Love Is My Motivator

This post is an extension of last week’s topic on shame. Last week I realized shame is not seeing myself the way Source sees me. Not viewing myself through the eyes of unconditional love. I also realized guilt is judging myself for doing or not doing something I think I “should.” I started thinking about why guilt and shame come up for me in the first place because if they didn’t serve a purpose, they wouldn’t keep appearing. Then it hit me: I’ve been thinking guilt and shame are my motivators. If I feel badly enough about something then I’ll stop (or start) whatever it is. If I feel badly enough about eating 10 cookies then I’ll stop. If I feel badly enough about my mom making dinner every night I'll start cooking instead.

So not true.

It’s not true. Feeling bad doesn’t do anything but make me feel bad. I am never motivated to do (or not do) something based on guilt or shame. I change my behavior because I decided to change. The end. It has nothing to do with how badly I feel. It has nothing to do with guilt trips and shameful feelings. I only thought it did. I thought I needed to feel guilty or ashamed in order to change. 

Last week I realized I kept doing the things I was ashamed of, or felt guilty about, until I said, “Hey you know, I don’t like this so I want to stop.” And then I did. Guilt and shame had nothing to do with it. They acted as cloud cover, because ultimately I stopped when I decided I wanted to do things differently.  

This is me saying I don’t need guilt and shame to act as my motivators. I don’t need guilt and shame to tell me when or how to do something. I don’t need guilt and shame to dictate my behavior. You know why? Because I have a better motivator.

My new motivation is love. I do things now because I feel inspired to do so. I change my behavior because I want to feel good. I help other people because I love them, not because I feel guilty if I don’t. I take care of myself and my body because I love it and therefore want to treat it with love. I let go of negative thoughts and behaviors because I want to feel happy and at peace. I change my behavior because I’d rather feel love. Love is my motivation.

I dream of a world where people let go of their feelings of guilt and shame. A world where people do things because they are inspired to do so. A world where people are motivated by love and feeling good. A world where people realize the point of change always starts in their own minds. A world where people use love as their primary motivator.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

The Blame Game

“It’s all my fault. I’m to blame. Why didn’t I do it differently? Why didn’t I know better?” I loooove to play the blame game. I love to have that dialogue in my head (more like diatribe). On Tuesday I went to the physical therapist and looked at myself in the mirror. As I did so I felt like I was to blame for everything wrong with my body. I’m the reason my knees are knobby. I’m the reason my hips hurt. I’m the reason my hair is scraggly. And to top it off, I received outside reinforcement. My physical therapist said to me if I hadn’t sat in the “w” position when I was a child (with my feet behind me and my knees in front of me) my knees would be “normal.” Or my hips wouldn’t hurt if I strengthened my pelvic core.

I’m not blaming her because Lord knows I do that enough to myself. What I’m doing though is asking myself how I benefit. How do I benefit from taking the blame for everything? What do I get from finding fault? The answer is nothing (surprise, surprise). The feeling of blame doesn’t help me change anything. It doesn’t help me solve my problem.

The blame game, especially when I play by myself, keeps me stuck in the problem. I’d rather live in the solution. And sometimes there is no solution. That’s where serenity comes in. Accepting the things I cannot change and changing the things I can. I can’t change the past. I can’t change how my knees grew in. So maybe I can stop blaming myself for how they stick out and instead start accepting and appreciating them for getting me where I want to go. I can choose to love and accept myself as I am or continue to play the blame game. Take me out coach, I’m done.

I used to think blame was a great motivator. “If I chastise myself enough I’ll do something!” Um, no. If I chastise myself enough I’ll feel bad, that’s it. My parents loved to say to me as a child, “You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.” I don’t know if that’s technically true because I catch an awful lot of flies with apple cider vinegar, but I think the concept is sound. Love is a much better motivator than fear. I would do absolutely anything for the people I love. Not so much for the people I fear.

I guess what I’m saying in a roundabout way is blame doesn’t serve me. Blame gives me pain rather than serenity. And serenity is what I’m shooting for these days. I can’t fix my joints but I can strengthen my pelvic core and get a haircut. And I can also look myself in the mirror and accept what I see because it’s much easier to change your mind than it is to change your body. Cheaper too.

I dream of a world where we cut blame out of the equation. A world where we understand blame is useless because it doesn’t help us to solve anything. A world where we each experience serenity, accepting the things we cannot change and having the courage to change the things we can. A world where we live in the solution, asking what we can do about the situation. A world where we know practice love and compassion not only for each other but for ourselves.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

The Zest Of Life

Oh perfectionism. I know thee well. You are the character trait that says, “I don’t want to make any mistakes at all. Ever. I want to do things right the first time, all the time.” You are the character trait I displayed the most while in school because you were frequently rewarded. Every time I did something “perfectly” I got an A, which got me attention, love, respect, validation. I got pats on the head and encouragement every time I trotted you out. I’ve attributed the successes of my life to you, thinking you were the reason, you were my motivator. And even though I graduated years ago I’ve carried you with me ever since.

For instance, last night I had a business coaching session with a friend of mine. (Have I mentioned another friend and I are starting a business?) And because I had no idea what I was doing, I felt really uptight about the whole thing. Because I don’t want to make any mistakes at all. Ever.

Even though I’ve written about mistakes, and perfectionism, and becoming a master, I have not cleaned up my past regarding perfectionism. So every time something comes up that resembles my past, perfectionism turns up like an eager puppy ready and willing to perform its tricks.

In thinking about all this, I’ve realized I’ve been portraying mistakes as something negative to be avoided at all costs. Yes, yes, there are no such things as mistakes, only choices, but tell that to the school girl who brought home a D on her math test. You know what mistakes really are? They’re the zest of life.

“Mistakes” are what life is made of. Closing the gap between a “mistake” and true alignment is the thrill of life. It’s that act, that feeling of, “Ah, now I understand this,” that is what life is all about. It’s coming into perfect alignment with who and what we are. The forward movement, the progression, the expansion, is the essence of life. Mistakes are the physical manifestation of that move toward expansion. If I started at the finish line every time I began a race, I wouldn’t have anywhere to run. It’s the journey from the beginning to the end where joy happens. Truly. We are growing, expansive creatures. So mistakes are awesome. Mistakes are beautiful. They are an opportunity for us to move forward, to become one with what we want. Closing that gap is the zest of life.

When I look at it that way, why on earth would I want to start doing things perfectly? I miss the whole point of forward movement and growth. I miss the whole point of expansion. I miss out on the thrill of finally getting what my teacher is instructing. The joy in learning comes not from acing a test but from starting something new and then having the “aha” moment where it all clicks. That’s where the pleasure lies. Right there.   

So instead of lamenting my “mistakes” and beating myself up for not knowing all the answers to everything, I sigh in relief and look forward in anticipation to where I’m going. I’m on a thrilling ride where I continually close the gap between what I don’t know and what I do. I love that process because that’s where life happens. That’s what I came on this earth to experience – the process of continual expansion. And expansion is a thrill that cannot be matched.

I dream of a world where we cherish our mistakes because that means when we finally “get it” the resulting feeling will be magnificent. I dream of a world where we love where we are and look forward to where we’re going. A world where we recognize the expansion that takes place in us is the most thrilling aspect life has to offer. A world where we recognize love holds no bounds and we are a part of all that is.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.