Holy Perfection

I have a confession: I make mistakes. I know, that doesn't seem like much of a confession because everybody makes mistakes, but with the amount of shame and fear that comes up from admitting it, you'd think I killed a man and buried his body in the backyard.

I notice the intensity of shame and fear shifts according to my perception of safety around making a mistake. If I make a mistake and the only person affected is me, for instance, the shame and fear levels are low. If I make a mistake at work, the shame and fear levels are high. The levels spike because my brain starts telling me the story, “I'm going to get fired! I'll be destitute!” In my mind, the only way to stay safe at work or in my relationships is to be perfect. If I'm not perfect, something bad will happen. It's not entirely logical but when are emotions ever logical?

When I typed in "perfection" this is what came up. Photo by Bill Williams on Unsplash.

This week when I made mistakes, I gave myself the basic mothering and fathering messages I learned in therapy: “I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not ever going anywhere. I'll protect you. I'll meet all your needs. Nothing about you will keep me from meeting your needs.” It helped. It also helped reminding myself security doesn't come from other people or an external source. Security comes from me and from higher power. Money for instance doesn't come solely from a job. It can come from an inheritance or the government or whatever. If I lost my job tomorrow, I could borrow money or start a GoFundMe campaign or any number of things.

When I'm stuck in perfectionism, my perspective shrinks and I think in black and white. However, the world is in color and much more nuanced than I remember. When thinking about perfectionism, I was reminded an early definition of perfect is, “Brought to consummation or completeness.” That’s coming from the 1913 Webster’s Writers’ Dictionary. As a one on the Enneagram, I’m all about finding holy perfection, and the practice for me is to remember “perfect” doesn't mean without mistakes, rather, it means completeness.

Completeness ultimately means unification with a power greater than myself, according to my spiritual tradition. I meditate and live my life in such a way that I'm moving closer and closer to a divine entity. I'm trying to unite and merge with something much subtler than I am. When I'm stuck in perfectionism, I lose sight of my journey and instead focus on a snapshot in time. I forget I'm learning and growing. I forget mistakes are an integral part of the process.

Will I still make mistakes? Yes. Will I still beat myself up about them? Probably. But more and more I'm using tools to come out of it, to love myself, and to be in the space of seeing holy perfection.

I dream of a world where we remember in our quest to be perfect, really we want safety, peace of mind, and completeness. A world where we realize we are all moving toward something whole and unified. A world where we remember it's OK to mess up and even perfect in its own way.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Divine Perfection for the Flawed Human

Several years ago, I wrote a post for Quarterlette.com called “Opportunity will beat down your door.” It's a cheery and inspirational post about my move to San Francisco, explaining opportunity doesn't knock once, it will beat down your door. In other words, there are certain things the universe will keep throwing in your face over and over again.

Right now I'm experiencing the shadow side of opportunity beating down my door. For years, the message I've received over and over again is, “You need to rest.” My response was, “By rest, you mean do more, right? You mean I need to try harder?” This week it became clear to me it's time to listen to the message the universe is telling me. I can't keep operating my life at the pace I have been, and instead of doors opening for me, they're closing, forcing me to rest. Not for punishment, not to be mean, but to become more perfect.

Perfect.

That may sound strange, particularly because our conception of perfection at least in the U.S. is without flaws, but that's not what I'm referring to here. Did you know an early definition of perfect is, “Brought to consummation or completeness?” That's coming from the1913 Webster's Writers' Dictionary, by the way. I love this concept for many reasons. The first is I'm a one on the Enneagram, so I'm all about finding holy perfection, but second, the definition relates to my post from last week about moving from the crude to the subtle.

In our move from the crude to the subtle, that means we are all becoming more perfect, not because we then exist without flaws, but because eventually we join with the subtle; we experience merger with the subtle and thus completeness. You probably already know this, but that's exactly what the word “yoga” means – unification.

In Sanskrit, the word yoga has two root verbs. One root verb is “Yuj” and another root verb is “yunj.” “Yuj” means to add, as in two plus two equals four. The other root verb for yoga is “yunj,” and it means to unify. My spiritual teacher gives the example of sugar and water. Adding sugar to water, sugar won't be in a separate form from water – there will only be sugar water, and that's precisely the unification we're all moving toward: supreme sweetness.

Why do I bring this up? For me, it's easy to launch into compare and despair. It's easy for me to look at someone else and say, “Why don't I have what they have? Why doesn't my life look like theirs?” Particularly right now when many areas of my life are not what I'd like them to be, I start thinking I'm cursed. Not really, but it's easy for me to slip into a victim mentality. When I think about yoga, I'm reminded all the things that happen to me, all the things I perceive to be good, and all the things I perceive to be bad, are bringing me closer to the supreme for the purpose of unification. That means the universe will keep sending me the same damn message over and over again because ultimately it's for my benefit.

I dream of a world where we realize all the things that happen to us are in service of divine perfection. A world where we recognize we are moving from the crude to the subtle. A world where we understand we're striving for unification in body, mind, and spirit. A world where we accept what the universe tells us.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Perfection Is Not a Requirement for Love

This post is a bit of a rehash of one I wrote four years ago because I'm noticing perfectionism surfacing once again.

I think if I'm perfect then other people will love me. This is kind of a problem because I'm not perfect. Even more damaging is the fear that if I make a mistake or do something wrong, that love will be taken away from me. That means every time I make a mistake I'm scared I'll be abandoned.

Yikes. That means there's a whole lot of pressure to never make a mistake and always do the right thing. In this context, it makes sense why if I send the wrong email attachment or tell a fib, my freakout is not on par with the event itself because the whole thing becomes much more serious.

Prickly bits make a cactus what it is, perhaps it's the prickly bits that make us human.

I’ve written before about mistakes being the zest of life, which I think is true. I honestly believe mistakes are part of the learning process, and nothing beats the expansive feeling that comes from learning. At the same time, I’ve felt a desire to be perfect right out of the gate. To know everything immediately. To be a star pupil. To be an award-winning writer. To know how to invest my money and become a millionaire. I want to know right now and I want to do it perfectly. Otherwise you won’t love me or continue to love me.

What's interesting is I don't feel the same way about other people. Other people are allowed to be flawed human beings who make mistakes and I love them just the same. But me? Pssst. I hold myself to a different standard.

That's not cool and it also doesn't make much sense because perfection does not guarantee love. I called a perfect show as a stage manager and no one seemed to notice or really care. Even when I do things “perfectly” it doesn’t seem to make a difference. And you know? It never will because perfection is not a requirement for love.

In fact, a friend told me once perfection is scary. When he meets seemingly perfect women, he's intimidated because he can't relate to them. It's our flaws that make us likable because it's just as C.S. Lewis said: “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'”

People will never love me more because I’m an all-star or never do anything wrong. People love me for who I am, not because I never make mistakes. I am allowed to send the wrong email attachment because there is no inverse relationship between the mistakes I make and how much I’m loved. I can be, and am, loved no matter what. I already know that's true for others and it's time to make it true for me.

I dream of a world where we realize love is associated with who we're being, not what we're doing. A world where we experience unconditional love all the time. A world where we allow ourselves to make mistakes because we know love will still be there. A world where we let go of our outdated beliefs and ideas because they no longer serve us. A world where we know perfection is not a requirement for love.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.