Peace Where We Are

I almost don’t want to write about this because it’s so personal, but my unofficial modus operandi is to share personal things in the hopes it will be helpful to others. And I keep thinking about the quote that’s on the bottom of a friend’s e-mail: “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” So here goes! My secret!

You may have noticed I’ve been a bit, er, obsessed about romantic love. Many of you have been on the receiving end of complaints about my love life, lamenting the lack thereof. And there was many a night I ached for a partner so much I cried. When I want something I want it fiercely, and a relationship has been no different. There really was a part of me that believed my life wouldn’t feel complete without a partner. That I was missing out on some amazing and magical phenomena that everyone else got to experience. It hasn’t helped I’ve been fed a steady diet of rom coms and love stories that portrayed finding “the one” as the most important and noble goal of life. Most of the stories ended of course when the couple got together, very few showing what it’s like in the day to day. Probably because it’s not as exciting.

Because I wanted romantic love so intensely I did everything to try to get it. I said affirmations, tried online dating, read books, stopped looking because “that’s when I’d find my partner,” felt happy as I was because “that’s when my man would come along,” prayed about it, tried to forget about it, used the law of attraction, focus wheels, created romance for myself, etc. You name it, I did it. Admitting that I feel a bit ashamed, but I also know shame is judging myself for how I think others will view me, and seriously, who hasn’t experienced at least a little bit of what I just described? For 15 years I really thought there was some formula I could follow to bring a man into my life. So the really amazing thing is I’ve stopped.

That’s right. I’ve let it all go. I’m no longer pining after a man either secretly or publicly. I no longer feel a great big void in my chest. For the first time I feel at peace where I am romantically, and I don’t mean I’m pretending to feel at peace because that will bring me my match, I mean I really feel at peace. I no longer feel lack in my life. Everything I thought I needed a partner for is already happening – my housemates make dinner for me, I travel to foreign countries with friends, and I already experience love from so many different people in different ways. I’m no longer dreaming of the day when “Prince Charming” swoops in and saves me.

This may sound a little depressing, but at this point I’ve also come to accept my romantic relationship may never happen. Somehow by accepting that, by facing down one of my biggest fears of being a “spinster,” I’m ok with whatever happens. I’m ok with being single and I’m ok with being a wife. I’m really ok with all possibilities because I know all of this is completely out of my control. I thought I could shop for a man like I could shop for shoes because that’s what society has led me to believe, but it’s not true. There must be some divine mystical force behind all of it because if there wasn’t, I would have coupled up long ago.

I’m inspired because I finally feel at peace. I’m inspired because I never thought I’d be happy being single and now I finally am, really and truly. I’m inspired because I no longer pine after men hoping they’ll pick me. I’m inspired because for the first time EVER, being in a relationship doesn’t seem like the be-all, end-all I was making it out to be.

I dream of a world where we can all feel at peace where we are, not trying to feel one way or another. A world where we know we don’t lack for anything. A world where we live in the moment feeling grateful for what we have. A world where we know love is not something we find, but rather something that finds us.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Growing Pains

“There’s a reason they’re called growing pains,” a friend of mine says. Ain’t that the truth? I feel so uncomfortable because I’m growing beyond my comfort zone. For the first time in about five years I’m living with roommates again. A part of me wants to say, “I changed my mind! I want to live by myself again!” but another part really enjoys having social interactions and being around people.

It’s funny to be in such a state of flux – to see where I was and where I want to go but not really being in either. I see how this new situation is good for me, how it’s necessary for my growth as a person, but I am also still uncomfortable. That’s understandable considering yesterday marked two weeks of living here. I also recognize the discomfort I’m experiencing is growing pains. I’m expanding my circle of want and that takes some growth.

A few weeks ago I wrote about how the universe provides and mentioned I wanted to live somewhere that had a garden. I also spoke about how I wanted someone else to cook for me. I wanted someone else to share the household chores. All the things I mentioned I wanted months, or even a year ago, have manifested and now my mind is playing catch up. I’m reflecting back and asking, “Do I really want this? Am I really enjoying it?” Everything is so new and scary because I am no longer in a position where I can control everything, where I can make it look exactly the way I wanted. I can’t hide away from everyone else and dictate how I want my social interactions to go. I can’t have everything on my terms. I have to navigate around other people’s stuff and deal with the dynamics that come with living with others. I have to assert my needs and be cognizant of someone else’s. I have to do a lot of things that are outside my comfort zone and I don’t particularly like it.

Here is the beautiful thing. Even though I’m experiencing growing pains, I’m sticking with it. I want to grow, I want to learn how to live with someone else because I’m serious about having a romantic partner. I also realize what I want, what makes me happy, changes. It wasn’t so long ago that I was happiest when I was left by myself to watch TV and veg out. These days I find I’m happiest when I’m connecting with other people, when I get to experience deep friendship. When I’m truly seen for who I am and still accepted. So even though I’m feeling uncomfortable, I know this too shall pass. That eventually I’ll grow into my new situation. Because I always do. And more than that, I want to.

I dream of a world where we allow ourselves to be uncomfortable. A world where we move beyond the familiar. A world where we keep growing and changing even when it’s painful. A world where we are patient with ourselves as we go through the process. A world where we know growing pains are a part of life and we allow ourselves to move through them.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Help for the Little Guy

I am too tired to write a blogpost tonight, so instead I’m going to link to a story about a community’s outpouring of support for a family-owned business instead of a corporate chain. Because sometimes the little guy really can win:

In the era of big boxes, a day for the little guy.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

The Universe Always Provides

I can say unequivocally this has been the most stressful week of my life. I’m including in that list the week I got laid off, the week sprained my ankle, the week I moved across the country, the week I graduated from college, etc. On top of the general stress of packing/moving, I also had to contend with painting AND getting my book Just a Girl from Kansas to the printer. So in this week of crazy, I had several very sweet moments of being shown how my needs will be met and the universe will provide for me.

On a small scale, on Wednesday my lips were extremely chapped and I’d left my chapstick at home. I kept thinking I would love to rub some olive oil on them and I hoped my new home would have some. As I walked into the kitchen, there sat a huge jar of olive oil, which hadn’t been there the previous day. I also realized I needed boxes for the move, which I found in our garage. It was interesting to me I found these two items at the house I was moving into – like it was an indicator of things to come. This is tangential but related, I just traipsed down to the garden and snipped some lettuce leaves and started chuckling to myself because about a year ago I had the conversation with a friend that I would like to live somewhere with a garden but not have to tend to it myself. Tada!

On a larger scale, I really had no idea how I would pack and move everything by 1:30 p.m. yesterday. What with the painting, the time I had allotted for packing got eaten up. My deadline was self-imposed, but with good reason. This is the last weekend in January and I didn’t want to have to pay for rent in February. Plus, if I needed extra time beyond Saturday I wanted to give myself that buffer. I almost started hyperventilating on Thursday, wondering how I would get it all done. The universe provides, because my (former) downstairs neighbor came up to help me. She packed while I ate dinner. Then on Friday a friend called and he said he could help me pack Saturday morning. And the help kept coming. Friend after friend came by to help me pack and move. One left to do other things and then came back.

I already wrote them all a gushy e-mail, but in essence I am overcome with gratitude and appreciation. I am in awe and in love with how the universe is providing for me. And not only that, but I’m allowing myself to receive it. It wasn’t too long ago that I would have stayed up all night packing by myself because I didn’t want any help. Or because I was too scared to ask. To allow that to come in is huge.

This post is a little all over the place, but in essence, I’m seeing how the universe provides for me. How the universe takes care of me. How it ensures all of my needs will be met. I’m seeing that what I need will always be there if I give it long enough. And that my friends, is a sweet place to be in.

I dream of a world where we know the universe will provide us with what we need. A world where we allow ourselves to receive our hearts wishes. A world where we reach out and ask for help, knowing it will come. A world where bask in the knowledge all of our needs will always be met.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

We Ultimately Get What We Want

This post is a continuation of one I wrote a few weeks ago called “It won’t look the way we think,” because I’m finding what I think I want and what I actually want can sometimes be two different things. This happens to me at times when my life is about to undergo a major shift, when I’m shedding old skin and growing into someone new. The first time my egoic desires didn’t line up with my heart’s desires was when I had to decide whether to move to San Francisco or not. After college I really thought I’d be happy living in the suburbs of D.C. for the rest of my life with a husband and two cats, writing for a magazine. The universe had other things in mind and threw me an enormous curveball by telling me, “No. You don’t want to live in D.C. forever – you need to move to San Francisco.” The journey that took me from D.C. to California is detailed extensively in my book, Just a Girl from Kansas, which will be available to friends and family (and followers of this blog) in the next few weeks. And now I find myself at another crossroads.

Many of you already know this – especially because I blogged about it in November – but I have had a HELL of a time sleeping in my apartment. It’s been one damn thing after another since August. In my mind, I was going to live in this apartment until I got married but the universe has other plans because it’s again telling me, “No, you need to move now.” I know this because it has literally been one thing after another to keep me from enjoying my space, not to mention I’m scared to go to sleep every night because I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep through it. My friend said to me, “That’s no way to live.” And he’s right, it’s not. The interesting thing is prior to all of this no-sleeping business I literally cried multiple times because I wished someone would make dinner for me while I packed to leave for a trip. I thought it was going to be in the form of a boyfriend, but it turns out I’m moving into a house where they like to make dinner for everyone in it.

This moving situation is again an instance where my head desires and heart desires are misaligned because the house is everything I’ve asked for. It’s big, has an alcove separate from my bedroom that can be my work space, it’s sunny, with a dishwasher, washer and dryer, close to public transportation, quiet, and filled with people who are ready and willing to share cooking and cleaning. Sounds like what I ultimately wanted, yes?

I’ve been grieving about leaving my old place because I really have loved living here. While listening to Doreen Virtue’s blog radio show I finally felt some peace. The caller (also named Rebecca) said her life feels like it’s unraveling. Doreen’s response to her was, “Let your life unravel – that’s not what you want anymore anyway.” Her words struck me because that’s also true for me. Because I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to live here anymore. I don’t want to constantly have to assert myself. I don’t want to have to deal with random noises and neighbors and parking lots attendants whistling to get someone’s attention. I’m trading that all in for a place where I hear birds whistling, not people. Where there’s no one stomping around above me. Where I don’t have to worry about passing crack addicts and homeless people. So maybe my higher power knows what I want and need better than I do.

I dream of a world where we allow ourselves to move with the universal energy that’s guiding us. A world where we stretch our goals and dreams and allow them to change as we change. A world where we pay attention to the reality before us and do something about it. A world where we know sometimes our heart and our head won’t match up but that’s ok, because in the end we’ll get what we ultimately wanted anyway.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Love Endures

Last night I went to a party a friend of mine from high school was throwing. I hadn't seen him in YEARS, as in, possibly six or more, and yet when we saw each other it was like no time had passed. I love those friendships because they illustrate to me the basic truth that love never dies. You can lose contact with someone for years and when you see them again all the old feelings rush back. And that's the case for romantic relationships as well. That's probably why so many people get back together with their old flames. I get the warm fuzzies knowing love is one of those things that lasts.

Right about now is probably when you're saying, "Love doesn't always last." I think it does, actually. It may just get transmuted into other feelings like anger, resentment, or distaste. But if love wasn't there, the feelings wouldn't be either. In my opinion the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy. There's a reason why we say there's a thin line between love and hate. If a person is generally the same one we met, there's a good chance we'll continue to love them, possibly for eternity. The way my life is going right now it's nice to hold onto some permanence. I'm not saying I'll forever be in love with a person, but I do think I'll forever love them, make sense?

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this except that it really does inspire me. To not see someone for years, to not have any contact with them, and then when they reenter your orbit to still love and care about them as if they've been around all along. Because on some level they have. We're all connected, we're all one, so maybe when someone comes into your life they're always a part of it. And perhaps they're a part of your life even before you met, you just didn't know it. I enjoy knowing that love can endure. That even if there were personal issues that kept you apart you can still love someone. That to me is a beautiful thing. It's an amazing expression of who we are as human beings. It's an amazing expression of how time doesn't mean much after all. Of how we're not as separate as we're led to believe.

I'm rambling a bit but I'm grateful and I'm inspired because love endures! It lasts. It's sweet and precious and doesn't go away because you've lost contact or had a fight or moved. It never left.

I dream of a world where we revel in the notion love endures. That we can lose contact with someone and still love them. A world where we understand in many ways time is meaningless. A world where we allow ourselves to give and receive love because we understand that it will last.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

It Won’t Look the Way We Think

I have preconceived notions of what my life will look like and how I will get my needs met. What I’m finding out though is the universe is so much bigger and broader and takes care of me in ways I didn’t think it would. For instance, this week I’ve been sick. As in so sick I didn’t leave the house for three days and mainlined tea like it was my job. I had this idea the only people who would take care of me when I’m sick are my mom and my boyfriend. Well, my mom lives in Seattle and my boyfriend is nonexistent, so I resigned myself to being really pathetic on the couch. Instead, however, my good friend come over and made me dinner and tea. How sweet is that?

What I found really touching is my needs are getting met, just not how I thought they would. It reminds me of one of my favorite movies Under the Tuscan Sun. At the beginning of the movie Diane Lane’s character says she wants a family in her house, and a wedding, and someone to cook for. In the end, it’s pointed out to her there is a family in her house, and she did host a wedding, and there were plenty of people to cook for – just not a significant other. The family was her best friend and her best friend’s baby, the wedding was for a neighbor, and the people to cook for were the contractors on her house. But it still all happened. All her needs and desires were fulfilled. That’s what’s going on with me these days. I don’t have a significant other but that doesn’t mean my life is limited because of it. I have friends making me dinner, a community to support me, and a family to lean on. I’m getting what I want, just not the way I thought I would.

I guess this post is about how my view is limited, how I can get tunnel vision, but how the universe gets to see everything. How my higher power says, “I will give you everything you want and more, but it’s going to come out of left field.” Because I didn’t expect these things. I didn’t expect anyone would voluntarily make me dinner while being sick because that seems like a contractual obligation or something that goes along with being my boyfriend. How lovely though that there are people in my life who are willing to do that. I am one lucky girl.

This post is also an effort for me to commit to letting the universe work its magic and not get caught up in the “how.” Doreen Virtue had a great quote where she said we want to hand life a script and quibble about what’s on page 42. I don’t want to quibble about page 42 anymore. I would rather say, “Hey God, here’s what I want, here are my needs and desires, I know they’ll be fulfilled, and I look forward to seeing how you make it happen.” Because in the end it most likely won’t look how I think it will.

I dream of a world where we’re open to all possibilities. A world where we understand our needs and desires get met in interesting and unique ways. A world where we don’t hand the universe a script because we realize it’s more like improv – there are certain parameters but for the most part stuff gets made up on the fly. I dream of a world we rest easy knowing we’ll get exactly what we need. and most of what we want as long as we’re open to whatever form that will take.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.