Coming to Light

Right now, all over the world people are celebrating Diipavali or Diwali, a festival of lights that symbolizes the spiritual victory of light over darkness, good over evil, and knowledge over ignorance. There’s something interesting for me about how Diipavali is coinciding with the fires in California. I know October is a dry month for California so it’s no surprise my beloved state is on fire, but there’s something especially poignant about the timing of it all.

What I mean is it’s coming to light, pun intended, that Pacific Gas and Electric, the utility company in northern California, is responsible for the blazes raging both currently and last year. Last year an entire town, Paradise, burned to the ground due to PG&E’s negligence, and prompted the company to file for bankruptcy. The utility company has known about the trouble with its equipment for decades and didn’t upgrade it. It’s only now that we can pin the blame squarely on PG&E’s shoulders that something is being done about it.

One candle may kindle another to drive out darkness. Photo by Nishta Sharma on Unsplash

What I’m seeing over and over again is corruption floating to the surface. Secrets are emerging, we’re shining a spotlight in the dark corners, and watching cockroaches scuttle away. Not only with PG&E, but with the impeachment inquiry as well. Shady practices that Trump engaged in are emerging and the majority of us are saying, “No. This is not OK.”

However, unlike with Diipavali where good has triumphed over evil, I don’t think we’re there yet. Instead, we’re in the day before Diipavali, metaphorically speaking. The day before the festival is supposed to be the darkest day of the year when it seems like light will never win. It’s a question I’ve been asking myself lately. I cannot express how angry I am at PG&E, as well as the behavior of corrupt politicians and CEOs. I want to shake everyone by the shoulders and say, “No, no, no! You can’t do this!”

I’m pretty sure I’m not alone here. I notice a swell of anger and frustration erupting but where is it supposed to go? What are we supposed to do? Some are taking to the streets. Others are writing petitions or conversing with elected officials. I’m doing the same but it doesn’t feel like enough. And then I think about Diipavali. The word comes from dīpa, which means lamp or light, and āvali, which means a row, a range, continuous line, series. Essentially a lot of little lights can conquer darkness. One by one by one our actions add up to something bright and Diipavali reminds me of that.

I dream of a world where we have faith light drives out darkness. A world where we believe good conquers evil. A world where we remember our little actions coalesce into something bigger than us and creates a better world for all of us.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Looking for Mirrors

The other day I noticed an Instagram influencer with millions of followers and she has messages like: "This is where your excuses come to die" and "Don't let anything stop you." I started wondering, why are these messages so popular? Why does this woman have so many followers? And then it occurred to me, we're all looking for mirrors, metaphorically speaking.

What I mean is we seek people, situations, experiences, perspectives, etc. that reflect our insides in order to feel safe. If I think I'm a piece of crap and completely unlovable, then I'll be in relationship with people who convey those messages to me through words and actions. If I believe I'm amazing, then I'll be in relationship with people who convey those messages to me through words and actions.

We want our outsides to match our insides. Photo by Ashim D’Silva on Unsplash

What does this have to do with safety? If something doesn't fit into our worldview, it's threatening. To go back to my earlier example, if I think I'm a piece of crap, having someone tell me otherwise will lead to suspicion. "What's wrong with this person if they think I'm great?" or another common thought is, "If they only knew the real me, they wouldn't believe I'm so great." Eventually I'd stop hanging out with that person because hearing I'm awesome would be too triggering. It would then be easy to think my relationships are so terrible because other people are the problem, when in reality the world is merely reflecting what I'm projecting.

Why am I bringing this up? I'm bringing it up because it's easy to believe life is better when something external changes, and that's true, the external is important, but how many of us are working on our insides? How many of us recognize the connection between our inner world and our outer world?

According to the spiritual philosophy I align with, everything is a thought projection of Cosmic Consciousness. That means nothing is external and everything is internal. It then follows how and why the same is true for the individual -- that my internal world gets reflected externally. I understand not everyone will jive with that philosophy, and that's fine. The point I'm trying to make -- and perhaps awkwardly because I'm still sick -- is that there's no difference between the internal and external. What we feel, we project and we seek out. We are all looking for mirrors.

I dream of a world where we understand in order to change our experience of the world we must change our internal reality. A world where we realize oftentimes the external won't change until the internal does. A world where we realize we are all looking for mirrors.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Seeing What Is

I'm sick right now and didn't feel well enough to write a new post or record any audio. The post that came to mind to recycle is from my birthday nearly six years ago. Enjoy! And just in case it wasn't clear, I'm grateful for you. <3 em="">

Today is my 29th birthday, that is, if you're reading this on December 1st. It's been a less than stellar day because I had to work from 8:30 to 4:30, I'm still experiencing pain from the car accident, and I'm not having a big party. Suffice to say, today has not turned out the way I expected. The challenge for me is to find the good in what is.

I think we all have expectations of certain days -- birthdays, holidays, graduation, first dates, etc. -- and when those expectations aren't met we're left feeling disappointed. I know I am. However, even though today hasn't gone the way I'd hoped and I'm not feeling the buzz I normally do on my birthday, there's been a lot of good about today too. I've received numerous telephone calls, text messages, and facebook posts from friends near and far wishing me well. My mom is at this moment making me a delicious dinner. There's a lot of love for me in this world and today is the day I get to bask in it.

It's my birthday! Here are some pretty cupcakes. 

What's awesome is I spoke to a friend on the phone and I mentioned that if I was in Chicago like I normally am at this time of year to cover a conference, I'd still be celebrating my birthday with family because my sister lives there. Hearing myself say that I was taken aback because I'm so lucky, I'm so loved, I have a lot of community all over the world, which is amazing.

I'm telling you all this not to brag, but because I'm sincerely grateful. Sometimes gratitude becomes dry as I reel off all the things I'm grateful for like heat and food and a roof over my head because I list those things every day. If something occurs every day it becomes mundane, ordinary, common -- at least it does for me. So when something doesn't go the way I expect, it's even more important for me to find the good about what is. What's good about the here and now? What's true? When I do that I can genuinely pull the feeling of gratitude into my heart because I am grateful for my friends and family, I am grateful so many people are wishing me happy birthday, and I am grateful I chose to come into this world on this day. Thank you for being with me on my journey.

I dream of a world where even in sucky situations we can find something good about what is. A world where we all feel genuinely grateful for something. A world where we not only accept what is, but we find something positive about it.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Choosing faith

It's no secret I'm not doing all that well. Applying for jobs is one of the most demoralizing things a person can do, in my opinion. It's really getting to me. Not in the sense that I'm questioning my own worth and merit -- I know I'm talented and I'm clear I'd be an asset to any company. What's getting to me is the uncertainty. The question mark of when this will all be over.

People keep telling me, "You'll get a job," but no one can say, "You'll get a job in the next month" because nobody knows. It's hard to keep putting in effort without seeing payoff. The amount of effort I'm making doesn't translate into results. It's not like going to the gym after a couple of weeks and starting to see muscle definition. No. Instead the job thing is more random and haphazard, which is the opposite of my preference. What am I supposed to do here, other than what I already am, which is applying for jobs, writing cover letters, asking for help, networking, etc.? After much struggle, the answer I came to is: Have faith.

This is what faith is like for me -- light in the darkness. Photo by Josh Boot on Unsplash. 

"Having faith" is difficult for me. It's such a trite phrase we throw around but what does it actually mean? This weekend I realized I expect faith to be rational. I want it to be scientific and evidence-based. I want proof before I'll believe. Not getting any interviews right now? Then why should I believe I will in the future? This cautionary sort of faith and trust in my higher power is not working for me. It's sinking me into a depression, a place where hope disintegrates. It's pessimistic and it's dark. But here's the thing about faith: it's not rational or scientific or evidence-based. Faith is the opposite of all those things. It's belief without proof. That's not just my definition; the dictionary defines faith in the same way.

What does that mean for me? It means I have to actively, consciously, choose to believe my life will change, that I'll have a steady job again. It means I have to choose to put my trust in the universe that things will get better for me. It means I have to fight against pessimism and hold fast to something else, which is also a part of the meditation I practice.

A Sanskrit phrase for meditation is Iishvara prańidhána, or seeking shelter in the Supreme. My spiritual teacher says, "Iishvara prańidhána also implies implicit faith in [the divine] irrespective of whether one lives in momentary happiness or sorrow, prosperity or adversity."

Easier said than done my friends. Easier said than done. I don't live in implicit faith, obviously, but the alternative is becoming too painful. My way isn't working so it's time to try something new. For me that means choosing faith. It's scary and uncomfortable and doesn't feel at all rational, but it's not supposed to. That's what faith is -- belief without proof. And right now, faith is what's getting me through.

I dream of a world where we choose faith even when it seems ridiculous, even when our rational brain says we shouldn't. A world where we put our trust in something greater than ourselves. A world where we understand faith isn't a passive thing but instead something active and conscious. A world where faith is what sees us through.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.