Last night I told a friend I go through a big transformation every four years. It's been four years since I moved to San Francisco so that means I'm going through another transformation. I've been kidding myself, resisting this change, and fooling myself into believing I just need to find a new place to live and then everything will be settled. In truth, everything will not be settled because it's not about a new place to live. It's not about more money. It's not about any of the million things I can "fix." I am in a transition.
The title of this post is the in-betweens because that's exactly where I am. In between one place and another. Quite literally actually because I'm writing this from a housesitting gig. I am flying through the air, in between one landing pad and another. I know all of this is a little vague, but in essence, I'm at a point where all I have is faith because there is nothing solid beneath me. There is no absolute "this is going to happen" or "here follow this plan." I hadn't realized how big of a change this was going to be. I thought my next transformation would be marriage and babies. Not "where am I living, what am I doing, how am I making money?"
The beauty in all this though is the in-betweens are the place where the magic happens. Where the growth happens. Where all my spiritual lessons are being put to the test. How much faith do I really have that everything will work out? How much faith do I have that I'll get through this murky period where I'm not sure which way is up? How much faith do I have that I'll sprout wings? Because that's what happens in the in-betweens: we're no longer on land so we have to use our wings. My wings are a little rusty. I haven't had to use them in four years so I've forgotten how to fly.
What's really funny is people keep reflecting back things that I've said and heck, things that I've written. How my higher power hasn't abandoned me, how I need to keep a positive attitude, how I need to stay in the moment. You all got to see all of that reflected in Just a Girl from Kansas and now I'm reliving it. Seriously. I've moved twice in the past six months and I'm poised to move again. I've already housesat three times at least and I'm scheduled for a few more. This year is an echo of 2012. Am I freaking out? Yes I am. But today it hit me so clearly, "This is a transition. This is an in-between. I cannot escape this as much as I'd like to try." Somehow knowing this is my process, knowing every four years I will have a period like this, where the universe plucks me out of my comfort zone and drops me into something new, makes it easier to swallow. It doesn't have to be such a scary thing, this not-knowing. Instead it's faith 2.0. I have to lean into my higher power and see what develops.
My life has felt like it's been crumbling because I've had to move so much and my financial situation is not what I would like. But now I see that my life isn't crumbling so much as breaking open. It's not as if there's one major change in my life and that's it. I will have many, many more periods like this where I don't really understand what's going on or what direction my life is taking. But that's OK. I can enjoy the ride and enjoy this in-between moment where I feel the wind in my hair and the freedom around me. It's these in-between moments where I get to feel really alive because I'm not tied down to anything.
A friend reminded me I've experienced multiple periods of grace, where everything flowed together. Today I acknowledged as an addict I want to feel that grace all the time, and if I don't I think something is wrong. But really if I experienced that grace once I'll experience it again. I haven't been abandoned or forsaken. I haven't been forgotten about. I'm in the in-betweens where land is far below and it's my job to keep pumping my wings.
I dream of a world where we understand life won't always look the way we want it to. A world where we acknowledge there are periods of transitions we each have to go through and instead of being scary they can be fun. A world where we trust the process and acknowledge when life seems to be crumbling around us, really we're probably in the in-betweens.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.