Thursday, November 25, 2010


Right now my mom and my sister are in the kitchen preparing our Thanksgiving feast while I’m lying flat on my back in the bedroom keeping my foot propped up. You see my gimp status means I cannot help because I still can’t stand for long periods of time. The best I can do is sit in a chair at the table and cut things up. For someone who is used to helping out this is very humbling. You know what else is humbling? Having to ask for a wheelchair at the airport because the thought of walking from the ticket counter to my gate sounds overwhelming. The most humbling experience (thus far) though is when I called up a friend of mine in tears because I didn’t have enough food to eat and couldn’t go grocery shopping.

I am little Ms. Independent, do everything herself. Having to ask for help because I am literally incapacitated is knocking down my pride in a big way. I want to still be able to do all the things I normally do but I can’t. I have to accept I have certain limitations. I’m also seeing how I’m not meant to do everything myself. Even self-sufficient farmers from yesteryear had to trade for certain dry goods. No person can have everything and do everything themselves. That’s why trade was invented in the first place. That’s also why humans are social creatures. We are meant to live in communities. No person is an island and pretending otherwise only causes harm.

This sprain is teaching me about balance. About how I can neither be completely dependent nor completely independent. My sprain is teaching me about doing what I can do but then asking for help when I need it.

While I’m learning humility in reference to my physical world, I’m also learning about humility on a grander scale. I used to walk around in my everyday life thinking I knew what was up and that I could be in control of everything. I used to think I was completely autonomous and God/my higher power/brahma was this force outside of me that had much bigger problems to deal with than my love life or financial situation or body. God had to handle war and homelessness and global warming. But now I know God works through me as an instrument. That we’ll never experience deux ex machina. No great omnipotent being is going to swoop in and save us. We save ourselves. And how do we do that? By getting our pride out of the way.

I can only speak for myself but I know when I’m proud I’m closed off and think I know what’s best and that I’m fully capable of doing everything. But you know? I’m not. Nor am I meant to. I was put on this Earth with certain gifts bestowed to me by my higher power. Gifts I am meant to use. Other people also have gifts they are meant to use. When I’m proud I deny people the ability to use their gifts and in essence I thumb my nose at God and forsake the gifts He has given them.

In another way I’m depriving people of their ability to serve the Divine. As my beautiful and lovely friend said to me, “I like to treat people as if they were God in human form.” And she’s right. Because I am. Divinity resides within me as well as outside me. When my friends bring me groceries they are showing their love for God and for me. Pride is my way of blocking that love. Why would I want to do that?

I dream of a world where we can all put aside our pride. A world where we realize we all have certain gifts we are meant to share and no one is expected to be completely self-contained and self-sufficient. A world where we allow ourselves to give and receive love. A world where we ask for help when we need it. A world where we all learn the value of humility.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Everything Is For Our Own Good

In Sanskrit there is a saying, “Hitaesan├ípresito’pavargah,” which translates as, “The requital of action is guided by the divine wish of welfare.” More simply it means everything that happens to us, whether we perceive it to be good or bad is ultimately for our own well-being. And also everything that happens to us is ultimately to bring us closer and closer to the divine. I believe it.

Right now there is a war going on within me. I found out on Tuesday my job has been terminated effective Dec. 30th. The magazine I work for is turning out its lights. My ego is freaking out. I have all these insecurities and worries and fears popping up. “How am I going to pay for my rent?!? I love where I live! How am I going to make money? What’s going to happen?!? Waaahhhhhhhhh.” Just like that.

The other part of me feels so at ease, so at peace because I know, I KNOW this is a part of a broader plan. Even when I started working for the magazine I told my parents, “I think I’m only going to be there for two years.” And when I found out eventually the entire company would be moving to new headquarters with an open office plan I said to my parents, “I don’t think I’m going to be there when they move into the new office.” In September I had worked for the magazine for two years. In January the company is moving. Clearly this is all happening for a reason. Clearly this is ultimately for my good.

Why do I say that? Because I’ve been wanting to devote more time to my beloved company Tri-Sight Entertainment (fan us on facebook!) and I haven’t been able to because I work full time. Come Jan. 1st I won’t anymore. So this? This is it. This is my transition. This is my opportunity to pour my heart and soul into a project I really care about. And it’s also my opportunity to move closer to the Supreme because all this? Is completely out of my hands. I don’t dictate when Tri-Sight will make enough money to pay my rent. I don’t dictate how or when I’ll get another writing job to pay my bills. I just don’t. My ego really wishes I did but I don’t. And like I said above there is a battle within me.

At this moment I have a choice. I can continue to freak out and worry about what comes next, I can sit and stew and scheme and listen to my ego. Or I can move closer to God and feel at ease and at peace knowing all is well, knowing I’m taken care of even if I don’t know what form it will take. Knowing I will be provided for and knowing my higher power has great things in store for me. In doing so I rely on a power greater than myself and I put my trust and faith in that power. In essence, I turn to God.

I can’t say I’ll feel at peace 10 minutes from now or that my ego won’t get the best of me but I can say I don’t want it to. I can say I’d rather stick with knowing I am safe, secure and protected. I’d rather stick with feeling at peace, feeling calm, feeling like my higher power really is taking care of me. I can say that’s how I’d rather feel. I can also tell you that’s what I dream for others.

I dream of a world where we turn over our fears feeling calm and relaxed. A world where we realize everything that happens to us is for our own good. A world where we know we are always taken care of, even if we don’t know how or the source. A world where we feel free to be ourselves because we recognize a higher power has it covered. A world where we listen to the calm, sweet voice in our head and say to the ego, “I acknowledge you’re freaking out. That’s ok. I love you just the same.”

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Giving In

Today I’ve been thinking about giving in, not giving up, but giving in. My ankle? Still sprained. I’m still housebound, still unable to do simple things like grocery shopping, or clean my apartment or put my laundry away. The rabble-rouser in me is defiant and likes to pretend I can do those things anyway. Just strap on the ace bandage and hobble around with the cane and it will be fine. But it’s not. I try but am unable to finish because I can’t stand for that long. And I’ve quite possibly made my sprain worse by doing so.

So instead I’m giving in. I’m giving into the situation, to the fact I cannot do all the things I normally do. I’m giving into the Universe and calling up my friends to bring me groceries and they graciously comply. (Bless them.) I’m giving into the fact my apartment is going to be a mess for a while.

What I’m experiencing right now can also be applied more broadly in my life. I am quite often defiant and refuse to accept things as they are. This sprain is teaching me Divine Will Be Done. Seriously. The Universe will orchestrate a sprain to ensure I get the rest I otherwise wouldn’t give to myself. If something is supposed to happen, or needs to happen, it will happen, and me pretending otherwise only leaves me frustrated.

I guess I’m saying it’s easier to just give in. To give in to what is. To accept where I am and what’s going on.

In the New Age realm there’s a lot of talk about resistance, which is the opposite of giving in. Wayne Dyer mentions it. Abraham Hicks mentions it. Others I’m unaware of probably mention it too. I don’t necessarily think resistance is a bad thing because it just is what is, but I will say I am firmly in the belief if it has to the Universe will lay you flat on your back either literally or figuratively and to just go with it. Because eventually the force that creates worlds will be so strong your choices will be to either go with it or get dragged kicking and screaming.

I’m choosing to go with it.

The alternate title of this post could be “acceptance” because really that’s what I’m talking about. Accepting what is. Accepting my ankle hurts and I can’t go grocery shopping and my apartment is a wreck. Accepting my bed has become grand central station and I have to lie down all the time. That’s the way it is right now. I’d rather feel at peace about it than defiant and crazy. I’d rather feel serene than angry and frustrated. That to me is what acceptance is. Recognizing things are what they are and what they are is alright. When I accept, I invariably feel at peace because I’m no longer trying to change the situation. I’m just allowing it to be what it is.

I dream of a world where we feel acceptance for what lies before us. Where we let things be what they are because only then will we know peace. I dream of a world where we give in to what the Universe is conveying to us. Where we accept things as they are and take them one day at a time.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Making Peace With The Past

I sprained my ankle pretty badly last week. (It’s kind of a tragic story involving falling down the stairs, taxi cabs who wouldn’t stop for me, and walking a mile on an injury.) So I’m sitting at home and I’m feeling bored and restless and cranky. The most exciting part of my day is when I take the elevator one floor to my mailbox. It reminds me of another period of my life when I went through a similar thing.

In 2007 I was living with my parents in North Carolina and the highlights of my week were going to Blockbuster, the library, and the chiropractor. Those rituals were the only times I left the house, other than to do errands for my mom.

Here’s a little excerpt from my journal almost exactly three years ago:
I’m stressed but not stressed and I just feel like crying. I feel like I can’t do anything. And I wake up each day just wanting the day to be over because when it’s over I can relax and lose myself in television.
I was so restless and sad and lonely. And being housebound today is bringing up all those old feelings for me again. Even though this time is different – I have many friends, a great community, people stopping by to see me, my own place – the feelings are coming up so they can be healed.

Tears are pricking my eyes as I write this because I really had a horrible time when I lived at home – not because I fought with my parents, but because it just wasn’t where I belonged. I was a fish out of water – all my friends had moved away and I wasn’t plugged into a community. I’ve wanted to forget those feelings, and say, “Whatever, that’s not how my life is now, so it doesn’t matter.” But it does matter. I may be able to brush all that aside most days of the year, but you bet your bottom dollar an event (like a sprained ankle) will trigger me and it will all come flowing to the surface. It’s practically a guarantee. I think we’re confronted with things like this just so we can look at our past and release it. So we are given the opportunity to make peace with our past selves.

I didn’t have any local friends then and that’s ok. The most exciting part of my day was watching television at night and that’s ok. Everything that happened is ok. What happened is what happened and what happened is alright. I don’t have to regret the past or shut the door on it. I don’t have to justify it either. It just was what it was.

At this point I could launch the trite diatribe about how the past shapes the future and I couldn’t be the person I am today without experiencing the past and it would all be true. (That’s why it’s trite!) But I won’t. Because really, the most important thing is that I feel peace with what happened. It wasn’t good or bad even though my ego will tell you otherwise. It just was.

And so I’m coming to a place where I can accept not just my present, but my past. Where I can recognize it for what it was – a period of rest and recuperation. A time when I could wake up late and watch TV and read books without feeling guilty about other things I “should” be doing. It was exactly what I needed even if it wasn’t what I wanted. Today I have the hindsight to see that.

I dream of a world where we all make peace with where we are and where we’ve been. A world where we can accept the past in the light of day without wishing to shut the door on it. A world where we know in the infinity of life where we are, all is perfect, whole, and complete. That no matter what point in time we’re residing, it’s all ok.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.