Being the People We Want Others to Be

I’m upset right now. I’m upset by callousness, by selfishness, and the expression of various -isms (racism, classism, antisemitism, etc.). It hurts my heart to hear people say things like, “All homeless people should be euthanized for their own good,” or “I don’t care if other people suffer because I’m fine.” Someone on my Facebook feed even said, “I don’t like Jews. They’re not trustworthy.” As a Jewish woman, that one in particular hit home.

I’ve literally cried about all of these statements. I have so much grief that people can be this mean. My first impulse is to argue, to point out statistics and news articles that counter the person’s point of view. However, as you likely already know, that doesn’t work. That’s why there are so many memes about how arguing on the internet accomplishes nothing. If anything, once you start arguing with someone, they only become more entrenched in their point of view.

I'm seeking this too. Photo by Matt Collamer on Unsplash.

I brought all of this sorrow to my meditation, holding the question, “What can I do about all of this?” and the answer that came back was the peace prayer that is often misattributed to St. Francis. I’m sharing it in full here:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me bring love.
Where there is offense, let me bring pardon.
Where there is discord, let me bring union.
Where there is error, let me bring truth.
Where there is doubt, let me bring faith.
Where there is despair, let me bring hope.
Where there is darkness, let me bring your light.
Where there is sadness, let me bring joy.
O Master, let me not seek as much
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love,
for it is in giving that one receives,
it is in self-forgetting that one finds,
it is in pardoning that one is pardoned,
it is in dying that one is raised to eternal life.

We see that this sentiment works. It’s the story of former KKK Grand Dragon Ken Parker who left the group after repeated encounters with people who he used to consider his enemies. It’s the story of ex-KKK member Chris Buckley who befriended Dr. Heval Kelli, a cardiologist, civil rights activist, and oh yeah, a Muslim.

It’s also in line with my spiritual philosophy. My teacher said genuine love for humanity is the only way to solve problems great and small.

“This love will give people guidance; it will show them what to do and what not to do,” he said. “It is not necessary to study great numbers of books or to rely upon those who speculate with the future of the silent masses. The only essential requirement is to look upon humanity with genuine sympathy.”

That feels both easy and difficult right now. I have lots of sympathy for marginalized groups, but not so much for people who are antisemitic, for instance. However, I know that people who have been hurt themselves hurt other people. This woman who said Jews aren’t trustworthy is also coming from a place of wounding, and me railing against her will only calcify her opinion that Jews are terrible. The best thing I can do for anyone is continue to love them, to show them kindness, and remind them we aren’t so different after all.

I dream of a world where we embody the peace prayer as much as we can. A world where we sow love instead of hate. A world where we bring harmony in the time of discord. A world where we bring light into darkness. A world where we become the type of person we want others to be.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

The Key to Sanity

I spoke with a friend this week and she said she's confused by events that start off miraculously and then wind up being a dumpster fire. Is the event still a miracle in that case?

Good question. It brings to mind a story I heard about a Chinese farmer who used a stallion to till his fields. One day the stallion escaped into the hills. The farmer’s neighbors lamented his bad luck but he replied, “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?”

A week later, the stallion returned with a herd of horses from the hills. The neighbors rejoiced, congratulating the farmer on his good luck. He replied, “Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?” The farmer’s son attempted to ride one of the wild horses but he fell off and broke his leg. Everyone exclaimed, "Oh no! What bad luck!" The farmer said, “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?”

Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows! Photo by Yan Ming on Unsplash

Some weeks later, an army marched into the village and conscripted every able-bodied young man they found. When they saw the farmer’s son with his broken leg, they exempted him. Was it good luck or bad luck? Who knows!

I have to be honest -- my first reaction to the end of that story is to say it was good luck, but honestly, who knows? As the story demonstrates, life is a ceaseless up and down. There's a reason we talk about the wheel of fortune, and I don't mean the game show.

Time often grants me perspective, shows me the bigger picture. I see how the bad things led to better things and vice versa. Right now I have what could be characterized as bad luck: no job, despite my efforts. However, I have a glimpse of how the bad luck could be good luck. As I mentioned in my last post, I've slept in nearly every day for 3.5 months. I'm seeing the wisdom in the farmer's attitude, that good luck can become bad luck and bad luck can become good luck. In yoga, we call this equanimity of mind.

To paraphrase my spiritual teacher, a person who views everything with equanimity, be it their home or the burial ground, gold or grass, their own children or their enemies, fire or water, lives in the world thoroughly cleansed mentally and spiritually, seeing beyond duality.

Here's a joke for you: As I wrote the previous sentence, I heard someone vacuuming their car. I obviously have some internal cleaning to do and the universe wanted to underscore that point! It's not a state I'm in frequently, but when I have more mental equipoise I feel better, unfazed by weal and woe. In a life filled with weal and woe, mental balance seems to be the key to sanity, helping us all cope.

I dream of a world where we understand the wheel of fortune keeps turning and good becomes bad, bad becomes good. A world where we maintain our equanimity of mind during booms and busts. A world where we find serenity and we know peace.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Allowing Anger in Spirituality

I've burned with anger this week, both from occurrences in my personal world and in our society. Anger shows up to say, “This is not OK,” and there are many things I'm not OK with. I know every spiritual teacher, including mine, says it's important to cultivate non-anger, that we shouldn't allow anger to overtake us, and on one level I agree. On another, I don't.

I am a human being, not a robot, and that means every feeling under the sun I've felt, including anger. For me to not feel angry would be an act of suppression and repression. It wouldn't be real. If I pretended anger never coursed through me, I'd become a passive doormat OK with anything and everything that happened to me. Anger gives me agency. It demonstrates in a visceral way what's important to me. Anger, like all emotions, acts as a messenger.

Fiery anger is also allowed. Photo by raquel raclette on Unsplash.

I also think about how my spiritual teacher behaved, not only what he said. In practice, he became angry when someone lied, cheated, stole, or disregarded a directive. At the same time, someone else could lie, cheat, steal, or disobey, and he would smile and laugh. Spiritual teachers are complicated and obviously understand every person and situation is different and requires a different response. However, his behavior demonstrates to me he wasn't attached to anger. Anger could flare up but it could also dissipate easily. One minute he could rage against someone and as soon as they showed contrition, he would soften and shower the person with love. He wasn't attached to anger, but it still showed up. I mention all this because it's clear to me anger is a tool that everyone uses.

When I think of my spiritual teacher, I see he used anger with finesse, which is also something I'm learning. If I keep anger locked away in a drawer somewhere, when it comes time to use it, I may hurt myself or those around me because I'm clumsy and inexperienced. I wouldn't let a toddler handle a knife until they developed more dexterity, and that's what I think is happening with me right now. I'm becoming more dexterous with anger so I may wield it appropriately as the situation allows.

I also want to express I have a theory as to why spiritual teachers talk about cultivating peace instead of anger. It's easy to get stuck in a rageful place, to hold a grudge. People become angry, spiteful, and bitter all the time. By not fanning the flames of anger on a macro level, spiritual teachers are pointing us toward subtler emotions, such as love. I'm reminded though, you can be angry at someone you love. That love is big enough to hold anger as well. And expressing anger is sometimes the most loving thing a person can do.

I dream of a world where we allow the expression of anger in a healthy way, even in spiritual circles. A world where we understand anger is a tool in our toolbox and it's important for us to learn how to use it. A world where we express anger to the degree a situation calls for, and then let it go when it's time.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Remaining Unperturbed

The other day, a monk from my yoga and meditation group posted a Facebook live video about remaining unperturbed in the face of external stimuli. His comment struck me primarily because I'm not unperturbed. I'm disturbed by every little thing. When the news is bad, I feel bad. When the news is good, I feel good. My mood of late seems to be tied to what's going on in the world. This is not how I want to live.

Tying my mood to anything external is a dangerous business because things in the external world are so changeable. I think it's important to know what's going on in society, but to plunge from high to low at the drop of a hat is exhausting. My spiritual teacher advocates mental balance and equipoise and said, "We must maintain our mental balance and remain indifferent to both praise and slander, to both joy and sorrow."

I'd like to be as placid as this lake. 

I've heard this concept before, to remain unaffected by what people say because our self-esteem and self-worth comes from within, but I haven't thought about the concept much in terms of the news. Seems wise, especially as the news these days runs from bizarre to baffling. How to accomplish this though?

The short answer is to turn inward. To keep remembering what's really important, to hold tight to our innermost presence. About this process my teacher said, "The charming allurements of the external world no longer keep their minds in thrall. The dazzling splendor of form and color, their glittering attraction, no longer evokes any response in the innermost recesses of their minds. The radiance of the colorful world and the effulgence of their inner life become one."

Yes please. I'd love for the "radiance of the colorful world and the effulgence of [my] inner life" to become one. That sounds delightful. I'd like to remain unassailed by circumstances, for my mind to remain steady regardless of what's happening externally. I'm pretty sure the only way to do this is to keep aligning my will with my higher power's. To take shelter under the benevolent and loving force that pervades the universe and to keep letting go over and over again.

I dream of a world where we maintain mental balance. A world where external circumstances don't affect us so drastically. A world where we keep turning inward over and over again. A world where we take shelter under the unaffected and unssailed power that's greater than us.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Peace Where We Are

I almost don’t want to write about this because it’s so personal, but my unofficial modus operandi is to share personal things in the hopes it will be helpful to others. And I keep thinking about the quote that’s on the bottom of a friend’s e-mail: “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” So here goes! My secret!

You may have noticed I’ve been a bit, er, obsessed about romantic love. Many of you have been on the receiving end of complaints about my love life, lamenting the lack thereof. And there was many a night I ached for a partner so much I cried. When I want something I want it fiercely, and a relationship has been no different. There really was a part of me that believed my life wouldn’t feel complete without a partner. That I was missing out on some amazing and magical phenomena that everyone else got to experience. It hasn’t helped I’ve been fed a steady diet of rom coms and love stories that portrayed finding “the one” as the most important and noble goal of life. Most of the stories ended of course when the couple got together, very few showing what it’s like in the day to day. Probably because it’s not as exciting.

Because I wanted romantic love so intensely I did everything to try to get it. I said affirmations, tried online dating, read books, stopped looking because “that’s when I’d find my partner,” felt happy as I was because “that’s when my man would come along,” prayed about it, tried to forget about it, used the law of attraction, focus wheels, created romance for myself, etc. You name it, I did it. Admitting that I feel a bit ashamed, but I also know shame is judging myself for how I think others will view me, and seriously, who hasn’t experienced at least a little bit of what I just described? For 15 years I really thought there was some formula I could follow to bring a man into my life. So the really amazing thing is I’ve stopped.

That’s right. I’ve let it all go. I’m no longer pining after a man either secretly or publicly. I no longer feel a great big void in my chest. For the first time I feel at peace where I am romantically, and I don’t mean I’m pretending to feel at peace because that will bring me my match, I mean I really feel at peace. I no longer feel lack in my life. Everything I thought I needed a partner for is already happening – my housemates make dinner for me, I travel to foreign countries with friends, and I already experience love from so many different people in different ways. I’m no longer dreaming of the day when “Prince Charming” swoops in and saves me.

This may sound a little depressing, but at this point I’ve also come to accept my romantic relationship may never happen. Somehow by accepting that, by facing down one of my biggest fears of being a “spinster,” I’m ok with whatever happens. I’m ok with being single and I’m ok with being a wife. I’m really ok with all possibilities because I know all of this is completely out of my control. I thought I could shop for a man like I could shop for shoes because that’s what society has led me to believe, but it’s not true. There must be some divine mystical force behind all of it because if there wasn’t, I would have coupled up long ago.

I’m inspired because I finally feel at peace. I’m inspired because I never thought I’d be happy being single and now I finally am, really and truly. I’m inspired because I no longer pine after men hoping they’ll pick me. I’m inspired because for the first time EVER, being in a relationship doesn’t seem like the be-all, end-all I was making it out to be.

I dream of a world where we can all feel at peace where we are, not trying to feel one way or another. A world where we know we don’t lack for anything. A world where we live in the moment feeling grateful for what we have. A world where we know love is not something we find, but rather something that finds us.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Internal Peace

Years ago when someone said to me, “More than anything I just want to feel at peace,” my immediate reaction was, “Pssshaw. Peace? I don’t want to feel at peace! I want _______.” I wanted what I wanted. None of this “peace” business. Give me a great body, clear skin, a full bank account, a loving boyfriend, and a nice place to live and then maybe we can talk about peace.

What’s funny is peace is all I want these days too. I want to be even keel, not obsessing, worrying, or acting compulsively. That’s how I define peace. A sense of calmness, being unperturbed despite the hullabaloo taking place around me. Internal peace is feeling everything will be ok no matter the outcome. My friend B would call that “unconditional serenity.” Yeah. That’s what I want. Serenity without conditions.

I bring this up because when I launched my kickstarter campaign I was in a right state – obsessing over how much I had left to go, worrying I won’t make it, compulsively checking and sending my email. And now? Of course I care, of course I’m still taking action, of course I’m still encouraging folks to donate, but honestly, I’d rather feel at peace about it. And not just my kickstarter campaign, but my entire life. I’d rather just trust it will turn out the way it’s supposed to. And I don’t have to worry about the future because I’m not in the future, I’m in the present. And for today I have enough money in the bank and my kickstarter campaign is 41% funded. So you know what? We’re all good. Not only that, it’s out of my hands.

That’s the truth of it. I’m not in control of pretty much anything except my own thoughts and actions. I do not control whether people donate. I do not control whether I get more freelance work. All I control are my thoughts – which are that the universe supports and loves me – and my actions – which are I will continue to email people and continue to look for freelancing work. The end results are not up to me.

The thoughts though. Oh my goodness the thoughts. I’ve had to tell myself over and over again the universe supports and loves me. And the campaign will either be successful or it won’t. Because the truth is I don’t like stewing in the same pattern of, “Will it be successful? Should I email more people? Who should I contact? Who should I not contact? Will you give me money? How about you? What about your friends?” I’m still going to email folks but it doesn’t have to be a constant barrage of “Will we make it? Will we make it?” Dear Lord, just give me peace!

So that’s what I’m praying for. For my higher power to take this from me. To allow me to be of service. To allow me to get out of my own head. I’m praying for trust and faith in the universe. I’m praying to know that no matter what happens to recognize it’s in my best interest. I’m praying for clear guidance and for the obsession to lift. And I pray for other people as well.

I dream of a world where we all know the exquisite experience of internal peace. A world where we all ask for peace in any situation because we know we have the power to do so. A world where we trust ourselves and we trust the universe. A world where we allow the universe to flow through us and around us. A world where we live in peace.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

God's Timeline

Patience. Timing. Things unfolding according to God’s timeline. It seems this week that’s the message I’m receiving over and over again. Not in a frustrating/dramatic/hit-over-the-head kind of way, but more in terms of me noticing how things take time but eventually do happen.

I think about how two weeks ago I freaked out about my EFT workshop, wondering if it would happen because not enough people were preregistering. I was so worried and if you stalk me on facebook, you know I promoted the heck out of it. But the preregistration deadline came and went and I only had 11 people even after using the law of attraction, word of mouth, begging and pleading, etc. I called up the supremely awesome Brad Yates, the person leading the workshop, and he said he’d do it anyway because, “I get paid in other ways beside money.” (Bless him!) So in that moment I exhaled, I released, I felt confident the workshop would happen, and wouldn’t you know it, I surpassed my preregistration requirement! Instead of 20 people, 22 showed up. The incident illustrated for me yet again how important surrender is, but also how things happen when the Universe deems them so.

Also this week I found out a friend of mine is dating someone she’s had a crush on for years. They’ve had a connection for a long time and now they’re finally together. It seems everywhere I turn lately I’m reading stories like that. I’ll see announcements on facebook, watch stories on tv of long-time friends becoming lovers, and read about it in books. It’s as if God is saying, “Don’t worry baby, the things you want will happen eventually.” And that’s finally where I am. Three weeks ago it was too early for people to put money down for the workshop I organized, but as it got closer, the timing was right.

I know this post is not incredibly profound but it still feels important to write. To write about how I understand things unfold when they will. To write about how oftentimes the answer to our prayers is, “Yes, but not now.” I really see how the events of our lives accumulate and we have to build up to a point. I may be able to see the window I want to look through while I’m standing on the ground, but I haven’t built the ladder yet to reach it. But my desire to look through the window is also my motivation for building the ladder. My desire to publish a book is my motivation to do so. It doesn’t mean as soon as I have a desire it will immediately manifest but it will happen. Eventually. Just as soon as I build that final rung I’ll look through the window.

I don’t know this post makes much sense or means anything to anyone else but I guess I want to document the change in my attitude. My development of patience because I am finally at a point where I do trust in my creator and my creator’s plan for me. Where I do trust what I want will happen, given time. As Marcelo Bielsa says:

“What’s possible has been done. What’s impossible is being done. For miracles we need time.”

I dream of a world where we all feel at peace. A world where we let our worries fall by the wayside because we know we are taken care of. A world where we understand eventually our hearts’ desires will come true. A world where we let time do what it will because we understand each flower blooms when it’s ready.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Let's Hear From You!

International Day of Peace is next Monday and my Collective Dreaming meetup is on Sunday. In an effort to get our energy moving in that dreaming/visualizing space I'd like to hear from you. I'd like to hear from you about where you see another world manifesting. What instances of peace/prosperity/change are you noticing? Where in your life or in the lives of others are you noticing a surge of positivity? Where do you see how another world is probable?

Anything you want to share about a positive experience I'd love to hear about. =)

Stress

Today I’m feeling stressed about the Non-Violent Communication Workshop I’m organizing (if you’re in the Bay Area I’d love to see you there!). I took on this task on top of all the other things I’m doing and I’m obsessing because I still don’t have a venue.

On Wednesday I overheard a great quote. The woman spoke about her life in Alcoholics Anonymous and how her sponsor said to her, “Do you think you get yourself sober?” When I heard that something clicked into place for me. It reminded me that what happens in my life is not because I made it happen or figured it out. What happens in my life is by the grace of God. Everything is a gift to me. I’m not saying I now have a license to sit on my tush all day and eat cookies, but it takes the outcome of things out of my hands. I still do the footwork, I still have to call places and leave messages and ask for help but ultimately I’M NOT IN CHARGE. Ultimately I do not decide where the venue for this seminar will be. Or how many people will show up. Or what will happen to me in the next 10 minutes. There is a power far greater than myself that runs the show. Why do I even pretend otherwise?

The reason I bring this up is because this stress? This drama in my life? It’s completely self-induced. It’s completely my own mind stirring up a hornet’s nest. The truth is whatever happens, happens and there’s nothing I can do about it. The sooner I learn that, the better. But I also know I can cope with anything. And I know I have power over my mind and my actions. I know I can choose to make my life light and easy and joyful. That I can choose to not stress myself out over the small things. I am doing the best I can in this very moment and the rest is up to God. I can surrender my drama to a higher power. I can let events/situations move past me like a river flowing around rocks. I can relax and release and surrender.

I dream of a world where when we get wound up we wind ourselves back down. A world where we recognize the power of our minds to solve anything. A world where we do not get stressed out because we are fully surrendered in each and every moment. A world where we know and believe and act as if a power greater than ourselves is in charge. And instead of feeling scared by the prospect we rejoice because that means we can live footloose and fancy free. I dream of a world where life is light and easy and joyful. A world where we change our perspective on things so we can truly live joyfully at all times.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Peace

The other day on my way to work I was stopped at a red light waiting for the little green man to indicate it was safe for me to cross the street.

A cab driver had the misfortune to be jutting out on the crosswalk and infringing in the space ahead of him, perpendicular to oncoming traffic. Cars driving past honked at the man; pedestrians shook their fists and called the cabbie a jerk (or worse). While stopped at the light, witnessing the spectacle, I could feel the anger/annoyance/frustration bubbling off those around me. I felt how their anger contributed to a bad vibration. To creating a sense of unrest and an emotion quite the opposite of peace.

The now famous Heather mentioned to me many moons ago about nonviolent communication, which basically operates off the premise language has a big affect on the state of the planet. If we communicate with each other peacefully, in a nonviolent manner, compassionately, we promote peace and harmony amongst ourselves. The harmonious environment creates a ripple effect, spreading from one person to another but also changes the Earth in an energetic way. The more peace we experience in our own lives, the more peace we can bestow upon the planet.

What excites me about nonviolent communication is it places the power to create peace in my hands, in your hands, in everyone’s hands. It feels like a tangible way to promote peace everyday. Instead of banging down the door of those in power, it’s a change I can make in my life with some very real results. Here is a youtube clip from the founder of NVC, Marshall Rosenberg talking about a mediation experience between two warring tribes:



I dream of a world where we live in peace. A world where everyone everywhere feels safe at all times, day and night. A world where violence is not tolerated on a global or a local scale. A world where we treat each other with compassion and respect. A world where we communicate effectively, really listening to one another and try to meet the other person’s needs. A world where we live harmoniously with one another in peace and prosperity. A world where we feel protected at each and every moment. A world where peace reigns supreme.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.