Welcoming a New Way

The other day I watched a facebook video from evolutionary astrologer David Yarrow Wood. He spoke about the current transit we’re all experiencing – Saturn conjunct Pluto. He said Pluto brings up fears so we can see through them, so we can no longer be motivated by them. That line. As soon as he said it, I paused the video to cry a little.

It’s similar to what I wrote more than a month ago about life now belonging to love and anything being possible. This process of learning a new way of being started for me before the pandemic, but COVID-19 is upping the ante. I am learning to no longer be motivated by my fears. It’s hard though because I have a lot of fears and so does the worldwide society. One only has to go to the grocery store to see that. Fear is motivating people to buy toilet paper like they’re preparing for a three-month blizzard. Fear is motivating people to buy guns in higher numbers than they did months prior.

I’m afraid and you’re afraid – with good reason. The world is scary right now. I get it. And I also understand the world is scarier for some people than it is for others. That’s real. And, I ask myself what would it be like to be motivated by something other than fear? What if I wasn’t motivated by scarcity and shame? What if I approached life from a place of ease and trust and care? That may sound naïve right now when we’re in a state of emergency, but I can’t help but think life would be better for all of us if we did.

I'm learning something new. Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Like I said, people are hoarding supplies, which causes less supply, which causes more hoarding. If instead we all bought two weeks’ worth of what we need, would we be seeing so many empty shelves? If we operated from a place of ease and grace, would our experience be different? I think so.

And it is different in different places. In other countries people continue to have healthcare. Or the government is paying everyone’s salary. Or the virus has been contained more effectively. In countries that think of the collective, that have systems to fall back on, the predominant feeling is “We’ll weather this storm,” rather than the sense we’ve been thrust into a war for which we’re ill-prepared. There’s more sense of trust and that’s something I want on a personal level too.

Because life continues, my neighbor is moving out May 1st (p.s., do you want to be my neighbor?). I’m worried about who will move in next. Fear turns me into a tornado, whirling around, spinning and spinning in my head. But that’s not particularly helpful because the reality is the right neighbor has already been selected on the cosmic level. The person who’s supposed to be there will be there. If I instead trusted the universe, I would surrender and offer it up to the divine. I would do my part emailing friends and posting the news to facebook, but then I would let go, knowing I’ll be alright. Knowing that I can handle what comes next. And that’s a wish I have for all of us.

I dream of a world where we take inspired action and then surrender the outcome. A world where we operate with a bit more trust and faith in the universe. A world where we understand we’re a part of a cosmic dance and we’re not meant to lead – we’re meant to follow. A world where we welcome a new way.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Becoming the Ocean

The other day I shared a poem by Khalil Gibran on Facebook titled "Fear." I'm sharing it again here because it's relevant to my life right now:

It is said that before entering the sea
a river trembles with fear.

She looks back at the path she has traveled,
from the peaks of the mountains,
the long winding road crossing forests and villages.

And in front of her,
she sees an ocean so vast,
that to enter
there seems nothing more than to disappear forever.

But there is no other way.
The river cannot go back.

Nobody can go back.
To go back is impossible in existence.

The river needs to take the risk
of entering the ocean
because only then will fear disappear,
because that’s where the river will know
it’s not about disappearing into the ocean,
but of becoming the ocean.

I am that river right now. I'm traveling through mountain peaks and crossing forests. The current of life is moving me along in a direction that excites me and scares me. I'm progressing toward something I didn't anticipate and for many years said I never wanted, yet here I am, traveling down this path. I want to run away, to turn back and go in the other direction, but like the river, I cannot. Too much momentum has built up. Will I change course? Possibly, but eventually I'll still enter the ocean, become the ocean. It's inevitable one way or another.

It all leads to this. Photo by Mathew Waters on Unsplash

I'm speaking in metaphors but that's because I'm not ready to talk about what I'm going through publicly yet. A part of me doesn't want to fully commit to this path and telling people what I'm doing means just that. Also, so much changes so quickly for me these days. The river current is rough and filled with rapids at the moment. I don't know how things will shake out.

And yet, there's something about becoming the ocean that speaks to me. When I look at what I'm going through, it feels like I'm becoming my truest self. I'm becoming the self I was always meant to be, which is lovely. Also, there's the spiritual level of becoming the ocean.

My spiritual teacher often uses the metaphor of a river and the ocean to talk about the spiritual journey we're on. How we're flowing back to the ocean and becoming the ocean. In essence, we're returning to Cosmic Consciousness and merging with it.

Sometimes the journey is fast and sometimes it's slow, but it's inevitable according to my spiritual philosophy. There's something comforting for me about knowing the general path is laid out, that even if this river changes course, eventually I'll still wind up in the same place: the ocean.

I don't know if this post is making much sense, but I want to close with saying we are each becoming more fully our true selves. We are learning and growing and changing. The process can be scary at times, we may be wending our way through the dark, but we're heading somewhere amazing and becoming who we're meant to be.

I dream of a world where we realize our greatness. A world where we flow with the current of life. A world where we understand sometimes there comes a point where we can't turn back and all that's left is to keep going. A world where we become the ocean.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Choosing faith

It's no secret I'm not doing all that well. Applying for jobs is one of the most demoralizing things a person can do, in my opinion. It's really getting to me. Not in the sense that I'm questioning my own worth and merit -- I know I'm talented and I'm clear I'd be an asset to any company. What's getting to me is the uncertainty. The question mark of when this will all be over.

People keep telling me, "You'll get a job," but no one can say, "You'll get a job in the next month" because nobody knows. It's hard to keep putting in effort without seeing payoff. The amount of effort I'm making doesn't translate into results. It's not like going to the gym after a couple of weeks and starting to see muscle definition. No. Instead the job thing is more random and haphazard, which is the opposite of my preference. What am I supposed to do here, other than what I already am, which is applying for jobs, writing cover letters, asking for help, networking, etc.? After much struggle, the answer I came to is: Have faith.

This is what faith is like for me -- light in the darkness. Photo by Josh Boot on Unsplash. 

"Having faith" is difficult for me. It's such a trite phrase we throw around but what does it actually mean? This weekend I realized I expect faith to be rational. I want it to be scientific and evidence-based. I want proof before I'll believe. Not getting any interviews right now? Then why should I believe I will in the future? This cautionary sort of faith and trust in my higher power is not working for me. It's sinking me into a depression, a place where hope disintegrates. It's pessimistic and it's dark. But here's the thing about faith: it's not rational or scientific or evidence-based. Faith is the opposite of all those things. It's belief without proof. That's not just my definition; the dictionary defines faith in the same way.

What does that mean for me? It means I have to actively, consciously, choose to believe my life will change, that I'll have a steady job again. It means I have to choose to put my trust in the universe that things will get better for me. It means I have to fight against pessimism and hold fast to something else, which is also a part of the meditation I practice.

A Sanskrit phrase for meditation is Iishvara prańidhána, or seeking shelter in the Supreme. My spiritual teacher says, "Iishvara prańidhána also implies implicit faith in [the divine] irrespective of whether one lives in momentary happiness or sorrow, prosperity or adversity."

Easier said than done my friends. Easier said than done. I don't live in implicit faith, obviously, but the alternative is becoming too painful. My way isn't working so it's time to try something new. For me that means choosing faith. It's scary and uncomfortable and doesn't feel at all rational, but it's not supposed to. That's what faith is -- belief without proof. And right now, faith is what's getting me through.

I dream of a world where we choose faith even when it seems ridiculous, even when our rational brain says we shouldn't. A world where we put our trust in something greater than ourselves. A world where we understand faith isn't a passive thing but instead something active and conscious. A world where faith is what sees us through.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Motivated by Something Else

"Life should not be motivated by fear." I've heard that sentence hundreds of times but usually it goes in one ear and out the other. The message doesn't land because my mind can't compute the meaning. In some ways my life has absolutely been motivated by fear.

I'm applying to any and every job -- some that I want and some that I don't -- because I'm scared. I'm casting as wide a range as possible because a part of me feels desperate. I'm like that person on Tinder who swipes right for every profile because I want someone, anyone, to say, "Yes, I'll go out with you." I get it. We say with jobs and with dating that it's a numbers game so on some level it makes sense to apply for everything, to say yes to everyone. But on another level it does not.

Reach for the clouds! Or something. . . Photo by Samuel Zeller on Unsplash

I'm saying yes to everything because I'm scared that I won't be hired anywhere. I'm not accounting for my own needs and wants. Instead I'm saying I'll settle for anything. Sometimes that's necessary. In my situation it's not. I'm already living off of unemployment and food stamps. This is as low as it gets for me because I won't be homeless -- I have too many friends and family to allow that to happen. So this? This is the worst it will get for me given the circumstances.

What would my life look like if I wasn't motivated by fear? What if my job search wasn't motivated by fear but instead joy, service, or faith? What would be different? For starters, my mindset would change. I wouldn't say "if I get hired" but instead "when I get hired." I'd believe the right job is coming along at some point. I'd apply places that make use of my skills and talents instead of any job, every job.

Writing this my chest is tight and my breathing is shallow because a part of me is very attached to the fear perspective. I'm afraid to stop being afraid. But I want to and am willing to try something new.

My spiritual teacher says over and over again that the universe knows what we need and want before we do. That there's a loving entity looking out for us, guiding us, giving us what we need. We don't always realize it at the time; often it only becomes clear in retrospect. I'm finding that to be true for me. I won't list all the reasons why right now but will say briefly that being unemployed has meant sleeping in every day for more than three months. As someone who didn't sleep well for seven years, this is a tremendous gift and means I'm healing in ways I never thought possible. So perhaps my higher power knows what's best for me after all.

I dream of a world where we are motivated by joy, love, service, and faith. A world where we hold out for what we want when we're fortunate to be in a position to do so. A world where we realize our higher power is acting in our best interest and we surrender to that, trusting all is well.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Bigger than Us

The other day I fretted about my job situation, worried I won't find another one, or I won't find another one that I like, that suits me, etc. I applied some spiritual principles -- mainly recognizing I'm not in control of this, but I have a higher power -- and came to the conclusion my higher power is bigger than all of this.

When I think about myself and my situation it's from a small and limited perspective. You could call it ego or fear, but regardless, it keeps me locked into limitation. It keeps me from believing in miracles and possibilities. That self is like Chicken Little, declaring the sky is falling because an acorn fell on her head. Did you know there are multiple versions of the Chicken Little story? In one version, Chicken Little and all her friends are lured to a fox's den and never seen again. In another, they tell a king and the king reassures them the sky is not falling, plucking an acorn from Chicken Little's head.

I'd like to frequent the metaphorical palace. Photo by Victoriano Izquierdo on Unsplash

This story appeals to me right now because I see my situation as a fork in the road with different outcomes. I could be like Chicken Little and let my fear lead me to a metaphorical fox's den where I'll be devoured, or I could be like Chicken Little and let my fear lead me to a metaphorical palace where I'll be reassured. My higher power is the royalty in this situation -- bigger, more powerful, and thoroughly capable.

The other day I watched a movie about Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. It reminded me back in the day royalty could accomplish the seemingly impossible. He wanted to marry Anne Boleyn so badly he created his own freaking church so he could divorce Catherine of Aragon. That may not seem like a big deal in this modern age where we can create a church in 10 minutes by purchasing a domain name on the internet, but back then? Unthinkable. Practically impossible. And he did it anyway. My higher power is not Henry VIII, but nonetheless, has royal qualities, which means my higher power can totally handle this job situation.

My higher power is bigger than me and thus capable of miracles. I've already been the recipient of miracles over and over again. In fact, I'm writing this blogpost from a miracle: my apartment. By all accounts this situation shouldn't exist: I live alone in a quiet place that I can afford with laundry onsite and in a good location close to public transportation. In the Bay Area that's like the Holy Grail. Can it be possible then my job will be similar? Sometimes I believe that and sometimes I don't, but the more I remember my higher power is bigger than me, the more reassured I feel.

I dream of a world where we remember the divine is greater, more powerful, and more capable than we are. A world where we realize those qualities mean miracles can manifest in a multitude of ways. A world where we're reassured by something bigger than us.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

We are the Storm

You know how people say most of the things they're afraid of never happen? The opposite is true for me -- most of the things I've feared have happened. Not the fleeting, "I'm scared I'll miss my flight" things, but the "I'm scared I'll be broken into" things. The recurring fears, the ones that cause my stomach to roil and my chest to constrict. I want to take a moment here to recognize my fears are of a privileged white woman. I totally understand other people lead tougher lives than I do, with fears greater than mine. I understand I have a relatively easy, cushy life. I'm not here to get into a competition about that. Rather, the point of this post is to talk about fear and resilience.

For much of my life I've braced myself for terrible things. I've done my best to ward them off but they happened anyway. And because they happened, I feel less afraid now. I no longer have to fear the worst because the worst has happened and I've lived to tell the tale. It also means I know how to take care of myself in challenging times. If I have to endure a hardship again, I will because I did before.

Researcher and storyteller Brené Brown writes about this character trait, resilience, in her book Rising Strong. She said, "While vulnerability is the birthplace of many of the fulfilling experiences we long for -- love, belonging, joy, creativity, and trust, to name a few -- the process of regaining our emotional footing in the midst of struggle is where our courage is tested and our values are forged. Rising strong after a fall is how we cultivate wholeheartedness in our lives; it’s the process that teaches us the most about who we are."

Can I find calm amidst the storm? Or better yet, become the storm? Photo by NASA on Unsplash

Check and check. I used to think of myself as a scaredy cat. As someone sensitive and fragile. But after everything I've been through, I'm moving closer and closer to feeling fearless because what else do I have to be afraid of? I've already surmounted many obstacles in my life. At this point I'm confident I have the tools to get through anything. I have evidence to prove my feelings won't kill me, even if feeling them sometimes is excruciating. And I continue to turn to my spiritual practices.

My spiritual teacher says over and over again if a person takes shelter in the Supreme, they need not be afraid of anything in this world. That the divine is "more courageous than the most courageous and braver than the bravest. Those who take shelter in [the divine] are therefore bound to acquire these qualities: courage, bravery, chivalry, and so on. Once endowed with such qualities, what is there to fear?"

I'm a human being so I still fear many things, but I know the more I lean into the presence of my higher power, the better I feel. The more I surrender, the more I recognize everything is an expression of an infinite loving consciousness; the more relaxed I become and also the more fearless. There's a quote floating around about how the devil whispered in a warrior's ear: "You're not strong enough to withstand the storm." And then the warrior responded, "I am the storm." That's what it feels like right now. May we all feel that way.

I dream of a world where we recognize our resilience. A world where we recognize our ability to tackle all the challenges coming our way. A world where we become more and more fearless because we understand not only are we strong enough to withstand the storm, but that we are the storm.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

How to Be Fearless

Fear is an interesting emotion. In our society, we treat it like a plague – something to cure, attack, avoid. We say, “Screw fear,” or, “Don't let fear get in the way.” Oftentimes our message about fear is simpler: “Don't be scared,” as if telling someone to stop being scared could stop them.

In my own relationship with fear, I've also treated it like an annoying inconvenience, or an enemy to defeat. For many years I used food to anesthetize myself. Or I escaped into fantasy, books, movies, television. When I realized none of those things would fix my fear, I started using other methods like affirmations, tapping, visualization, etc. Basically, whatever I could do to not feel afraid, I did. And every time I realized fear hadn't left, I felt discouraged, disappointed, as if I'd failed. As if fear had won and thus I'd lost.

We must enter the cave we fear. Photo by Joshua Sortino on Unsplash. 

The other week, intense fear reared its head in response to the fires north of me. I could see smoke drifting into San Francisco and some days it wafted into Oakland as well, creating a preternatural calm, a sun so hazy and orange I could look at it directly. Fear came up for many reasons, one of them an acute sense of powerlessness. I bought a mask to protect my lungs from the smoke, but I couldn't control whether the air remained smoky.

In my therapy session, I noticed I wanted my therapist to fix and solve my fear. I wanted him to take it away from me, to make it better. Instead he suggested I sit with it. I'm not sure what happened in the session because days prior I tried the same thing and just couldn't, but during the session I finally stayed still. I let fear wash over me saying, “It's OK. It's OK that you feel afraid. It makes sense. It's understandable.” For two days, fear erupted from me like a volcano, not due to any thoughts in particular, rather the feeling of fear itself. My heart palpitated, my breathing quickened. I tried all my usual tricks to no avail until I again said, “OK. I'm here with you. I won't leave you alone with your fear.” And then at group meditation last week I said to my fearful part, “Not only is it OK that you're here, but also, I love you,” and that brought on the tears.

All every part of me wants is love and presence. I can't ditch fear and anxiety. As a human being I will inevitably feel scared and anxious again, but since I said, “I love you” to my fearful part, I feel fearless. Not because I'm without fear, but rather because I know when fear pops up again, I'll allow it, I'll sit with it, and I'll say I love you. And then the fear will pass like a storm cloud.

My spiritual teacher says if a person takes shelter in the divine, one need not be afraid of anything. He says, “[F]ear requires two entities for its expression – the one who fears and the cause of fear. Where there is only One entity, because there can be no cause, fear cannot exist.”

In the past, I would have taken that to mean I'm not meditating enough because I still have fears. For today at least, I'm recognizing by loving my fearful self, I am taking shelter in the Cosmic Consciousness. I'm recognizing this fear, too, is a part of me, a part of God, and the way to dissolve fear is by showering it with love.

I dream of a world where we treat our fearful selves with love. A world where we recognize we are not at war with fear, but rather fear is like a small child, begging for affection. A world where we embrace our fearful parts, give it as much love as possible, and in that way become fearless.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

What's the Rush?

I am an impatient person. Almost nothing happens fast enough for me. I want things yesterday. Wait for something? No thanks. This is an attitude supported by our society, in my opinion. There's an underlying belief if something isn't happening on our timeline we need to move on. I notice in myself and others we don't want to wait – we want things to happen instantaneously.

I reflected on this during my meditation the other day and what bubbled up is, “What's the rush?” What's the rush indeed. Why am I in such a hurry to get where I'm going? Can I let things unfold naturally, and slowly?

My spiritual teacher says, “Suppose, immediately after planting some saplings and seeds, someone digs them up to find out if they have taken root or sprouted. That would not be considered wise.” He also says, “Each action has an equal and opposite reaction provided the three relative factors of time, space, and person remain unchanged. Whatever you do is an actional expression determined by your past actions. Your actions will certainly have reactions, but you may have to wait some time for their expression.”

Can we wait for flowers to bloom?

Again with the waiting. We all know patience is a virtue and things get better with time, like wine and cheese, but I don't consume either of those things so I don't connect with that comparison. What helps me is I think of my mother. My mom graduated from medical school when she was 64. That in itself is inspiring, but particularly what I think of is how she opened her own medical practice. In the first year, she barely made anything, she hardly saw any patients. It would have been very easy for her to say, “Oh well, not happening fast enough, time to move on to the next thing.” Instead, she stuck with it. It's been a couple of years, but she reached a point where she needs to hire someone a few hours a week to help out around her office. It didn't happen quickly, but she's finally seeing results.

That also reminds me of a podcast I listened to the other day on fear and creativity by Elizabeth Gilbert. One of her guests was comedian Michael Ian Black who said persistence is the most underrated quality a creative can have and talent is the most overrated. That concept stuck with me like a burr because it says to me if I persist, I can be successful. If I keep putting in the work, eventually it will bear fruit. The timeline is not up to me, but the work sure is.

I'm not saying stick with something if it makes a person miserable. But maybe we're giving up on things too soon? Maybe if we had a little patience we'd see the results we're after? There are no hard and fast rules on this unfortunately, but for me, erring on the patient side often seems more beneficial than the action side. Maybe that's true for others as well.

I dream of a world where we are a little more patient to see results. A world where we're a little more patient with ourselves and each other, understanding not everything can be hurried. A world where we ask ourselves, “What's the rush?” and realize often there isn't one.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Ready or Not . . . Or Not

I have a slight phobia of wheels. Roller skates, bicycles, cars, scooters – all of them scare me; not as a passenger, but when I’m in charge, heck yeah. My heart starts to pound and my rational brain leaves the building. It’s hard for me to concentrate, to remember all the little things that come so naturally to many. It would be great if a phobia was like other fears in that it abates the more often you engage with whatever it is you’re afraid of, but it’s not.

I like Wikipedia’s explanation of phobias the best:

“[A phobia is] a persistent fear of an object or situation in which the sufferer commits to great lengths in avoiding, typically disproportional to the actual danger posed, often being recognized as irrational. In the event the phobia cannot be avoided entirely, the sufferer will endure the situation or object with marked distress.”

This means that it doesn’t matter how often I drive a car (and I have -- I’ve owned two cars, driven across the country, driven long distances by myself, driven in cities, etc.), the fear never goes away. It may lessen, but it’s ever present. I bring all this up because last week I bought this bad boy:

My new scooter! Ain't it pretty?

For those of you who can’t tell, that’s a Piaggio Fly 150 scooter. Last week I moved to a quiet, safe neighborhood just over the Oakland hills that necessitates I have wheels of some kind. Because I can’t afford a car, voila, a scooter. I like riding my scooter; it’s fun, but it’s also scary because of my phobia to operating wheels. I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to ride further and faster than I’m comfortable with because I kind of have to. The closest bus stop is a mile and a half away, and the closest BART station (the train system for those of you who don’t know) is six miles away.

In our culture of “just do it,” I feel like I should be able to “get over” my fear and drive the thing in heavy traffic and be completely fine. That I should be able to drive to the BART station no problem. But it is. I can’t force myself to be ready when I’m not. Yes, there is such a thing as paralysis, of complete avoidance, but there’s also such a thing as pushing myself too fast too far. I’m taking my scooter out every day to feel more comfortable handling it, to build up my confidence, but there’s no need to rush.

I bring this up because perhaps you feel like you “should” be somewhere you’re not. That you “should” quit your job already, or move, or be ready for another relationship, or whatever. I’m here to tell you (and me) it’s OK if you’re not. You don’t have to be ready faster than you are. It’s fine to go at your own pace and do things when you’re really ready. Yesterday I rode my scooter all the way to the grocery store because I was ready. I was afraid, but I was also ready to push myself to that limit. Instead of embracing the philosophy, “Ready or not, here I come!” I’m embracing the philosophy of gentleness, of going slowly at my own pace, because I’m not ready yet to go certain distances, but I know I will be.

I dream of a world where we don’t force ourselves to be ready when we’re not. A world where we allow ourselves to go at a pace we can handle. A world where we are gentle with ourselves, taking our time, easing off the pressure because we understand when it comes to “ready or not,” sometimes the answer is, “Not.”

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Trigger, Trigger, Boom

I am a firm believer that every repeat experience, every emotional overreaction, comes up so it can be healed and released. Having said that, I am also a slow learner and usually want to change my outside circumstances instead of determining what the internal, personal lesson is. However, the universe is tricky and makes sure I confront my stuff.

Yesterday, I went to water my neighbor’s garden and I noticed her back door was ajar, which it hadn’t been the day before. I immediately assumed the worst. “She must have been broken into! She’s been robbed and ransacked!” I don’t think she was robbed, it doesn’t really make sense that she was considering we’re in a gated community, nobody else reported a burglary, she’s at the back of the property, and somebody would have to know to walk to the back of the house to find a door. Anyway, I don’t know for sure, that answer will be revealed when I speak with her.

I'd like to believe some explosions are like supernovae in that they create something new. 

The point is I freaked out. As in, inconsolable, shaken, incapable of much rational thought, unable to sleep or calm down. When I dug a little deeper I realized it’s not because I was worried about being broken into myself, but rather because I was having flashbacks. Almost two years ago, some friends of mine were broken into while I was housesitting for them. I was, and am, traumatized by the experience. Walking into a space with the back door ajar, ransacked, books thrown on the floor, drawers pulled out from the dresser, all the lights on, has been burned into my brain. So when I saw my neighbor’s door ajar, I wasn’t seeing her situation, I was reliving one from my past. That, my friends, is called a trigger.

I hadn’t realized I’d carried so much fear with me about the experience two years ago until yesterday. I thought I was over the whole thing but now I understand I’d only buried it. Instead of lamenting the possible break in, I see what’s really happening on my end is that I need to release this junk. I need to let the trauma out of my body and I’m thankful I have the tools like EMDR to do so. That’s the nature of triggers, they precede an explosion, and instead of running away from triggers, it’s far better for me to deal with them as they come up so I am no longer triggered with quite the same severity.

A million years ago a good friend of mine told me every moment of life is a love poem from my creator. I have to believe that also includes the “bad” stuff, the triggers, the hard moments, the things I’d rather push under the rug. My creator loves me so much that circumstances are created such that these things are not allowed to stay hidden. I am so loved my creator instead says, “Hey, Rebekah, you need to look at this.” And so I am.

I dream of a world where we confront our triggers as they come up. A world where we understand every moment is a love poem from our creator. A world where we shine a light on all our dark spots and seek the help we need, in whatever form that may take.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

May the Force NOT Be with You

I know I wrote a blog a few years ago with this same title, but I couldn’t resist using it again because today is May 4th and the next Star Wars cast recently came out. I mean, this title was practically begging to be used.

So, ahem, I’m looking for a new place to live (again!). Since I got back from Vienna in March, it’s been one thing after another with my cottage. Nothing major, little things like my internet not working, my toilet not flushing, my water getting turned off due to a sewer complication, etc. But it’s been enough to remind me, “I don’t like living here.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I moved in, this cottage has been great for what it was, for what I needed at the time, but now I’m ready for something different. Something better. Something more in line with my heart’s desires.

I almost posted a Star Wars pic but then decided that was overkill.

Coupled with my desire to leave is a wee bit of desperation and impatience (for good measure). Whenever I come across something on Craigslist that even remotely suits my needs (i.e. quiet, safe neighborhood, in my price range), I jump on it. If I can’t attend the open house, panic consumes me because, “What if this is my place to live and I’m missing out and nothing like it will show up again and then I’ll be stuck here forever and ever?” I liken it to Black Friday syndrome. You know that phenomenon when people wait outside a department store at 4 a.m. and as soon as the store opens they start grabbing stuff willy-nilly, even if the item is not exactly what they want, but it’s close, and they don’t want someone else to buy the item instead?

I feel that way about housing. The apartment may not be exactly what I’m looking for, but competition is fierce, and I want to move, and what if I don’t find anything better, so gosh darn it, I’ll take it! I have to keep reminding myself desperation and impatience have gotten me into some pickles in the past, so, no, I cannot force myself into saying yes because I’m afraid nothing better will come along.

I realize I’m picky about housing, and believe me, I wish I wasn’t, but a part of accepting myself as I am is realizing if I don’t live somewhere I love, nothing works properly in my life. My health suffers, my work suffers, my friendships suffer. Housing is the hub from which everything else emanates for me so I must not force myself to say yes to anything less than what my heart desires. I must wait until what I’m looking for comes along; reminding myself the world is abundant, despite what my mind tells me.

Obviously this applies not only to housing, but to everything. A million years ago I wrote my sister a birthday card and told her, “Never settle for anything because that’s exactly what you’ll get.” Compromises and adjustments need to be made, absolutely, but compromising is not the same thing as settling in my book.

I dream of a world where we don’t settle for anything less than what our hearts and souls desire. A world where we keep the faith, and have patience that we want will come along. A world where we don’t force ourselves to say “yes” out of fear and desperation, but because we really mean it.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Love Me Tender

I'm recycling a blog post from 2009 so, no, a friend of mine didn't die on Tuesday, but I think this post has merit and I wanted to reshare it with y'all. 

This week I learned a lot about myself, where I am, and where I’d like to go. Someone I went to high school with died on Tuesday and it hit me like a Mack truck. We weren’t close, but it brought up all this stuff for me. As soon as I heard the news I wanted to pick up the phone and call somebody, I wanted someone to comfort me.

As I walked home from work, tears leaking out from the corners of my eyes, my Papa did his best to pacify me. He said all the right things, made all the right soothing noises, but it wasn’t enough. So then I called my mom. And she did all the same things. And it still wasn’t enough. And then I called some more people and it still wasn’t enough. After all this I realized, yet again, the comfort I crave has to come from me. The unconditional love, affection, and support has to come from within because coming from the outside it will never be enough. Because the outside love and comfort runs out. Because it’s unsustainable.

Love me tender, love me sweet. . .

It's like a car: A car needs to run on gasoline but it can only go so far before it needs a refill. It’s the same way with getting love from the outside – it will help for a little while, but eventually we’ll need more. Eventually we’ll run through the love and support someone else gave us and return for our refill. And keep returning unless we learn to refill ourselves. I’d rather generate my own love, affection, comfort, and support because my supply is infinite. The love, affection, comfort, and support coming from me never ends and never will end. And I don’t need a telephone or a computer to access it either, it’s right here with me at all times.

So here I am, back to self-love, back to filling up my own cup of happiness, back to relying on myself to meet my needs. Turning to myself for the unconditional love and support I crave. And I see how the more I love and approve and accept myself as I am, the more I can do that for others. Once I fill up myself, any leftovers can be given to other people.

The other issue Ryan’s death brought up for me was fear. Fear of what will happen to me. Fear I won’t realize my dreams. Fear of the future, which really means lack of trust. Lack of trust what’s best for me will happen. Lack of trust I’ll be taken care of. I would like to release my need for fear and instead turn my fear into trust and that’s done through love. Love for me and love for the Supreme.

Because life is magical, I of course came across this post on Louise L. Hay’s website (which I recommend reading) that deals with this very subject. Louise articulates exactly what I’ve been feeling using the exact same imagery. Before I came across the article, I wrote an email to a friend saying how I think fear obscures our brightness. How fear is like a cloud that blocks out the sun. And how I’d rather live in the light. How I’d rather realize my own magnificence. In fact, that’s one of the affirmations Louise recommends: “I am now willing to only see my magnificence.”

I realize I created this mental pattern, this need for fear, but so too I realize I can uncreate it. I have the power to change my mind and I use that power to create a life I wish to lead. I want to feel loved at all times. I want to feel safe at all times in all situations. I want to trust in my Creator and my Creator’s plan for me. I want to realize my magnificence and rise above thoughts that attempt to make me afraid. I am already cradled by the divine in each and every moment – now it’s up to me to remember that.

I dream of a world where we love ourselves unconditionally. Where we feel safe in the here and now. Where we release our need for fear. Where we recognize ourselves to be bright, shining stars. A world where peace and harmony reign. A world where we feel at ease because we know and trust all our needs will be met. A world filled with magic and wonder and awe. A world where we see everything as an expression of an infinite, loving consciousness, ourselves included.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Who Do You Think You Are?

This weekend my friends and I talked a lot about myth and metaphor and how metaphors shape a person’s worldview. Myths and metaphors are important because they affect how we act and interact. For instance, if a person’s personal metaphor is that she is superwoman, she will attempt to do too much and swoop in and save others, and often to her detriment. Or if a person’s worldview is that we are all one big family, he or she will treat others with love, respect, and compassion.

I’m still working out what my personal metaphor is, but what I can tell you is it’s changing and thus how I’m showing up in the world is changing.

I love the phoenix myth about getting reborn after destruction.

At my core I am a loving person – I have a huge heart and I care deeply about all living beings. However, because I am so sensitive, especially when I was younger I didn’t feel safe being my loving, soft and feminine self. The world felt too big, scary, and rough. Like dropping a teddy bear in a field of velociraptors – if you do, it’s going to get ripped to shreds. My solution was to become like a medieval knight and put on loads of armor. If I wore armor that meant I wouldn’t get hurt. But my true self is loving and love is expansive; it doesn’t want to be contained and is not satisfied with existing inside a suit of armor.

Something about this whole Saturn return thing that I’m still undergoing is stripping away false beliefs and ways of being. Even as I wanted to be a medieval knight, even as I aspired to be hardhearted and fierce, I don’t think anyone ever actually perceived me that way. My point, and the reason for the title of this post, is that sometimes we think we know who we are, but often our perception doesn’t match up to reality. And more importantly, if we change the deep underlying story we operate from, we change how we show up in the world.

More and more I’m becoming love personified, that’s who I really am, that’s how most people perceive me I think. I want my new story to be that it’s safe to be soft, feminine, vulnerable, and loving. I want my perceived weakness to become my greatest strength. I want to exist in the world as I actually am, not who I think I should be.

I’m driving at two points here: 1.) who we think we are is often not who we actually are and 2.) the personal narrative we operate from is deeply important. I’m advocating that we realign who we actually are with a story that works for us and works for the betterment of the world.

I dream of a world where we each show up authentically. A world where we allow ourselves to be who we really are. A world where we take a closer look at the metaphorical stories we’re operating from and decide if they’re working for us. A world where we understand we can change our stories and as we change our stories we change our lives.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Mitigating Disaster

I’ve been dancing around this topic for the past two years (probably longer), but on Wednesday night I finally understood on a very deep level how much my higher power mitigates disaster.

I’ve already talked about how I’m a big scaredy cat, how I worry a lot and try to anticipate danger. You could say I’m hypervigilant. In my mind, if I worry long enough I’ll prevent something from happening, or be able to handle it once it does because I’ve thought about it so freaking much. I’m ready to let that go.

So. Wednesday night. My neighbor decided it was a brilliant time to get drunk and high and talk REALLY LOUDLY with another neighbor while outside. Because after midnight on a weekday is a perfect time to act belligerent, right? The really funny, magical thing is this week I was already zonked and asked my bosses for Thursday off. How crazy that the night my neighbor decides to be loud is also the night I don’t have to worry about when I go to sleep because I don’t have work the next day?

Higher power mitigates disaster not by making the ice thick, but by putting up signs when it's thin.

It was as if higher power was saying to me, “Look, stuff happens. People can be inconsiderate, but I will create circumstances so you’re always taken care of. I will make sure your needs are met.” When I look back on my life for the last three years, I see that thread consistently. I see that higher power couldn’t change the behavior of my neighbors, so taking care of me meant moving several times, meant going to Tucson, meant going back to D.C., meant a million little things that all add up to making sure I was always OK.

In the past, I think I’ve been a little blinded, a little immature, a little controlling because I wanted the world to bend to my whims. I wanted my upstairs neighbor to never play loud music ever, I wanted my downstairs neighbor to be nicer and for her dog to stop barking, I wanted the world to be the way I wanted without realizing that’s not possible. What is possible is arranging circumstances so I don’t have work the next morning, or will stay somewhere else when my cottage has plumbing issues, or will be out of the house when someone breaks in.

God/brahma/higher power/the universe/source/spirit is infinite and creative. I can let go of how I want things to be, of how I think others should behave in favor of the knowledge that whatever happens, I will be OK. I will be taken care of because my higher power does a great job of mitigating disaster and ensuring not that bad things will never happen, but if they do, my needs will still be met.

I dream of a world where we realize the world doesn’t bend to our whim, but circumstances will be created to ensure everything is alright. A world where we know we are always taken care of. A world where we relax, let things go, and trust in our concept of something greater than ourselves.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Stand in Your Power

Lately I’ve come to realize I haven’t been standing in my power. I haven’t been owning my abilities and have been selling myself short. I’m afraid of the future, the “what ifs” because I haven’t been recognizing myself as a key player, and instead have been viewing myself as a victim, as someone who has to take and accept whatever happens. And because I’ve been cultivating a victim mentality, I live in fear of what may happen.

I don’t know if that made any sense, but I think a good metaphor is being afraid of riding a bus driven by a drunken maniac. I do NOT want to be on that bus and I am ridiculously afraid of riding it. What I forget is that I have a choice as to whether or not I step foot on the bus. Owning my power means remembering I have a choice, means remembering things are not definite, not a given, not guaranteed.

It's such a powerful moment in the "Lord of the Rings" when Gandalf declares, "You shall not pass!"

  

I guess what I’m encouraging here is remembering our part to play in events and circumstances. When we’re feeling afraid, to say, “Wait, I have options here!” The idea that I have no choice; that I’m saddled with an unpleasant event I cannot affect is what really freaks me out.

If I could, I’d like us to do an exercise where we access our inner power. Please stand up with your feet shoulder width apart, arms relaxed by your side, eyes closed. Feel your energy go into the earth, grounding yourself. Now imagine the energy coming back up through your feet and let it settle in the trunk of your body. For me, I feel the energy the most in my heart and my stomach. Now let that energy radiate out like rays of sunshine throughout your body. You are standing in your power.

When we’re empowered people we’re like Gandalf declaring, “You shall not pass!” I can only speak for myself, but when I’m empowered I feel safe, I feel at peace, OK with whatever’s to come because I know I can handle it. I trust myself and my abilities and I really believe like I wrote last week that I am my own best friend.

My intention is to feel this way more and more frequently and to remind myself I don’t need to feel afraid of the future, of the what if’s, of the things that are out of my control because I am a powerful person who can confront whatever I’m faced with. And I have that dream for you too.

I dream of a world where we own our power. A world where we’re in our bodies fully present. A world where we remember we always have other options. A world where we remember we are capable beings who can handle whatever life throws at them. A world where we are our own heroes.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

The Awakening

I have a friend on facebook who utterly intrigues me. She's a twinflame matchmaker who's on a mission to help women become high healed priestesses and engage in their bli$$nesses (bliss + business). Her website, photos, and messages are awash with pink and all things girly. She talks a lot about healing the divine feminine and awakening the feminine energy which is in all of us -- men and women alike.

Also, yesterday was the winter solstice here in the Northern Hemisphere. Another friend shared this picture and message: "Happy winter solstice! To the divine, sacred spirit of the feminine opening everything."

I have no idea whether this is photoshopped or not.

What I'm saying is feminine energy has been on my mind. I've been thinking about what it means and noticing there's been a distinct imbalance in my life, a skewing toward the masculine energy more than the feminine. It seems to me masculine energy is all about doing, acting, moving, while feminine energy is all about being, receiving, and stillness. Given the choice, I'd much rather "do." Tell me the action to take and I will. Stillness, having patience, these are much harder for me but I'm being called to bring forth my feminine energy more and more.

On Wednesday, I had a conversation about fear and my therapist asked me what my typical response is. My typical response is to power through it. To rush through fear like a warrior charging into battle, but the warrior doesn't always work for me because sometimes there's no action to take. Sometimes all my fearful self wants is a hug, which means nurturing and caring for me. Calling forth my softer side.

I won't say my softer side has been lying dormant -- it hasn't -- but cultivating the feminine within me has been a process, an awakening of sorts. If you think about it, waking up requires more than opening your eyes -- you also have to throw off the sheets and sidle out of bed. I opened up my eyes long ago, and now I'm stretching.

I guess I'm writing this post because I'm noticing the value of the feminine and I want to encourage other people to engage their softness too. I used to think soft meant weak, vulnerable, open to attack, but the more I'm dismantling my fear, the more I notice it takes a lot of courage to be soft, to be vulnerable, to nurture. And it doesn't mean I have to be one way or another -- sometimes the warrior is necessary, but so is the pink fuzzy blanket.

I also want to say here, in the past I might have berated myself for not being where I want, for not being "awake" already, but I'm noticing there's deliciousness in waking up. There's softness in the process. This is me encouraging you to be OK with where you are, to know whatever awakening you are going through it's perfectly fine for it to be gentle, for you to not be finished with it yet. Savor where you are, you'll be awake soon enough.

I dream of a world where we don't rush the process. A world where we understand we wake up (metaphorically speaking) when we're ready. A world where we value both the masculine and feminine side of ourselves. A world where we live in harmony with ourselves calling forth what is needed when it is needed.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Cradled

A consequence of my current health condition is I get caught up in my fears a LOT. Not only do I contemplate things that I'm afraid of -- break ins, dying in a car accident, the emergency parking brake failing -- but I become CONVINCED they are all going to happen. My mind latches onto a fear and won't shake it. If I could give one piece of advice to someone, it's don't burn out your adrenal glands, dealing with the repercussions is hell.

On Friday, I drove up to Bellingham to see a friend of mine. I have a slight phobia of driving, which means spending an hour and a half in the car with heavyish traffic is not my idea of fun. When I am stressed, my fears rocket out of control, so for instance, I spent a good chunk of time worrying my car would barrel through the garage door even though I set the emergency parking brake. (It didn't.)

Bunnies, or rabbits, are a reminder in shamanism to not be afraid of everything and instead listen to your intuition.

However, I also had an interesting experience on my drive that has helped me pay less attention to my fears. My intuition was on high alert, which means every time a car was about to signal and change into my lane, I knew it in advance. I had a premonition of every event before it happened -- lane changes, rest areas, everything. I got to thinking about all the other times in my life when I had an intuitive hit something would happen, which made me realize for every event I didn't enjoy, I was forewarned.

Every break in, every accident, every layoff, every huge life event, I knew about it in advance. When that realization sunk in, I understood I don't need to worry about all these potentialities, all these psychodramas because for the real dramas, the universe gives me a heads up. I used to wonder if by thinking about them -- break ins, car accidents, etc. -- I was practicing the law of attraction and drawing these things to me. I wondered if I was manifesting these awful events and therefore blamed myself for their occurrence. Now I understand that's a lot of self-centered phooey and instead realize I was getting a warning. I am cradled in the lap of the universe. I am so loved, connected, and blessed that God/Brahma/the Cosmic Consciousness/my inner guide lets me know about terrible events in advance so I can prepare myself and perhaps change the outcome slightly, or at least soften the blow.

Understanding I'm given a heads up, I can disregard my errant fears as they arise because unless they carry the weight of intuition behind them, all they are is F.E.A.R. (false evidence appearing real). I can get in touch with my intuitive side, I can check in and determine whether my fear is legitimate or whether it's my brain making up stories. And I can let go of it all recognizing that even in the worst moments, I am cradled by love.

I dream of a world where we get in touch with our intuition. A world where we listen to the voice that’s within us. A world where we know that even at the worst of times we are still guided, loved, and protected. A world where we let go of what ails us because we understand we are all cradled by love.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Transcending Fear

I’ve blogged once a week for approximately five years. That’s . . . a lot of blogposts. I realize some of you have been reading “Another World is Probable” from the beginning, but quite a few of you haven’t. There are some gems in my archives that I want to highlight and even if you’ve read it before, I figure we can all use a reminder every now and again. I know I could. So, here in its entirety is a post from April 2010:

I used to believe I had to “conquer” my fears. I used to be of the mindset I had to squash doubt flat, or wrestle with my other issues until I won. That I had to assert my will and come out the victor. I realized a while ago that’s not the case at all. In January I wrote a journal entry I’ve been meaning to share but haven’t yet:

Jan. 27, 2010 I realized tonight this fear is not mine, it doesn’t belong to me. I’ve been trying to take ownership of it. To claim it. To bust through it. To work around it. But it’s like a blind man getting caught tangled in a cloak. I’ve been trying to chew holes in it and rip it apart, but ultimately can’t get rid of it until I just take it off, recognizing it doesn’t belong to me. Because it doesn’t. There’s no use in trying to work with or tame fear – it can’t be tamed. Only released. It was never mine to begin with. It always belonged to God so I give it back to its rightful owner, where God can transmute it into love. That was never my responsibility. My only job was to let it go, to surrender.

I don't know why this picture makes me think "transcendence" but it does.

While that particular journal entry was about fear I think it can apply to anything and everything. I don’t ever really “work through” my issues so much as release them. Some people would say to me, “Yes, but Rebekah, the only way to get rid of a fear like public speaking is to just go out and do it. Take a class and practice.” I would say let’s take a look at what’s really going on. What happens when we practice something like public speaking? We decide it’s not as scary as we thought. Because we’re doing what scares us, we realize it’s not so bad. We release the fear in our mind. So again, the point of power, the point of change, is in the mind, not the action. 

Whenever I talk about surrender and release someone invariably says to me, “Yes but you still have to do stuff. You can’t just sit around.” Sometimes I think we confuse surrender and avoidance. Avoidance is fear-based. When I avoid something it’s because I’m afraid, I don’t want to do it, whatever. If I were to say, “I surrender my fear of public speaking,” and then refuse to speak in public whenever I’m given the opportunity, that’s not really surrendering the fear, is it? That’s avoidance. 

Surrender means to release, to let go, to no longer fight. When I surrender fear and doubt I release them to love. I give them to infinite love. I no longer wrestle with them using my ego, or the willful part of me. The part of me that thinks I handle everything by myself, the part of me that thinks I am separate from everyone and everything else. Essentially the part of me that disconnects from all-pervasive love. 

When I surrender, when I release, when I let go, I transcend all those issues. I transcend my little “I” and my little “I” issues and instead remember all is love. Instead I remember I am love incarnate. 

I dream of a world where instead of “working” on our issues we just let them go. A world where we remember we are divine, magnificent beings, and our true nature is love. A world where we see ourselves for who we really are – embodiments of love. A world where we transcend all that is unlike love and live in a place of peace and harmony. 

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

From Victim to Victor

It has come to my attention this week that everything I'm afraid of happening has happened. It's left me feeling like a victim, asking myself, "Why me? Why is life doing this to me?" It made me want to run away and hide, to get as far away from my fears as possible. And yet, there was still an element of life imposing itself on me. For instance, whenever I've heard loud music playing lately I've wanted to retreat into myself. I've cried so many tears of fear, pain, and victimization, dreaming of living in a soundproof bubble, not understanding where my power lies. Victimhood strips me of that power, but last week it all changed.

I'm not going to say, "Everything is better and I never feel like a victim now," but I will say I no longer identify quite so strongly with the victim place. Once I realized all of my fears have manifested I took a step back and said, "Wait a minute. This is happening because of me. Life is reacting to me, I'm not reacting to it! I am a powerful being and I am co-creating all of this!" And that has made all the difference; it's helped me to regain my power.

I love this picture of Nike, the goddess of victory, because it seems to both embody the victim (she has no head) and the victor (she's still standing proud).

I had a sinking feeling last weekend would be horrible noise-wise because all the Berkeley students would have finished their finals and graduated. I was terrified there would be a loud party and that I wouldn't be able to sleep. That probably sounds silly, being terrified of noise, but when you've been as consistently sleep deprived as I've been, that's what happens. So the party. It happened. And instead of going into my fear and panic place, my crying, "Why is this happening to me? How can I make it stop?" place, I started repeating over and over again, "I am powerless over my need to control and my life is unmanageable." And then I started saying, "Everything is Brahma (aka, God, the universe, the supreme)." Once I got into a calm and centered place, realizing that no, actually I cannot fall asleep with loud and pulsing bass music -- I finally called the police after asking my neighbors to turn down their music to no avail. Calling the police wasn't a reactive thing. It wasn't an angry, spiteful, or fearful thing. It was a, "This is the only plausible next right action. This is what has to happen," thing.

In that moment, my sense of empowerment and agency came back. I didn't feel like a victim anymore. I felt powerful because, you know, there are some things I cannot change and have to accept, like the hum of my refrigerator. But there are other things I do not; and hearing loud, pulsing bass music at 3 a.m. is one of them.

I've been afraid to work on manifesting because I haven't wanted to add more samskaras to my life (people in the West say karma). I haven't wanted to get weighed down by all my desires and so I've been manifesting from a place of a victim. But the point is I've still been manifesting. It happened even though I didn't want it to. As a victor, manifesting means surrendering my everything to the divine and trusting I will be taken care of, that all my needs will be met. It means the universe already knows everything I desire so I don't have to ask because instead I trust I will receive everything that's in my best interest. That I will be given anything and everything that's required so I may accomplish my life's purpose. In essence, it's taking my public declaration of trust a step further and saying, "Not only do I trust in my creator, but I trust everything I want and need for my spiritual growth will be given to me."

I dream of a world where we choose the victor over the victim. A world where we understand we are powerful beings who steer our lives. A world where we feel empowered by our choices and understand we always have a part to play in the events of our lives. A world where we realize we're manifesting everything and the best thing we can do is surrender it all and live in trust all of our needs will always be met.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

You'll Know when You Know

Right now I'm visiting a friend in upstate New York watching the sun fade behind the trees outside his window. It's gorgeous here – snow covering the ground, trees littering the slopes, and mountains standing in the distance. My friend LOVES where he lives. He cannot sing his town's praises any higher otherwise his voice would crack. I understand the appeal – nature mixing with civilization, liberal attitudes, and a deep love of the environment. Seeing as how I'm a gypsy right now, I'm on the lookout for my new Home. I say it with a capital “H” because Home is not only the place I live – it's where I love, where I thrive, where I feel a sense of belonging. I am not satisfied living just anywhere – I have to fall in love with the place.

This is basically what I've been walking around in.

I'm experiencing a wee bit of mental anguish at the moment because I don't know where I'm going next. I don't know where my next Home will be. I don't know where my heart wants to reside. For someone who likes to plan in advance, this is an uncomfortable spot to be in.

While talking with my lifecoach on Thursday, I said to him, “I'm here, now, and I'm sure when I need to make a decision about where I'm living next, the universe will make that abundantly clear.” That message has become even more clear on this trip. You see, I want to want to live in upstate New York where my friend does – it's everything I could ask for, but the sentiment isn't there. My heart didn't open when I walked down the street. I didn't feel warm and tingly when we cruised through the countryside. Every moment on the first day of my visit I asked myself, “Could I live here? Do I want to live here? Do I see myself here?” The answer was, “No.”

I'm pretty sure I'm going back to California in April because it's the only place that still has my heart (you are welcome to start singing, “I left my heart in San Francisco,” now), but I haven't booked any tickets yet. What I do believe, what I'm trusting in, is that when I'm supposed to know, I will. I'm trusting that as with all of my life, more will be revealed. The fog will lift and I'll know where to live, when to go, what to do. I'll feel it in my heart, my gut, my body. The pieces will come together and the puzzle will be solved. Until that time, I'll living here, now, and doing as Rainer Maria Rilke suggests and having patience with everything unresolved in my heart, loving the questions like locked rooms, not searching for the answers, living in the now, knowing one day I will live my way into the answers.

I dream of a world where we understand with everything in life, we'll know when we know. I dream of a world where we're OK with the questions, where we trust the answers will become clear to us in time. A world where we live in the now, not worrying about the future, because instead we're feeling at peace in the moment.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.