Living in a Hallway

I’m resharing this post from September 2019 because once again, I find myself in a hallway, metaphorically speaking. That also means the audio clip below is from that time period. Enjoy.



A close friend of mine used an analogy the other day that’s stuck with me. She said her higher power has closed a door in her life and hasn’t opened another one yet. That means for now she’s stuck in a hallway, waiting for another door to open. Yesssssss. That’s so my life right now. I’m in limbo, in a hallway, waiting for something new, for a door to open, but it hasn’t yet and it’s uncomfortable.

I hate this phase. I think most people do. And at the same time, I recognize this is a part of life — it’s filled with speed and then pause. Even when breathing we inhale, pause slightly, and then exhale with another slight pause. When we walk, we put one foot on the ground or we can’t move forward. The left foot makes the next step only if the right foot prepares for the movement by being placed on the ground.

 

I'm waiting for my next door to open. Photo by Rhea Lofranco on Unsplash

 

My spiritual teacher says alternating between speed and pause is crucial for successful movement. “If we wish to say something about speed, or the characteristics of movement, we will have to acknowledge the necessity of the state of pause otherwise it will not be possible to move into the next stage,” he said. “This speed and pause will continue. Pause means gathering momentum for speed in the subsequent phase. If one closely watches the effect of speed on a particular community or the entire humanity, one sees that generally people eulogize the period of speed. However, we cannot afford to ignore the state of pause, because by judging what the previous state of pause was like, we can discern the speed of the next phase.”

A couple of things jump out at me from that quote. First of all, the pause is temporary. It feels like I’m going to be stuck in this hallway forever, but I won’t be. Things will change, they absolutely will, even if a part of me doesn’t believe that. I’m reminded just because I may not believe something doesn’t make it any less true. For instance, some people still believe the Earth is flat, but regardless, the Earth is round.

The other point that jumps out at me from the quote is the last bit, about how the state of pause can help discern the speed of the next phase. What I’m taking that to mean is my life is going to go off like a rocket. All of this momentum, this angst, is going to catapult me into the next phase and my life will move at warp speed. I cannot express how much I’m looking forward to it. And at the same time, I’m recognizing the necessity for this state of pause, this place where I’m spinning my wheels, revving my engine, and getting ready to zoom ahead. Pretty soon a door will open and I’m going to bolt through it. But for now, I’m here, in a hallway.

I dream of a world where we recognize the importance of limbo periods. A world where we understand in order to move ahead, we also have to pause, to gather momentum. A world where we recognize even when it seems like we’re standing still, it’s all in service of what’s next.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Looking for Mirrors

The other day I noticed an Instagram influencer with millions of followers and she has messages like: "This is where your excuses come to die" and "Don't let anything stop you." I started wondering, why are these messages so popular? Why does this woman have so many followers? And then it occurred to me, we're all looking for mirrors, metaphorically speaking.

What I mean is we seek people, situations, experiences, perspectives, etc. that reflect our insides in order to feel safe. If I think I'm a piece of crap and completely unlovable, then I'll be in relationship with people who convey those messages to me through words and actions. If I believe I'm amazing, then I'll be in relationship with people who convey those messages to me through words and actions.

We want our outsides to match our insides. Photo by Ashim D’Silva on Unsplash

What does this have to do with safety? If something doesn't fit into our worldview, it's threatening. To go back to my earlier example, if I think I'm a piece of crap, having someone tell me otherwise will lead to suspicion. "What's wrong with this person if they think I'm great?" or another common thought is, "If they only knew the real me, they wouldn't believe I'm so great." Eventually I'd stop hanging out with that person because hearing I'm awesome would be too triggering. It would then be easy to think my relationships are so terrible because other people are the problem, when in reality the world is merely reflecting what I'm projecting.

Why am I bringing this up? I'm bringing it up because it's easy to believe life is better when something external changes, and that's true, the external is important, but how many of us are working on our insides? How many of us recognize the connection between our inner world and our outer world?

According to the spiritual philosophy I align with, everything is a thought projection of Cosmic Consciousness. That means nothing is external and everything is internal. It then follows how and why the same is true for the individual -- that my internal world gets reflected externally. I understand not everyone will jive with that philosophy, and that's fine. The point I'm trying to make -- and perhaps awkwardly because I'm still sick -- is that there's no difference between the internal and external. What we feel, we project and we seek out. We are all looking for mirrors.

I dream of a world where we understand in order to change our experience of the world we must change our internal reality. A world where we realize oftentimes the external won't change until the internal does. A world where we realize we are all looking for mirrors.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Bigger than Us

The other day I fretted about my job situation, worried I won't find another one, or I won't find another one that I like, that suits me, etc. I applied some spiritual principles -- mainly recognizing I'm not in control of this, but I have a higher power -- and came to the conclusion my higher power is bigger than all of this.

When I think about myself and my situation it's from a small and limited perspective. You could call it ego or fear, but regardless, it keeps me locked into limitation. It keeps me from believing in miracles and possibilities. That self is like Chicken Little, declaring the sky is falling because an acorn fell on her head. Did you know there are multiple versions of the Chicken Little story? In one version, Chicken Little and all her friends are lured to a fox's den and never seen again. In another, they tell a king and the king reassures them the sky is not falling, plucking an acorn from Chicken Little's head.

I'd like to frequent the metaphorical palace. Photo by Victoriano Izquierdo on Unsplash

This story appeals to me right now because I see my situation as a fork in the road with different outcomes. I could be like Chicken Little and let my fear lead me to a metaphorical fox's den where I'll be devoured, or I could be like Chicken Little and let my fear lead me to a metaphorical palace where I'll be reassured. My higher power is the royalty in this situation -- bigger, more powerful, and thoroughly capable.

The other day I watched a movie about Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. It reminded me back in the day royalty could accomplish the seemingly impossible. He wanted to marry Anne Boleyn so badly he created his own freaking church so he could divorce Catherine of Aragon. That may not seem like a big deal in this modern age where we can create a church in 10 minutes by purchasing a domain name on the internet, but back then? Unthinkable. Practically impossible. And he did it anyway. My higher power is not Henry VIII, but nonetheless, has royal qualities, which means my higher power can totally handle this job situation.

My higher power is bigger than me and thus capable of miracles. I've already been the recipient of miracles over and over again. In fact, I'm writing this blogpost from a miracle: my apartment. By all accounts this situation shouldn't exist: I live alone in a quiet place that I can afford with laundry onsite and in a good location close to public transportation. In the Bay Area that's like the Holy Grail. Can it be possible then my job will be similar? Sometimes I believe that and sometimes I don't, but the more I remember my higher power is bigger than me, the more reassured I feel.

I dream of a world where we remember the divine is greater, more powerful, and more capable than we are. A world where we realize those qualities mean miracles can manifest in a multitude of ways. A world where we're reassured by something bigger than us.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Maybe We Don't Need to Know

My therapist said something to me this week that I'd heard before but this time I really heard. He told me, "There are some things you don't need to know." I'm a curious person and want to know everything. That curiosity is a key component of being a journalist. It's a journalist's job to find out as much as possible about a story. However, truly, there are some things we don't need to know.

I think we understand this in the context of children. Children are not served by hearing the full details of scary or complex things. We don't tell them graphic details of war or rape. We may paint with broad brushstrokes or present information in a way they understand, but children don't need to know everything.

I know these are the "evil" monkeys, but they work well with knowledge too. Photo by Joao Tzanno on Unsplash.

In many spiritual traditions, God or higher power or the divine is parentified. We are usually called divine children of God or a variation of that, and so it follows that perhaps higher power treats us the same way a parent would, as in the universe shields us from information. I've said before if I knew all the things the universe had in store for me I would get overwhelmed. That continues to be true. After contemplating I don't need to know everything about the future, I feel more at ease. I feel more at peace. I feel more trust that it's not my job to gather as much information as possible and strategize regarding all the scenarios.

We have the saying, "Ignorance is bliss." I usually think about that expression with wistfulness, wishing I could go back in time and remain ignorant to bad news. Or I utter it with envy, wishing I could be like someone else who doesn't know what I know. However, maybe I can continue to experience bliss in the form of ignorance by remembering I don't have to answer every question; that I don't have to know what will happen next. Maybe it's OK for me to be in the dark sometimes and trust it's for a good reason. Maybe I can relax into the knowledge I am still a child and there is still a parent taking care of me. Not my birth parents, although them too, but also an unseen parent, a mystical parent.

My spiritual teacher says it is the duty of the Cosmic Consciousness to look after us, the divine children. He also said this Cosmic Consciousness will do whatever is best for us, that our needs and necessities are better known by this divine energy.

"A child of two months does not know what she requires; her mother knows," he wrote. "She is solely dependent upon her mother. Similarly, devotees are solely dependent on the Cosmic Father, and for that reason the Cosmic Father has a special responsibility."

For today anyway, I'm feeling into that more, letting myself be a child. Letting myself swim in ignorance, recognizing the bliss that comes with it. I'm remembering I don't need to know everything and also that I'm dependent on a power greater than myself that is taking care of me.

I dream of a world where we realize sometimes it's OK to be in the dark. A world where we understand we don't need to know everything. A world where we realize there is a force greater than us in the world and that force is here, acting as our parent.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

All is Well

I didn't sleep well last night so I'm recycling this blogpost from March 2014. It's a message I need to hear and I'm sure others do as well. It's a letter to me from my higher power. I'm defining my higher power as an unconditionally loving entity.

I love you. All is well. Your mind is caught up in many things – this and that – a lot of dramas that make life interesting, but in the end they don’t matter. All is well. All is love. Everything is working out the way it’s supposed to. Even your difficulties will pass eventually as you are progressing through your life, learning your lessons, and come more into the fullness of your being.

What a great photo, right? Photo by Stephen Leonardi on Unsplash.

Do not worry about how things will work out; just know they will work out. Do not live in the future where nothing is certain, nothing is guaranteed, and instead enjoy this moment of your life because there will never be another one like it. The future will take care of itself if you take care of yourself. Keep your thoughts optimistic and keep focusing on Me.

There are many things to distract you from realizing your goal, but remember the point of your life is not to acquire fame and wealth. Or kids and a partner. The point of your life is move closer to Me, toward spirit, toward love, toward the universe. The point of your life is to realize yourself not as you are now, but as you are meant to be – an incarnation of a cosmic entity. You are a divine and magnificent being full of wonder and love. Do not let yourself get bogged down by the trappings of human life because they too are an expression of Me.

You are on a path of love, of light, of truth. When you recall that, everything else will slip away because all is well. All is love. I love you and I am with you, now, forever, and always.

I dream of a world where we remember all is well. A world where we keep our minds pointed toward spirit. A world where we take care of ourselves and each other. A world where we detach from the dramas of today because we remember they, too, will pass. A world where we live in the fullness of our being because we know all is well.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

We Are Not to Blame

For better or for worse, I take responsibility for everything in my life. Poor? That's my doing. Single? My fault. Sick? That's on me. That's the message we receive over and over in our society; that we're the master of our fate and the captain of our soul. However, I'm reminded, again, that's not entirely true.

One of my friends has been heartbroken over and over again. He mentioned it to a psychic and the psychic said my friend is repeatedly getting his heart broken because in a past life he was an abuser of women, and in this life, being on the receiving end of heartbreak is his retribution. The karma is being balanced, if you will. Furthermore, the psychic said my friend's current beau was one of those abused women in a past life, which explains so much about their relationship dynamic. The beau is very timid around my friend, walking on eggshells, and learning how to reclaim her power in the relationship. The two were thrown together in this life because they have some unfinished business.

This? I'm not responsible for.

When my friend told me this story, I felt such relief because I'm reminded I am not to blame for everything in my life. That there are forces at work in my life and everyone else's life that I haven't thought about or even begun to understand. It's like dominoes -- one falling domino sets off a chain reaction, but the reaction may not manifest until down the road. Things I've done in past lives are still affecting me now. It's a law of nature that for every action there will be a reaction, and knowing that I feel relief.

Maybe I'm single not because I choose the wrong men or am too picky or a leper, or any other reason I could come up with that points the finger at me. Maybe I'm single for reasons I haven't even entertained, like things I did in a past life. Similarly, maybe I'm not a world-renowned inspirational speaker for the same reasons. Maybe all of it has absolutely nothing to do with me and instead I'm undergoing reactions for things I did in the distant past.

Instead of thinking of myself as the master of my fate, maybe it's better to think of myself as a musician. Right now I'm like the first violinist who has her sheet music but is forgetting there are other musicians in the orchestra, and furthermore that there's a conductor overseeing the whole piece. I like to think of myself as the conductor, but I'm not, I'm the violinist.

I am extremely tired so I don't know if I'm getting my point across, but what I'm trying to say here is we aren't in control of every aspect of our lives. We aren't to blame for every crappy thing that happens to us, nor are we to blame for every good thing that happens to us. There is something else present, and that presence is God or higher power or whatever term you have for it. For better or for worse, we are not alone and we are not in charge.

I dream of a world where we remember higher power is present in all things and situations. A world where we realize we are not in control of everything nor are we to blame for everything. A world where we take ourselves off the hook and remember we are not the conductor of this orchestra, but rather we are the musicians.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Life as a Mystery

I would say the driving question of my life is, "Why?" I want to know the reason behind everything and in particular why things are the way they are, or why they happened. Part of it is because I'm a curious person (I am a journalist after all), but another part is because uncertainty and ambiguity freaks me out. I want to know so I can feel safe. The more information I have, the safer and more secure I feel. As you can imagine, this makes me a bit of a control freak. Control though is basically impossible and this week I received a huge lesson in letting go as well as a reminder that even if I think something is certain, it's not.

I spoke with a friend about all this and he reminded me that the essential nature of our relationship to Higher Power is one of mystery. He likened it to being on a train where only Higher Power knows the destination. I think I know where we're going as we crest hills and drop into valleys -- I formulate an idea, but then the train keeps moving, so no, I don't have a clue.

Life is like a mystery train with the destination unknown. 

What I also took away from our conversation is the more I try to understand, to know, and to control, the rougher my relationship with Higher Power is, and the rougher things are in the external world. The more I can let go and be OK with the mystery of life, the less I'm affected by curveballs and plans going awry. I'm sure you've heard the joke, "When we make plans, God laughs," because the point is we are very much not in control.

Parades get rained on, people trip down the stairs, jobs are eliminated. Instead of working so hard to be in control, to be certain of outcomes, it's better for me trust I'll be able to handle whatever comes my way. It's also better for me to be OK with the mystery of the universe because for some things I'll never get an answer and seeking one I only drive myself crazy.

My spiritual teacher says God has been "creating this unique, colorful world with His various powers. Why He is doing so is known to Him alone; no one else knows it. … It is a fact that human beings with their limited intellect can never understand the secrets of why and how [God] has been creating this universe; their wisdom can never fathom this mystery. … You should think, 'My little intellect cannot fathom all this – rather let me do one thing, let me establish a relation of sweet love with Him. When this relation of love is established, He will be my own, and I will know His inner secret; I will certainly find the answers to all the questions ‘why’.”

I don't know if I'll finally know the answers to all my questions, but it certainly beats what I've been doing, which is hypothesizing, ruminating, and just generally overthinking. I still want to know why about everything, but what I'm coming to accept is my limited intellect is just that: limited. What helps me with the limitation is realizing life is a mystery and will remain a mystery. People are mysteries. Certain occurrences are mysteries. I can't know everything the moment I want to, I just can't, so the best I can do is let go and keep developing a loving relationship with myself and with my Higher Power. And maybe one day I'll eventually get the answers I seek.

I dream of a world where we realize life is mysterious and we allow it to be so. A world where we're open to possibilities and uncertainty because we realize we can still be safe in the face of ambiguity. A world where we work on loving ourselves and the universe because that's all we can do.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Softening the Blow

The other day the blinds fell off my window. They landed in such a way that nothing was broken or harmed – no small task considering my desk sits in front of the window and is littered with knickknacks, a monitor, my computer, my printer, etc. When the blinds, fell it got me thinking about the unavoidable, uncontrollable things in life.

Those blinds? They had to fall because the tab that locks them into place became loose and I pulled them in such a way the entire contraption crashed to the floor. However, it was pure luck that kept those blinds from hitting me in the head, or smashing into my computer monitor, or destroying my trinkets. But was it really luck? I don't think it was. When I reflect on my life, it's clear there is some kind of benevolent force watching out for me – call it higher power, call it God, call it a guru, a guardian angel – but there is definitely something.

I'd like to think in some ways I'm wrapped in yarn.

Contemplating the blinds, I started musing about the not-so-pleasant things that are also out of my control, like getting hit by a car or broken into or mugged or anything else. Maybe for whatever reason (fate, karma, samskaras) certain things must happen, they must take place, but a benevolent force is softening the blow for us, keeping it from being as terrible as it could be.

When I got hit by a car as a pedestrian in November 2013, all I could think was, “Why me? Why did this happen to me and why didn't any benevolent force stop it?” All the faith-oriented people around me kept saying, “Your higher power is the one that kept you from needing to go to the hospital!” but I didn't buy it. Why should I put my faith and trust in some unseen force to keep me safe if I'm not going to be safe? If I'm going to get hit by a car anyway? What I'm coming to here is acceptance – I cannot keep someone from hitting me again or breaking into my home anymore than I already am by cautiously crossing the street and locking my doors. I've spent a good chunk of my life worrying about these things and it certainly hasn't been beneficial. In fact, it's kept me in a lot of fear.

I said to a friend the other day I struggle with turning this safety stuff over to my higher power, but I can at least give it a shot. If need be, I can always start worrying again, but I'd like to try this trust thing. The blinds are a small example of being taken care of, but I've seen larger examples too, like trees that fall in such a way they avoid houses and cars. So maybe for today I can affirm my higher power will keep me safe when possible, but when something must happen to me, at the very least higher power will soften the blow.

I dream of a world where we turn over our fear of future negative events. A world where we trust that some things are inevitable, but there is still a benevolent force watching out for us. A world where we have faith the blow will be softened.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Wishing and Praying

Often when I'm praying it ends up resembling a wishlist. For instance, when I'm looking for a  new place to live I'll say, “Higher Power, please help me find a place to live that's safe, quiet, fits all my belongings, in ____ neighborhood, with laundry onsite, plenty of storage space, and where I can see trees outside my window.” And then I start visualizing and fervently praying – or more like begging – saying “please, please, please” over and over again like a mantra.

And then I get what I asked for. Maybe not exactly – usually the neighborhood is a little further afield than I'd like – but all the other things are there. However, I get things I didn't want either, like overprotective dogs, loud neighbors, poor insulation, or something else that compels me to leave. The trouble is, I don't have all the information, and I won't ever because I'm not omniscient. That leads me to believe that perhaps I don't know what's best for me after all and maybe I need to leave that up to an all-knowing entity.

This photo seems to encapsulate my idea of a prayer. Not sure why, but it does.

According to my beliefs, Higher Power, God, Brahma, the universe, whatever label you want, is omniscient, so it seems to me the best thing I can do is to align my will with the universe's. One of the things that's different about where I currently live – besides the impossible way it came about – is instead of having a wishlist, every morning I said, “Higher Power, please place me where you want me. I want what you want for me. I don't know what's best for me, only you do, so please align my will with yours.” And this apartment is what showed up. It's everything I wanted and more, like being next door to a friend and within walking distance of a pool. I'm finding that when I leave things up to Higher Power, my wildest dreams are ant-sized compared with what lies ahead.

I have to believe because I did things differently, this living situation will turn out differently. Thus far it has. I moved in less than a week ago and already I'm more unpacked than I was in my last place. It's not because I have more energy or more help, rather it's because I want to unpack. I already feel settled in energetically so I want to settle in physically. With my last places, a part of me obviously knew they wouldn't work out so why bother unpacking? I have to admit I'm still gun shy; I'm still worried something will be horrible about where I'm currently living that will compel me to move, but at least I can say I wasn't trying to force my will. That instead I was in a state of surrender, acceptance, and openness. That it came about not through wishing but through praying.

I dream of a world where instead of prayers being wishlists we pray to align our will with a power greater than our own. A world where we understand we don't know all the answers and we won't ever, so we can't possibly know what to ask for in the future. A world where we each live in a state of surrender, acceptance, and serenity.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Shadows on the Wall

This is a repost from December 2010.

Life can be so dramatic can't it? I may get caught up in the circumstances of life – of freaking out about spraining my ankle, getting laid off, tumultuous relationships, even death – but ultimately everything is an expression of an infinite loving consciousness. All of it is God, Brahma, Love, my Higher Power. When I remember that I stop falling for illusions.

In Sanskrit, there is a word maya that means just that – illusion. More deeply, maya means all the worldly trappings that distract us. That’s not to say the worldly trappings don’t exist, but really they are like shadows on the wall. They exist but we’re not seeing their true form.

Sometimes I get caught up in the "shadows" (aka, life stuff) and forget to focus on what's making the shadows.

I skimmed through one of my favorite books, A Return to Love looking for a quote to fit in with this blogpost and I came across, “Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.” The shadows may dance on the wall, but the hand that creates them remains unperturbed.

This post is my effort to return to love. To remind myself what is real. Is it the pain in my ankle? Is it my financial situation? No. They are merely shadows on the wall. The real reality is my higher power, the infinite loving consciousness. My ego likes to pretend otherwise, likes to enjoy the sound and the fury of life, if you will, because that’s the only way my ego will survive.

In truth, I am peace, I am love, I am divine. In truth, all is well, all always was well, all will always be well. No matter the circumstance I go through, no matter the upset, no matter the drama, it’s just noise. The hand creating the shadow is at peace. My soul, my essence remains untouched. Because ultimately love is all there is.

It’s easy to forget and disregard that notion. That everything is an expression of the divine. Especially when life is super dramatic. Except, that’s when I need to pause the most. That’s when I need to jerk my head away from the shadows dancing before me and remind myself where they’re coming from.

I dream of a world where we disengage from the ego’s drama. A world where we bisect the trouble and get to the heart of the matter, which is love is all there is. Even among the violence and upheaval, love is there. Love will always be there. Love always was there. I dream of a world where we know that and feel that and return to that. A world where we focus on the hand creating the shadow rather than the shadow itself.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Fear is Not My Higher Power

I thought about writing a really fluffy post but anxiety is roiling in my stomach like a boat sloshing around the sea so this needs to get out and it needs to be shared.

A few weeks ago I wrote, "Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know," and I meant it. I stand by the tools I mentioned and others shared. However, there are some things that bypass rationality and put me in a tailspin. Some things are so deep it doesn't help to bring out my inner warrior, or have compassion for myself, or ask what's the worst that could happen? I guess you would call these my Issues with a capital I. Maybe these are childhood wounds or what I have to work out in this life. For me, one of my issues is security in all its forms -- financially, physically, emotionally. If my security is perceived to be threatened, I might as well be a rabid dog locked in a kennel because ain't no way some soothing words will calm me down.

I spoke to a lovely friend about all this and she said when she's afraid it's a part of her speaking up. Not her whole being mind you, just a little part. She also said there's a belief if she's "afraid enough" all her problems will be solved. Like if only she experienced enough fear, then everything will be OK, or it will motivate her to take some action. Then she said, "I have to remind myself fear is not my higher power, my higher power is my higher power."

This is sometimes how I visualize my higher power.

 I felt instant relief when she said that because I realized I had been making fear my higher power. I was worshipping at the altar of fear believing it could be my salvation. If I felt X level of fear then I would finally feel secure. What kind of backward thinking is that? (Answer: It's not thinking, it's irrational.)

I've written about this a bajillion times but that's because I remember and then I forget. I cruise along the highway of life in my convertible with the wind blowing in my hair and then I hit a pothole that mangles the axial and my car starts to skid, so I panic and start behaving wildly when actually it would be so much better if I were calm and composed.

I have no answer about all this other than to say it's important for me to bring this to God/the universe/higher power for healing. I cannot transform this behavior on my own, I need divine help and wisdom so these days I pray about it:

My creator, I want that you should have all of me, good and bad. Please help me remember fear doesn't serve me. Please help me stay connected to you and remember what the guiding force is in my life. Please help me to trust in you and remember all is well in my world.

I dream of a world where we surrender our fears and ask for transformation instead of clutching onto them like a child with her favorite toy. I dream of a world where we ask for help when we need it, trusting it will be given to us. A world where we remember a power greater than ourselves. A world where we know when we forget, we'll eventually remember.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Letting Myself Be Mothered

I love my mother. She did a fantastic job not only of taking care of my siblings and me, but showing us how to do things for ourselves. It’s because of my mother that I’m able to cook, clean and sew buttons. Even though I’m a grown woman I still sometimes want to be babied. And by that I mean I still want someone else to take care of me. Not in the sense I want a sugardaddy, but I want someone else to make dinner and wash the dishes and take over for a while because right now it seems like everything falls on my shoulders.

Since I’m out of my parents' house, that means I’m the sole person responsible for my well-being. I have to take care of everything and it can be exhausting, so of course I want to be babied every now and again. Except my view of the world has been flawed. I don’t have to do everything myself. I don’t have to rely completely on myself to take care of me because there is a power greater than myself I haven’t factored into the equation.

It’s a subtle thing, but of late I recognize God takes care of me. I’m not walking through this world completely alone because the universe supports and loves me. There’s an energetic difference because now I’m allowing myself to be taken care of. I’m allowing my higher power to show up for me and shoulder my burdens. One of my burdens is financial. I’m only working part time and I’m freelancing to pay the bills. I’ve been fretting because it feels like I’m completely responsible for all of it. I’ve been telling myself I have to run ragged to make ends meet. I have to find those opportunities, market myself, get out in the world. Everything is on me. I’ve written about allowing things to be what they are, but this is different. This is me acknowledging it doesn’t have to be my concern. I can let God be my ultimate caretaker.

I’m probably rambling a bit but what I’m getting at is God can be the one who’s in charge. The one who makes decisions and steers my life. I don’t have to constantly decide for myself whether something is a good idea or not. I don’t have to stew in worry and anxiety about the world because instead I can check in with my higher power. I can let my higher power decide what’s best for me, where the money will come from, all of it. I am not alone in the world. Not only because I have friends and a community but because there is an energetic being that watches out for me all the time. That sticks with me through thick and thin. That will never abandon me no matter how angry or whiny or childish I act.

I love my mother and I’m extremely grateful for all that she’s done for me. But now I’m allowing my higher power to take over that role for me because really that’s exactly what my higher power is supposed to do.

On this mother’s day, I dream of a world where we let ourselves be taken care of by a power greater than ourselves. A world where we let our mothers also be mothered. A world where we let someone else shoulder the burden for a while. A world where we feel at peace because we know someone else is taking the reins. A world where we know we’ll be provided for now and always.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

The Lie I Told Me

I’ve been lying to myself for quite some time now. I’ve believed something that is blatantly not true but I’m resentful it’s false. You see, I honestly believed if I was a good girl, if I behaved, I would get everything I wanted. I believed God was like Santa Claus who rewarded the virtuous and punished the wicked. If I ate all my vegetables and treated people with kindness I would get a Barbie Dream House. What do you mean that’s not true?

This belief could also be called “entitlement,” which is particularly insidious because it taints my relationship with a higher power. Entitlement coats the relationship with resentment. It enrolls me in a game no one else is playing.

I started thinking about a world where a Santa Claus God did exist. What it would look like and who I would be. Spoiled and selfish for one. All I would do is take, take, take. Ask for more from my higher power. There would be no love, there would be only ego. My ego would overcome everything, consume everything until ultimately it destroyed the world. Would I care about the environment? About other people? Probably not. Life would be about me and my desires and how they can be satisfied. I would only be good and kind as a means to an end.

Here is what I understand now. If life operated the way I wanted it to, where I could bargain with God, I would never find the divinity resting within me. I would never understand how we’re all connected. I would never move closer to the light. How can I merge with God if I feel a separation? That’s what “merge” means. No distinction. If God constantly resided outside of me I would never become enlightened because there would always be two entities: me and God. I’m not sure I’m making any sense but I guess I’m saying in order to move closer to the light I have to become the light. I have to become divine. I have to become my higher power and I cannot do so if I think I’m anything other than light, love and divinity. So really this Santa Claus God complex is just another ego construct.

Here’s the other thing I realized. I am gifted by the universe not because I’m a good girl who gives up her seat for the elderly, but because I am loved. My higher power loves me so much I am bestowed with the things I desire. That is the true meaning of a gift. It’s an act of love. I may be bargaining with my higher power but my higher power is not bargaining with me. HP just loves me and wants to show that love by giving me a gorgeous apartment in San Francisco, a job I enjoy and a plethora of friends. My higher power wants me to have what I want just because I’m loved. So the resentment I’ve been carrying around? The good-girl complex? They’re all for naught. Entitlement and Santa Claus are both lies.

Lastly I’d like to leave you with a saying a friend of mine has. He said when he asks his higher power for something he gets three answers: “Yes,” “Yes but not now,” or, “No but I have something better for you.” Nothing ever comes to me as a means of punishment. It doesn’t matter how well I behave. That’s not why I’m getting my heart’s desires. They are coming to me because I am knowingly or unknowingly riding a current of love.

I dream of a world where we stop bargaining for what we want. A world where we realize we do not control what gifts we receive. A world where we understand gifts are tokens of love, especially when they come to us from a higher power. A world where we let ourselves be loved just as we are.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Love is a Gift

This past week I was in New Hampshire visiting friends and seeing one of my personal heroes, Elizabeth Gilbert speak about her new book. During that time I came to realize just how much I seek love and approval from others. How someone else's approval is so valuable to me, I'm willing to do almost anything to get it.

In my last blogpost I wrote about perfection not equaling love. This week I'm still decompressing that notion, but instead of striving for perfection to gain love and approval, I don't want to make any mistakes so love and approval will be revoked. A subtle difference, but a difference nonetheless.

Here's a true story. My friends' bathroom is in their bedroom, so that means at night I had to tiptoe past their sleeping bodies ninja-style in order to use the toilet. I felt absolutely terrified of waking them up, so much so I considered whether I could hold my bladder until daylight. (I couldn't and didn't. That doesn't mean my heart didn't race every time I crossed the threshold of their doorway though.) I honestly wondered if I woke them up if they would like me any less. Would my love get taken away? Would they decide I committed an offense so grand as to be unworthy of their friendship? My response to that is, "Gurl, you trippin.'" But it's there. I felt that way. And it extends not just to friends but to strangers.

Sitting on the airplane flying back to SF, I asked my seatmates to get up multiple times so I could use the restroom. Each time I asked myself, "Do you really have to go? Can you hold it?" just because I don't want to inconvenience anyone. I want you to love me so much I'm willing to go to any lengths to get it. Silly Rebekah, don't you know love is given freely, it's not something you earn because you're a good girl? I guess I don't. I'm still overcoming my childhood notions that wearing the right clothes or saying the right things will "make" people love me. And I so desperately want people to love me. So much so that I consider not going to the bathroom. Poor me, poor everyone who contorts themselves just so they can feel loved. What would the world be like if we all experienced love and approval unconditionally? Beautiful, amazing, divine.

After going to the bathroom for the third time in two hours at my friends' apartment, I started journaling, thinking about the elements I can control. Obviously I can't continue to tiptoe through life trying my hardest to never make a mistake ever because that's impossible. What I can do is affirm, "I release my need for others' validation." Oh my goodness. The freedom. To be able to show up in  life as my authentic self, carefree and confident is the most amazing feeling. I cannot guarantee my friends will love me forever -- although I'd like to think they will -- but I can release my need for their constant approval. And I can work on the two relationships that will stay with me through the end of time: the one with myself and the one with my higher power.

Is there any mistake I can ever make that will result in making me no longer love myself? No. There's not. I may not fully believe that in this moment but I want to, oh how I want to. And it's possible, it's all a matter o training. It requires I look myself in the mirror and say, "Rebekah, I love you no matter what." If I say it often enough I will believe it. Affirmations are like that.

The other relationship, the one with my higher power, thankfully already feels full of unconditional love (thank God). I already feel loved probably because nine months ago I redefined my higher power and the relationship I have. I see the love the universe has for me reflected in a thousand ways. From catching all my flights on time and arriving early in New Hampshire despite the snowpocalypse in the Northeast, to getting job opportunities out of the blue. The more I see that love, the more it comes back to me. So honestly, I don't need to run around squawking, "Do you love me? What about you?" because there are two places where it's secured forever and always: myself and my higher power.

I dream of a world where we love ourselves unconditionally. A world where we understand love is not a prize, but rather a gift. A world where we no longer seek approval in the eyes of another and instead work on giving that to ourselves. A world where we allow ourselves to make mistakes because unconditional love will never be taken away. A world where we rest easy because we feel sheltered by the Supreme.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.