Out of Character

This weekend I surprised myself. I did things I'd consider out of character -- things other people do, but not me. I flew up to Ashland, Ore., for a quick up and back trip and started chatting with the woman next to me on my flight. During the course of the conversation I told her I didn't have a car and wasn't sure how I was getting to and fro. She said, "Well, let me give you my number and if you need a ride while you're out there, give me a call." I said, "Actually, what I really need is a ride from the airport to my hostel."

She told me her parents were picking her up but she was sure they wouldn't mind dropping me off. "Really?" and she replied in the affirmative. So I got into the car with a stranger that I didn't pay to transport me. In my world you don't do that sort of thing because it's dangerous. Even getting into a lyft or a taxi provokes anxiety within me so trusting a total stranger is antithetical to my normal behavior. My whole weekend was like that. I made conversations with strangers. I stayed in a hostel and socialized in the evenings. Even staying in a hostel is unusual for me.

I looked for "character" and this is what I found. I like it. Photo by Антон Воробьев on Unsplash

Normally I stay in hotels or airbnbs because I enjoy my personal space. I'm highly particular and want to control as many variables as I can. However, due to financial limitations, and also the desire to stay close to town, I slept at a hostel. I've heard stories of people making friends with strangers or the magic of connection during travel experiences, but my magical experiences tend to involve thinking I missed my train but the train was running late. I barely ask strangers for directions much less make conversation with them.

It may seem like a small thing, but for me it's indicative I'm trusting myself and the universe more. I'm starting to view the world as safe and friendly as opposed to scary and antagonistic. It's for many reasons -- the chiropractor I'm seeing, the work I continue to do in therapy -- but what stands out to me is the way we experience the world and ourselves can change. How the world appears to us is not stagnant or stale. It's dynamic and vibrant and we are the same. The title of this post is "out of character" but it's just as true there are many facets to my personality and perhaps this Rebekah is someone I hadn't met yet, but she's been here all along.

My spiritual teacher speaks to this through his words and actions. His first initiate was a dangerous criminal who tried to rob him. That criminal completely turned his life around and became ethical, sincere, and devotional. No one would have predicted that person existed inside that criminal, but he did. And the same is true for all of us. There are internal people we know and internal people we don't know, but it's all us. And maybe "out of character" is like the people I met this weekend -- strangers that become friends.

I dream of a world where we recognize there is more to us than we think. A world where we understand acting out of character just means a part of us is unfamiliar and unknown. A world where we realize we all have many parts and facets to our personality and perhaps it's time to say hello.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Churning Leads to Change

The word to describe how I feel right now is "churned." I feel a swirl of emotions both due to my personal life and what's taking place in society. I'm angry and sad and scared. I have compassion fatigue. I feel overwhelmed. I want to retreat to a hidey-hole. I want to punch certain people in the face. Did I mention I'm feeling churned right now?

I think a lot of people are feeling churned. The purpose of this post is to say first and foremost, you're not alone. Second of all, I'm thinking about the reason behind churning. One of the definitions of churning relates to butter, as in milk or cream is stirred in order to separate the oily globules from the other to make butter. The churn creates something new.

Maybe this churn, this agitation, will create something new personally as well as in the world. I think about another time in my life when I felt churned. One such period was at 15; I went to Camp Anytown, which is a camp sponsored by the National Conference for Community and Justice that works to break down prejudice and promote diversity. Before attending the camp, I didn't think of myself as a racist or prejudiced person. I was nice to everybody. How could I be racist and prejudiced? Well, I was and am. As many people have said, racism is embedded in our environment. It's the air we breathe; it's baked into the systems we operate. Our country was literally built on the back of racism. Of course that trickles out to other -isms too. They usually go hand in hand.

Really wish I could find a picture of churning butter, but a food processor pic will have to do! Photo by Irene Kredenets on Unsplash

The only way to root out those -isms is to confront them. To bring them in our face. To get churned up so they transform into something else. That's precisely what happened at Camp Anytown. We shared our snap judgments of different races. We talked about media portrayals. We held panel discussions about our own experiences. And we changed.

I wonder if that's happening for us right now. If we as a society are transforming into something new and this is part of the process. We're in the painful part where the oily globules are separated from the other. We're in the unsettled part where things are strange and disorienting because we can never go back to how it was before. The U.S. will literally never be the same after Trump's presidency, for better or for worse. People may try to go back to the status quo, but it will be impossible after so much has been revealed.

That's the role of struggle, according to my spiritual teacher. He said, "Just as all-round physical exercise makes the body fit, similarly appropriate psychic and spiritual exercise … leads to one’s psychic evolution and spiritual elevation. If one is keen to advance, if one wants to attain expansion as well as bliss in life, one must continue to struggle."

I'm there. I'm struggling. We all are. And maybe it's a sign of our evolution and elevation. How we're all going to be better for it.

I dream of a world where we recognize struggle can lead to something better. Where churning means we're in the middle of growing into something new. A world where we have patience with the process of transformation. A world where we understand churning leads to change.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Womb Time

A note about the audio this week: I ran out of space on Soundcloud and haven't transferred over to a new location yet. The audio has been recorded but not posted on the new platform. Stay tuned.

This week as I thought about my job search, the image and metaphor that came to mind is being in the womb. A fetus needs time to develop, to grow, to gather strength for the outside world. And if the fetus enters the outside world before that process has completed, well, we all know what happens.

What's funny about me is I came into the world impatient. I was born three weeks premature -- so early I didn't have fingerprints. Normally that's a little anecdote I drop when I'm talking to pregnant people, conversing about their baby's due date. This week though, it sunk in how much my entire life I tend to replicate my birth story. I want to rush the process, I want to do things NOW. Don't make me wait in the dark, the unknown. Let's get this show on the road!

Sometimes we need to be "in the womb." Photo by Alicia Petresc on Unsplash

As I've continued to feel gratitude for unemployment, noticing what I'm capable of engaging with due to not working a regular job, I've felt safer, calmer. I've felt myself floating in the universal womb. I've said to friends and family, "Maybe it's not a matter of the right job so much as the right time." What I mean is the job is less important than the timing of it all. Maybe the universe wants me to sleep in a little longer, or focus on my health more, or finish up my book before I start working again.

Instead of feeling panicked, which yes, still happens sometimes, I'm imagining myself in the womb, understanding during this period I'm developing, growing, gathering strength for my next adventure.

My spiritual teacher says that “whatever happens in this universe of ours is nothing but an expression of Cosmic desire or Cosmic will … when a human desire and His desire coincide, then only does the human desire become fruitful, otherwise it is a sure failure.”

When I started asking myself, "What does my higher power want of me right now? Why is it that I'm still unemployed from a Cosmic perspective?" I felt better. I left the shame-based, "There's something wrong with me or my résumé" place. I stopped beating myself up and instead realized maybe my higher power doesn't want me to be employed yet. And this week especially, maybe my higher power doesn't want me to be employed yet because I'm like a fetus in the womb, not ready to be in the world. But that doesn't mean it's not coming, because it will. Eventually all babies leave the womb, and that means me too.

I dream of a world where we understand if something isn't happening, perhaps it's not time for it to happen. A world where we realize even though we're out in the world doesn't mean we don't continue to have periods of going back to a metaphorical womb. A world where we understand the grace and importance of womb time.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Space for Something New

Every holiday I think about the one from the year prior. What was I doing? Who was I with? This July 4th was no different. In addition to reminiscing about last year, I also took stock of my life. I was reminded how much I've changed, how much my life has changed, and how some of my relationships have changed. There are certain people who are no longer in my life; not because they died (although there are a few of those), but rather because we grew apart. We have become alien to each other and don't own starships to bring us together.

I cried over the loss of those relationships and all the while a little voice in my head whispered about making space for something new. I have a tendency to cling on to things far past the point of being healthy. Alexander Graham Bell has me pegged with his quote, "When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

It's important to leave space for something new. Photo by Dylan de Jonge on Unsplash

This week I'm looking at the open door. In terms of relationships, that means I'm noticing the new ones in my life from the past year. Or the old ones that are new again; in other words, relationships where I reconnected with someone from my past. By clearing out the old relationships, by letting them go, I'm making space for the new ones. I have the capacity to nourish what's here because I'm not caught up in knocking on a closed door.

We have that saying nature abhors a vacuum. I abhor vacuums too, but not the ones that clean the carpet. Those I love. I abhor the life vacuums but there's wisdom in acknowledging their importance. Of seeing the beauty in empty space because empty space doesn't last. Soon it will be filled with something. Maybe saying goodbye to old relationships opens me up to better ones. It doesn't mean the love died because for me anyway it hasn't. It just means I'm no longer investing time and energy in cultivating the relationships that no longer serve me.

I'd love to throw in a spiritual quote here or make this post more profound but it's not. The practice is a simple one that we all must learn. In order to make space for something new, we have to get rid of the old, whether that's an object or a belief.

I dream of a world where we understand it's important to grieve the loss of closed doors but also turn our attention to doors that are open. A world where we clear away what no longer serves us. A world where we realize nature abhors a vacuum and thus ultimately we are making space for something new.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.