The Real Meaning of the Saturn Return

As always, I only speak for myself, so while the title suggests I know the "real meaning of the Saturn return," I can only relay my own experience. Disclaimers yo -- they're important.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Saturn return, it's when the planet reappears in the position it was in at the time of your birth, which takes roughly 27-31 years. Most people speak of it with groans and derision because it's the butt-kicking time of life. It brings about big changes and strips us of all things that no longer work. There is also speculation the Saturn return had a hand in the 27 club (aka, musicians who died at 27). Ultimately, the first Saturn return is about entering adulthood, which has been the case for me.

This is the planet responsible for so much.

It may sound silly to say that because I graduated from college years ago. I've been in the working world for nearly seven years supporting myself. Haven't I already been an adult? I thought so too. What I didn't realize is Saturn's job is to shine a light on all the dark spots of my past so I don't have to hide from the shadows. It's Saturn's job to give me perspective on my past and help me let it go so I can fully reside in my power as an adult woman.

When Saturn started to make its presence known in my astrological chart in October, I noticed all this stuff with my inner child began to surface. I realized my fears and insecurities came from my childhood. I noticed there was a lot from my childhood I had to heal.

On Friday I saw a physical therapist who specializes in integrative manual therapy, which basically means she manipulates my organs to reset them to normal. She reflected back to me I've been carrying around a ton of fear and anxiety; it's been living in my body since I was a kid. The sweet part is she gave me a process for letting it go. She suggested I meditate on a mudra (a hand gesture) that's already been a very important part of my life. This hand gesture has A LOT of significance for me, so to have someone else instruct I use it myself is the equivalent of admiring the way your favorite musician plays her guitar solo only to realize you can play her guitar solo too. (Please forgive the analogy, I am VERY tired.)

I'm so grateful for my Saturn return because it's unearthing all this buried crap I didn't know I had. It's excavating the rubble from my life so I can move forward rubble free. I also find it interesting this process of growing up, of coming into my own, is taking place in Washington, D.C., the city where I first started to transition from adolescence to adulthood. It's incredibly sweet that this last period where I'm cementing my adult self should also take place in Washington, D.C. I'm laying my demons to rest and trying to wipe my slate clean. I have no idea whether this post will mean anything to the rest of you, but I wanted to share my experience. It's shown me my life is full of bookends and even when I'm undergoing hardship and change it's for my own good.

I dream of a world where we see the good in our lives. A world where we understand deep change is for our benefit. A world where we realize we're given the opportunity to let go of all things that do not serve us. A world where we release the burdens of our past and welcome the brilliance of our future.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

You'll Know when You Know

Right now I'm visiting a friend in upstate New York watching the sun fade behind the trees outside his window. It's gorgeous here – snow covering the ground, trees littering the slopes, and mountains standing in the distance. My friend LOVES where he lives. He cannot sing his town's praises any higher otherwise his voice would crack. I understand the appeal – nature mixing with civilization, liberal attitudes, and a deep love of the environment. Seeing as how I'm a gypsy right now, I'm on the lookout for my new Home. I say it with a capital “H” because Home is not only the place I live – it's where I love, where I thrive, where I feel a sense of belonging. I am not satisfied living just anywhere – I have to fall in love with the place.

This is basically what I've been walking around in.

I'm experiencing a wee bit of mental anguish at the moment because I don't know where I'm going next. I don't know where my next Home will be. I don't know where my heart wants to reside. For someone who likes to plan in advance, this is an uncomfortable spot to be in.

While talking with my lifecoach on Thursday, I said to him, “I'm here, now, and I'm sure when I need to make a decision about where I'm living next, the universe will make that abundantly clear.” That message has become even more clear on this trip. You see, I want to want to live in upstate New York where my friend does – it's everything I could ask for, but the sentiment isn't there. My heart didn't open when I walked down the street. I didn't feel warm and tingly when we cruised through the countryside. Every moment on the first day of my visit I asked myself, “Could I live here? Do I want to live here? Do I see myself here?” The answer was, “No.”

I'm pretty sure I'm going back to California in April because it's the only place that still has my heart (you are welcome to start singing, “I left my heart in San Francisco,” now), but I haven't booked any tickets yet. What I do believe, what I'm trusting in, is that when I'm supposed to know, I will. I'm trusting that as with all of my life, more will be revealed. The fog will lift and I'll know where to live, when to go, what to do. I'll feel it in my heart, my gut, my body. The pieces will come together and the puzzle will be solved. Until that time, I'll living here, now, and doing as Rainer Maria Rilke suggests and having patience with everything unresolved in my heart, loving the questions like locked rooms, not searching for the answers, living in the now, knowing one day I will live my way into the answers.

I dream of a world where we understand with everything in life, we'll know when we know. I dream of a world where we're OK with the questions, where we trust the answers will become clear to us in time. A world where we live in the now, not worrying about the future, because instead we're feeling at peace in the moment.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Fear is Not My Higher Power

I thought about writing a really fluffy post but anxiety is roiling in my stomach like a boat sloshing around the sea so this needs to get out and it needs to be shared.

A few weeks ago I wrote, "Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know," and I meant it. I stand by the tools I mentioned and others shared. However, there are some things that bypass rationality and put me in a tailspin. Some things are so deep it doesn't help to bring out my inner warrior, or have compassion for myself, or ask what's the worst that could happen? I guess you would call these my Issues with a capital I. Maybe these are childhood wounds or what I have to work out in this life. For me, one of my issues is security in all its forms -- financially, physically, emotionally. If my security is perceived to be threatened, I might as well be a rabid dog locked in a kennel because ain't no way some soothing words will calm me down.

I spoke to a lovely friend about all this and she said when she's afraid it's a part of her speaking up. Not her whole being mind you, just a little part. She also said there's a belief if she's "afraid enough" all her problems will be solved. Like if only she experienced enough fear, then everything will be OK, or it will motivate her to take some action. Then she said, "I have to remind myself fear is not my higher power, my higher power is my higher power."

This is sometimes how I visualize my higher power.

 I felt instant relief when she said that because I realized I had been making fear my higher power. I was worshipping at the altar of fear believing it could be my salvation. If I felt X level of fear then I would finally feel secure. What kind of backward thinking is that? (Answer: It's not thinking, it's irrational.)

I've written about this a bajillion times but that's because I remember and then I forget. I cruise along the highway of life in my convertible with the wind blowing in my hair and then I hit a pothole that mangles the axial and my car starts to skid, so I panic and start behaving wildly when actually it would be so much better if I were calm and composed.

I have no answer about all this other than to say it's important for me to bring this to God/the universe/higher power for healing. I cannot transform this behavior on my own, I need divine help and wisdom so these days I pray about it:

My creator, I want that you should have all of me, good and bad. Please help me remember fear doesn't serve me. Please help me stay connected to you and remember what the guiding force is in my life. Please help me to trust in you and remember all is well in my world.

I dream of a world where we surrender our fears and ask for transformation instead of clutching onto them like a child with her favorite toy. I dream of a world where we ask for help when we need it, trusting it will be given to us. A world where we remember a power greater than ourselves. A world where we know when we forget, we'll eventually remember.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

What You're Looking for is Looking for You

I had an amazing experience this week. And by amazing I mean synchronous. It was so profound I wanted to share it with y'all. It's completely changed how I view manifesting and the law of attraction.

I'm a huge Doreen Virtue fan because she tells it like it is in a very loving way. She recently appeared on Jaden Sterling's blogtalk radio show to share some insights. One of the things she said is, "As much as you're looking for something or someone, they're looking for you too. Whether it's a soulmate or a job or a home to live in. It's all law of attraction." She recounted a story of how a few weeks ago she created an oracle card deck (kind of like a nicer, gentler version of tarot cards) that her publisher wanted on the market right away.

I love how this image is mirrored.

Typically, it takes an artist a year and a half to paint the 44 pictures needed to accompany the text of the oracle cards. Doreen needed something right away and knew exactly what she wanted. She didn't know the artist's name she just had a picture in her mind of the artwork. She went to her computer and said, "Angels, I need to find this artist but I need her to have 44 images available." Doreen found an artist immediately and sent her a personal email. The artist said she previously had jobs that were really high paying but it had all dried up and she had to work for magazines doing art she didn't enjoy. Last year she made a New Year's resolution that she would never again compromise in her artwork and say no to all jobs unless they involved her true passions. Doreen contacted the artist within 20 days of the New Year with a big job to not only license her artwork but license 44 pieces of her artwork that would give her enough money to survive.

"That's how the universe works," Doreen said.

I enjoyed this story but what really cemented it for me was something that happened later. The same day I heard this story I settled down in my living room to watch a movie that had been sitting on my coffee table for literally a month. Every time I thought about watching the movie previously my lip curled up and I said, "Meh." But that night I felt it was time. I won't tell you the movie because I don’t want to ruin the plot for anyone, but a very tiny piece of what happened is at one point a character in the movie says to another, "You've been looking for me, but for the past year I've been looking for you." I could have cried in that moment. (In fact, because it was an emotional part of the movie I'm sure I did.)

You see, for so long I've felt like I had to do all the work -- I had to do all the visualizing, meditating, and searching. I had to be the one to manifest everything in my life and for the first time it occurred to me manifesting is a two-way street. I'm not alone in this. I don't have to do everything myself and I don't have to worry about missing out on anything because what I'm looking for is looking for me. I can't tell you how much relief that gives me to know my perfect living situation is also seeking me. To know the people I want to work with want to work with me. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside thinking about it.

I dream of a world where we understand what we're searching for is also searching for us. A world where we know the law of attraction and manifestation is a two-way street. A world where we don't feel quite so alone because there are other forces at work. A world where we relax and trust what we need will always come to us.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.