack addicts and homeless people. So maybe my higher power knows what I want and need better than I do.

I dream of a world where we allow ourselves to move with the universal energy that’s guiding us. A world where we stretch our goals and dreams and allow them to change as we change. A world where we pay attention to the reality before us and do something about it. A world where we know sometimes our heart and our head won’t match up but that’s ok, because in the end we’ll get what we ultimately wanted anyway.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

It Won’t Look the Way We Think

I have preconceived notions of what my life will look like and how I will get my needs met. What I’m finding out though is the universe is so much bigger and broader and takes care of me in ways I didn’t think it would. For instance, this week I’ve been sick. As in so sick I didn’t leave the house for three days and mainlined tea like it was my job. I had this idea the only people who would take care of me when I’m sick are my mom and my boyfriend. Well, my mom lives in Seattle and my boyfriend is nonexistent, so I resigned myself to being really pathetic on the couch. Instead, however, my good friend come over and made me dinner and tea. How sweet is that?

What I found really touching is my needs are getting met, just not how I thought they would. It reminds me of one of my favorite movies Under the Tuscan Sun. At the beginning of the movie Diane Lane’s character says she wants a family in her house, and a wedding, and someone to cook for. In the end, it’s pointed out to her there is a family in her house, and she did host a wedding, and there were plenty of people to cook for – just not a significant other. The family was her best friend and her best friend’s baby, the wedding was for a neighbor, and the people to cook for were the contractors on her house. But it still all happened. All her needs and desires were fulfilled. That’s what’s going on with me these days. I don’t have a significant other but that doesn’t mean my life is limited because of it. I have friends making me dinner, a community to support me, and a family to lean on. I’m getting what I want, just not the way I thought I would.

I guess this post is about how my view is limited, how I can get tunnel vision, but how the universe gets to see everything. How my higher power says, “I will give you everything you want and more, but it’s going to come out of left field.” Because I didn’t expect these things. I didn’t expect anyone would voluntarily make me dinner while being sick because that seems like a contractual obligation or something that goes along with being my boyfriend. How lovely though that there are people in my life who are willing to do that. I am one lucky girl.

This post is also an effort for me to commit to letting the universe work its magic and not get caught up in the “how.” Doreen Virtue had a great quote where she said we want to hand life a script and quibble about what’s on page 42. I don’t want to quibble about page 42 anymore. I would rather say, “Hey God, here’s what I want, here are my needs and desires, I know they’ll be fulfilled, and I look forward to seeing how you make it happen.” Because in the end it most likely won’t look how I think it will.

I dream of a world where we’re open to all possibilities. A world where we understand our needs and desires get met in interesting and unique ways. A world where we don’t hand the universe a script because we realize it’s more like improv – there are certain parameters but for the most part stuff gets made up on the fly. I dream of a world we rest easy knowing we’ll get exactly what we need. and most of what we want as long as we’re open to whatever form that will take.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

We Are as Safe as We'd Like to Be

This weekend I had a profound experience. For the past month or so I’ve been feeling very unsafe. I’ve felt violated and fearful, waiting for something bad to happen. Waiting for someone to mug me on the street or to break into my apartment. I wouldn’t recommend it, feeling intense fear like that. It’s partly because my sleep has been all kinds of messed up and thus my mind and body are freaking out, turning small anxiety-mole hills into giant fear-mountains. But it’s also because there’s scaffolding outside my apartment building.

The first week it went up one evening a woman sat on the bottom of the scaffolding while her boyfriend took her picture. I stuck my head out the window and said, “Are you almost finished? I’m trying to sleep.” They apologized and moved on but I spent the rest of the night FREAKING OUT, scared someone not-so-friendly would try something similar. In response, I called the police and asked them to patrol my neighborhood in the evenings. My friends and family members tried to convince me I was safe, telling me no one would break into my apartment because they’d have to climb up the scaffolding and then down again with their booty, no easy task.

I didn’t believe them.

So for the past month I’ve been shielding the hell out myself and my apartment. I’ve been praying my face off asking angels to station themselves at my doors and windows. I downloaded Doreen Virtue’s “Protection and Safety” podcast and listened to it every night. And at one point I said I couldn’t take being at my apartment anymore because not only did I have to deal with scaffolding, but a loud neighbor, and I desperately needed some sleep. A friend came to my rescue and offered her place while she was out of town.

Friday night I scampered to her place (also freaking out that I wouldn’t be able to find it in the dark) and spent a blissful night’s sleep in a quiet haven. On Saturday morning the manager of my building called to check in on me because, get this, someone CLIMBED THE SCAFFOLDING AND BROKE MY UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR’S WINDOW. When I came home to make sure my unit was safe, I found the place untouched, just as I left it. I laughed when I saw everything was fine because it showed me divine protection works. It showed me I really can pray for my safety. I really can ask for protection.

The events of Friday night, when I was away mind you, were like a test and God and the angels passed with flying colors. The robbers had every reason to break into my apartment, it is closer to the ground after all, but they didn’t. They completely bypassed my unit. I don’t think it’s because I’m lucky, I think it’s because I asked for help. I’m safe because I asked for it. Yes, I did my part, I’ve engaged in great self-care, but the events of Friday night showed me I don’t have to do everything. I don’t always have to assert myself and be on the defensive because there are divine beings who are looking out for me.

I didn’t realize how much divine protection meant to me until I typed that sentence because I’m tearing up. For someone who’s felt like she always had to take care of herself, who was constantly waiting to be harmed, who constantly had her guard up in case someone tried something, to know she has divine assistance is incredibly touching. I’m so grateful. For the divine protection and also for my friends who are watching out for me. But I wouldn’t have gotten any of it if I hadn’t asked.

I dream of a world where we ask for safety and protection. A world where we understand there are a ton of beings waiting to help us as soon as we say the word. A world where we know it’s safe to be ourselves and to interact with others. A world where we relax because we know someone else is watching out for us.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

I am Already Ready

(Before starting this blogpost I wanted to again mention the live teleconference with Marianne Williamson tomorrow, Aug. 8 for those who are interested.)

I just watched an incredibly inspiring YouTube video by Doreen Virtue on “Moving Ahead With Your Life’s Purpose.” She opens with a quote by Sheldon Kopp: “I’ve never begun any important venture for which I felt adequately prepared.” Wow. What a statement. She goes on to say the ego likes to create “delay tactics” declaring we need to take another class or read another book or reach a certain point before we can do what we want to do. At some level this is true – in order to be a doctor it’s important to receive the proper training – but at the same time it’s important to say, “I’m scared but I’m doing it anyway.”

Hearing Doreen I feel relief because it reminds me perhaps I’ll never think I’m ready. Yesterday I was at The Good Festival promoting my business partner’s book Chasing Glass. When it came time to do the math at the end of the day I panicked a little because I wasn’t sure how to account for the percentage the book paid for the expenses versus our other products (always with the math!). A part of me thinks I can’t do any business, I can’t move forward until I know everything there is to know about bookkeeping. Actually, it’s fine for me to say, “I don’t know” and then ask for help. I don’t need to know everything about everything. Just because I don’t solve equations easily doesn’t mean I’m not ready to have a business! It means I need to ask people to help me.

I also realized while watching Doreen’s video my ego interjects not just with my life purpose but with, you know, my life. There are many things I’ve convinced myself I’m not ready for until I reach a certain point. “When I have clearer skin I’ll be ready for my romantic relationship.” “When I lose X amount of weight I’ll feel good about my body.” “When I have X amount of dollars in the bank I’ll move to San Francisco (that one is obviously from my past).” The truth is I’m already ready. I don’t have to meet some end goal in order to be prepared for something. I can take baby steps along the way. Doreen mentions how as a mother of two small children with a book contract she felt scared and overwhelmed by her task. What she did is write one page for her book a day. And you know what? Eventually she finished it. That may seem a little tangential but my point is I am already ready and I can take small steps to accomplish what I want to accomplish. But ultimately even if I’m scared I take action anyway.

I dream of a world where we recognize we are already ready for the things we want. A world where we don’t have to delay our heart’s desires until we reach a certain point. A world where we recognize our egos like to tell us we’re not ready for something when in truth we are. A world where we understand we are already ready.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.