Seeing What Is

I'm sick right now and didn't feel well enough to write a new post or record any audio. The post that came to mind to recycle is from my birthday nearly six years ago. Enjoy! And just in case it wasn't clear, I'm grateful for you. <3 em="">

Today is my 29th birthday, that is, if you're reading this on December 1st. It's been a less than stellar day because I had to work from 8:30 to 4:30, I'm still experiencing pain from the car accident, and I'm not having a big party. Suffice to say, today has not turned out the way I expected. The challenge for me is to find the good in what is.

I think we all have expectations of certain days -- birthdays, holidays, graduation, first dates, etc. -- and when those expectations aren't met we're left feeling disappointed. I know I am. However, even though today hasn't gone the way I'd hoped and I'm not feeling the buzz I normally do on my birthday, there's been a lot of good about today too. I've received numerous telephone calls, text messages, and facebook posts from friends near and far wishing me well. My mom is at this moment making me a delicious dinner. There's a lot of love for me in this world and today is the day I get to bask in it.

It's my birthday! Here are some pretty cupcakes. 

What's awesome is I spoke to a friend on the phone and I mentioned that if I was in Chicago like I normally am at this time of year to cover a conference, I'd still be celebrating my birthday with family because my sister lives there. Hearing myself say that I was taken aback because I'm so lucky, I'm so loved, I have a lot of community all over the world, which is amazing.

I'm telling you all this not to brag, but because I'm sincerely grateful. Sometimes gratitude becomes dry as I reel off all the things I'm grateful for like heat and food and a roof over my head because I list those things every day. If something occurs every day it becomes mundane, ordinary, common -- at least it does for me. So when something doesn't go the way I expect, it's even more important for me to find the good about what is. What's good about the here and now? What's true? When I do that I can genuinely pull the feeling of gratitude into my heart because I am grateful for my friends and family, I am grateful so many people are wishing me happy birthday, and I am grateful I chose to come into this world on this day. Thank you for being with me on my journey.

I dream of a world where even in sucky situations we can find something good about what is. A world where we all feel genuinely grateful for something. A world where we not only accept what is, but we find something positive about it.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Gratitude and Mourning

This Valentine's Day marks 10 years since I moved to California. I can't believe it's been that long – five years I could believe, but 10? That's almost a third of my life. I'm grateful I made the decision to move here, I'm grateful for my life here, my friends here, my community here, but also I'm sad.

I'm not sad about the decision, because like I said, I love California. California is home. I'm sad I'm not 23 anymore. I don't want to go back in time and relive 23 because I was scared, anxious, and insecure much of the time, but in other ways I miss who I was. I miss how excited I felt, how enthusiastic I was. I miss the newness of the world around me. I know I'm still young and I'll still experience new things, but now I have a point of reference. When I travel to new countries, they remind me of other countries. When I try a new restaurant, it reminds me of another restaurant. As I get older, even new things are slightly familiar.

I feel grateful and I feel sad. Photo by Sweet Ice Cream Photography on Unsplash. 

Really what's happening here is I'm grieving the old me. Celebrating my anniversary reminds me of who I used to be and who I am now. The gap is large, in a good way, but it's still a gap. Through my work in therapy, I’m learning it’s important to grieve for my old selves. To feel a sense of loss for the person I once was and can no longer be. The sadness exists and doesn’t go away through any rationalization on my part, nor any amount of looking on the bright side. Mourning the old me reminds me of a quote from my spiritual teacher.

He said, “Death is nothing but change. A 5-year-old child is transformed in due course into a 15-year-old boy. In 10 years, the child becomes the boy. Thereafter, you will never be able to find the body of the 5-year-old child. So the child’s body has certainly died.” He then goes on to mention the boy growing into a man, and then hitting middle age, then old age, until he finally dies and says, “The rest of the changes we do not call death; but in fact, all the changes qualify as death.”

That means my 23-year-old died and it’s important for me to honor and say goodbye to her, just as it’s important for me to honor and say goodbye to other people when they die. And that's what it feels like today, that I'm saying goodbye to the 23-year-old me. I'm remembering what I liked about her and what I disliked, and I feel sad. A little voice in my head is saying, “It's almost Valentine's Day! You should be writing about love and happy things! No one wants to read a depressing post!” That may be true, but also in multiple conversations with people they told me they felt like they had to be happy and upbeat in order to talk with me and I said, “No you don't. You get to be whoever you are. I don't mind if you're happy or sad. Either way is fine by me,” and I meant it. And I mean it for me, too.

As we approach Valentine's Day, I hope you will also let yourself feel sad if sadness arises. I hope that you will grieve old selves and old loves if that bubbles up. I also hope you know that doesn't diminish the good things in your life, or take away how grateful you are for changes. All changes are deaths and all deaths need mourning.

I dream of a world where we mourn our losses. A world where we let ourselves feel how we feel with love and acceptance. A world where we recognize we can feel sad about the past and grateful for the present at the same time.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Don't Peer Too Far

“Do not set your eyes on things far off.” - Pythian Odes

I've had at least four people mention to me some iteration of, “What are the gifts where you are?” so it seemed like a good post to write today.

I am deeply unhappy about a few things in my life. There are a few things I want to change and they aren't changing fast enough, darnit. It's easy for me to peer ahead, to fantasize about the future, and then get frustrated when the future is not my present reality. I've had so much resentment this week about that and accordingly, people keep asking me to practice gratitude for where I am.

Don't peer too far ahead.

It didn't go well because I don't want to practice gratitude for where I am. I don't want to see the gifts from my current situation. I'd much rather live in the imagined future where my dreams have come true, thank you very much. But here's the icky thing: I'm not there. As much as I want to be, do, or have something else, that's not this present moment. And because I don't enjoy this present moment, it means my compulsions have kicked up. I keep checking facebook, email, and instagram to pull me from the here and now because I'm not enjoying the here and now.

As you can imagine, my compulsions haven't solved anything either.

I experienced a shift when I asked myself, “What if I viewed this situation as temporary? What if I knew it would end?” Somehow that made all the difference. For me, whatever I'm experiencing now, I think I'll experience forever. It's hard for me to keep in mind this too shall pass, and it's the notion there isn't an endpoint that causes me so much distress. When I know there's an endpoint though, everything becomes more bearable. And when I know there's an endpoint, I can start to see the gifts of my current situation. I view things differently and understand this is a period where I'm being given the opportunity to cultivate whatever, fill in the blank, and I get myself back to a place of gratitude.

I know this is a vague post but that's because I'm not ready to discuss the specifics in a public forum, but I think the lesson is a good one. How often do we view our present situation as interminable? How often do we think the way things are will be the way things continue? It's helpful for me not to say to myself, “This too shall pass,” because, great, glad to know maybe when I'm 95 this will pass, but instead to affirm this has an endpoint because it does. When I know there's an endpoint, I can quit asking, “When will this be over?” Staying present can be difficult sometimes, but maybe if we knew there will be an end, staying present would be easier.

I dream of a world where we're able to focus on the here and now, even if we don't like it. A world where we understand all things are temporary. A world where we do our best to stay present because we understand each experience or period has something for us to mine.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Santosha, or Contentment

In yoga there is a concept of santosha, or contentment that I’ve always struggled with. I am rarely content with what I have and am usually focused on what’s next as opposed to what is. This week I had two interactions that brought some perspective.

When I flew back to the West Coast a couple of Saturdays ago, I started chatting with the guy next to me. I asked him if he liked where he lived and the answer was, “No.” When I asked him why he’s lived there so long he said because of his job. In that moment, I felt a swell of gratitude and contentment.

So, I know I'm inferring some things, but this guy sure looks content! 

My gypsy lifestyle is not without its challenges (hello moving more times than years I’ve been alive), but the one thing I will say is if I’m unhappy in a place I’ll move. I’d much rather take a chance on an uncertain future than a discontented secure one. I love that about myself. I appreciate the fact I’m willing to take a risk, to do the scary thing, in the hopes it will pay off.

In this same conversation, my seatmate asked me if I traveled much. My curt reply was, “Yes.” It got me thinking about all the places I’ve been lucky enough to see in my life. Usually I’m comparing myself with others and coming up short. I’ll think to myself, “Yeah, I’ve traveled a lot, but I haven’t traveled as much as so-and-so,” or, “Yeah, but I haven’t been to _____.” I’m constantly striving ahead instead of being content with what I have. In that reflective plane ride, I felt appreciation for the places I’ve seen, and the places I’ve lived.

A few days after I arrived, I got my haircut. The hairdresser started telling me about her life and I was again amazed to hear about someone’s life that is so different from mine. She’s 23 and has never lived anywhere else. She’s barely left the state. She also told me about her sister, who is close to my age, and has the sort of life I thought I would have at 30: married, owns a house, possibly babies in the future. Her sister also hasn’t left the state or lived anywhere else. In that moment, I peeked into the life of someone else and found that in fact I am content with my own.

What I am getting at here, perhaps poorly, is that so often I look at what I don’t have, how my life doesn’t look the way I think it should, and I forget to remember what’s great about it. And I don’t mean the things we’re all grateful for – a place to sleep, enough to eat, great friends – I mean the character traits I possess, the way I choose to live my life. I see possibilities of other ways of being and I feel content because despite everything, life is pretty good.

I dream of a world where we’re all able to cultivate contentment for ourselves. A world where we want what we already have. A world where we take the time to pause and congratulate ourselves for what we’re doing right. A world where we have santosha.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Help is Provided

I have some news. I’m moving! Not just talking about it, but actually moving at the end of this month. (Yay!) Moving is one of the most stressful things a person can experience, right under death of a loved one and a divorce, apparently. Needless to say, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed because on top of my already super-busy life, I have to add packing to the mix. One of the most beautiful, miraculous things coming out of this is people are offering to help me.

People are coming out of the woodwork to offer help moving or driving or picking up boxes. It’s been amazing because I often don’t know who to ask or even what to ask much of the time. To have someone say to me, “Oh, you can forward Craigslist ads of scooters to me to help you figure out what to buy,” is such a relief. To have someone say, “I’ll help you bring a load of stuff to your new place,” makes me want to weep with gratitude.

When I saw this picture I couldn't resist using it. How cute is this?!?

I’m a very independent person. I like to do things by myself and I pride myself on being able to accomplish things on my own. When people want to help me it’s almost shocking because it’s a reminder I’m not alone, I’m not an island, I exist in a community, and furthermore, people want to help me.

That’s hard for me to remember because my first reaction is often, “I need to take care of this myself,” or “I need to figure this out.” I forget I’m not supposed to have all the answers and be a completely autonomous being. Other people have skills and assets I do not and that’s why I ask for help! There’s something particularly sweet though about not even asking and instead people offering. It feels like an extra special gift that someone wants to show up in my life in that way. It’s touching.

This is a rambly post but that’s because I’m super tired. Mostly, I want to express my gratitude for the people in my life who are offering to help me, for showing up in that way, because it means a lot. This is also my way of saying, offer help when you can because it will probably mean a lot to the person to whom you are offering. It shows a level of care and service that reminds me of the goodness in humanity.

I dream of a world where we offer help when we can. A world where we see all the ways that help is provided to us. A world where we remember we don’t have to do everything by ourselves, but that there are people waiting to help us. A world where we show we care for each other by being helpful.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Plan for Joy

A few weeks ago I listened to a radio show by Radleigh Valentine and he said on average people laugh 15 times a day. Fifteen times! And then he asked, “Do you remember if you laughed at all yesterday?” He pointed out it’s easy to remember the unpleasant things – the times we’re sad or scared or anxious – but the joyful times, the laughing times, are easier to forget. He encouraged his listeners to take note of when they laugh, to see if it adds up to 15 times. And then he said something really interesting: Plan for joy.

Radleigh does angel tarot and he suggested printing out this card as a reminder to plan for joy.

 When he said, “Plan for joy” I wanted to pause his radio show so I could take that in. It hasn’t occurred to me lately I would need to plan for joy – I assumed joy would sort of happen if I bumbled around in my life. But you know? That’s not true – I mean, sure, I stumble across joy every once and a while like an adventurer coming into a clearing – but it wasn’t necessarily something I planned for. I assumed I’d experience joy once my life was peachy keen – when my financial situation improved, the love of my life came along, etc. I think you know this already, but joy is the quiet moments, the small events that we may not remember long after they happen. It’s having a friend call you up spontaneously asking to hang out. It’s laughing along with a television show. It’s finding out the book you put on hold at the library has become available.

Joy can be spontaneous but it can also be planned and that’s what struck me the most about Radleigh’s show. In an interesting juxtaposition, I had a powerful therapy session this week. I went from fearful, anxious, and insecure in one moment to laughing, goofy, and joyful in the next. My therapist had me remember a moment I felt joyful, loved, appreciated and embody it. Notice what colors I associated with the experience and then she asked me if a movement or sound accompanied it. It did – joy for me looks like strutting with my toes flexed and my heels out singing along to “Let’s go fly a kite” or Life of Brian’s “Always look on the bright side of life.”

What amazes me is no matter how icky I feel, strutting around my cottage and singing “Always look on the bright side of life,” automatically puts a smile on my face and lifts my mood. I can be melodramatic and get caught up in what’s wrong with my life. Lately, like I wrote on my birthday, I’m noticing what’s right. I’m seeking joy even in the midst of the things I do not like. And I’m remembering joy is not winning the lottery or buying a new car, it’s humming to myself while I walk, it’s remembering all the times I laughed yesterday, it’s making an active effort to improve my mood because I am planning for joy.

I dream of a world where we remember we can access joy at any time. A world where we all have that one song that brings a smile to our face. A world where we remember the times we laugh. A world where we not only experience joy, but we plan for it.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

The "What is"

Today is my 29th birthday, that is, if you're reading this on December 1st. It's been a less than stellar day because I had to work from 8:30 to 4:30, I'm still experiencing pain from the car accident, and I'm not having a big party. Suffice to say, today has not turned out the way I expected. The challenge for me is to find the good in what is.

I think we all have expectations of certain days -- birthdays, holidays, graduation, first dates, etc. -- and when those expectations aren't met we're left feeling disappointed. I know I am. However, even though today hasn't gone the way I'd hoped and I'm not feeling the buzz I normally do on my birthday, there's been a lot of good about today too. I've received numerous telephone calls, text messages, and facebook posts from friends near and far wishing me well. My mom is at this moment making me a delicious dinner. There's a lot of love for me in this world and today is the day I get to bask in it.

It's my birthday! Here are some pretty cupcakes.  

What's awesome is I spoke to a friend on the phone and I mentioned that if I was in Chicago like I normally am at this time of year to cover a conference, I'd still be celebrating my birthday with family because my sister lives there. Hearing myself say that I was taken aback because I'm so lucky, I'm so loved, I have a lot of community all over the world, which is amazing.

I'm telling you all this not to brag, but because I'm sincerely grateful. Sometimes gratitude becomes dry as I reel off all the things I'm grateful for like heat and food and a roof over my head because I list those things every day. If something occurs every day it becomes mundane, ordinary, common -- at least it does for me. So when something doesn't go the way I expect, it's even more important for me to find the good about what is. What's good about the here and now? What's true? When I do that I can genuinely pull the feeling of gratitude into my heart because I am grateful for my friends and family, I am grateful so many people are wishing me happy birthday, and I am grateful I chose to come into this world on this day. Thank you for being with me on my journey.

I dream of a world where even in sucky situations we can find something good about what is. A world where we all feel genuinely grateful for something. A world where we not only accept what is, but we find something positive about it.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Seeing Through the Eyes of Love

I'm reading Doreen Virtue's Solomon's Angels and the main character is speaking to Archangel Michael and he says:

"Every moment around the world, there are thousands of examples of love," Michael said to me. "You are watching it in action right now, which is the most powerful demonstration of the Divine energies. The more you notice and practice love in action, the more you will enjoy the dynamic flow of your life." -- Doreen Virtue. Solomon's Angels: A Novel (pp. 178-179). Kindle Edition.

Last night as I read that sentence I put the book down (or my computer as it were) and thought about all the instances of love in my life. And I don't mean how my parents love me or how pets love me. I started to see all my life circumstances through eyes of love so they can be healed. It's been very challenging for me to let go of the bitterness in my heart about the events of this past year, and last night I started to crack that façade and start seeing through the eyes of love instead.

Seeing through the eyes of love!

I left my beloved apartment on Post Street so I could be safe. I moved into a sublet in the Mission district so I could meet M, who is my human local connection to Judaism (such as it is). Because as much as I don't understand it, I have a deep love for some of the practices and I enjoy celebrating the Jewish New Year. And I wouldn't have met him if I hadn't left Post Street.

I am so very, very appreciative of how all this drama with my housing has led me to become closer to my community. How I bonded with K while painting my room in the Mission. How I got much closer to S and L because I didn't ever want to be home. How I was able to spend time with A and his wife. I don't think any of that would have happened if I'd been in my bubble on Post Street hibernating. I guess that's also what this has been about. Coming out of my shell and being more in the world. My friend B says higher power sends me places. She may be right because I've certainly been sent out in the world!

I see with eyes of love this lack of sleep and physical problems because the truth is they've been out of whack for years and because I'm melodramatic, it takes something really huge to get my attention and force me to change, and now I am.

I'm grateful for the apartment I just moved out of because it showed me it's really important to have good neighbors. How I can't tolerate living somewhere with lower or negative energy. And how it's important for me to not settle for anything. To always, always follow what makes my heart sing and not give into my fears no matter the circumstances.

I'm also grateful for that apartment I just left because it's led me here, and this is such a sweet setup. No rent, a pool, gorgeous Arizona, and gift cards for food as well as gas and use of the car. All my needs are met in abundance. I had to go through hell to get here but I think it was worth it.

I'm even grateful for the break in a few months ago because my need to feel safe/protect others and worry about their safety has been a lingering issue. I'm grateful it happened so the issue could finally be healed as I realize I'm not responsible for anyone else.

I'm seeing all of these situations with a much broader perspective. I'm seeing them as a perhaps a loving higher power would. And because I am, it all becomes easier to deal with. I can see the good in the bad and understand there is love behind it all.

I dream of a world where we all see with the eyes of love. A world where we find the benefit in all the things we go through, even the "bad" stuff. A world where we truly believe everything happens for a reason in our best interest. A world where we notice all the love and thus amplify it.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Seeing What is Given

This week I experienced a huge shift in my perspective. I’ve been in a space of focusing on what I want – and lamenting that I don’t have it – instead of seeing what has been given to me. I think I’ve already mentioned for years I’ve been a bit, er, obsessed with being in a relationship. I did make peace with the fact I’m single, and may be single for the rest of my life, but that hasn’t slackened my wanting any less.

Last night I finally felt gratitude for being single. I have some hang ups and I finally realized what a blessing it is that I’m being given the space to work on those hang ups without anyone else around. I don’t have to deal with my issues while also trying to navigate the dynamics of involving myself with someone else. I see how much easier it is to heal my wounds now that I’m alone. Instead of focusing on my “want” I’m instead seeing what has been given to me – a great opportunity.

Everything can be viewed as a blessing or a curse.

In the same vein, I’ve been dreaming of the day I can stop writing about things I don’t particular care about and instead make money from my publishing company Inspirí Press and my book Just a Girl from Kansas. If you’ve met me in person it’s quite likely you’ve heard me grumbling. On Tuesday I came home at 9 p.m. and still had to finish up an article for work. As I sat down at my desk, peace descended upon me as I began to write. Writing is what I was born to do. I finally realized what a blessing it is that I have the job I do. I get to work from home, as a writer, and honestly it’s not that difficult. I mean, it is and it isn’t. Writing is a skill so it doesn’t take me much effort to crank out an article. I understood I get paid to do something that’s fairly easy for me. I don’t have to stretch my limits everyday to do something I don’t fully understand. I don’t have to labor in a factory line. I don’t have to deal with snotty customers. I finally see what has been given to me.

I guess I’m taking gratitude a step further. I’m starting to cultivate an attitude of gratitude not only for the things everyone is grateful for – friends, a place to sleep, food to eat, etc. – but also for the things I used to dislike. I’m in the mindset of understanding everything is a blessing – even the things at first glance I thought were a curse. And that is a miracle.

I dream of a world where we look at what is being given to us. A world where we find the good even if at first glance we think it’s bad. A world where we feel grateful for all that’s given to us because we understand it all boils down to a shift in perspective. A world where instead of focusing only on what we want, we see what has been given.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

The Beauty of Life

Sometimes I'm too verbal and I need to turn off my brain and engage my senses. I thought it might be nice on this momentous day (I mean how often do Passover, Easter, AND a full moon coalesce?) to revel in the beauty of Earth and to remind ourselves to stay present.



I don't know about you, but this video shows me things aren't as gloomy and depressing as they seem. It shows me another world is not only possible, it's probable.

The Next Economy

What I am sooooo excited about is the “next” economy or the “gift” economy. I was introduced to the concept of a gift economy by Dr. Aumatma Shah, who runs a holistic health care clinic in Oakland called the Karma Clinic. In essence, she offers her naturopathic services as a gift, only charging for remedies and supplements. It’s not free though, it’s a gift, there’s an important distinction. The energy inherent in “free” is take. The energy inherent in “gift” is, “This is an act of love and service.” Dr. Shah explicitly says in order to heal it’s important to give away what has been given. One cannot hold on tightly to the gift because the energy stops there with them. Does that make sense? It’s like what I wrote about a few months ago when because of the generosity I’d been shown re: my kickstarter campaign I felt like being generous myself. The gift doesn’t have to be money, it can be anything.

The reason I love the next economy or the gift economy so much is because it’s based on these four principles:

• Moving from transaction to trust,
• Consumption to contribution,
• Isolation to community,
• And scarcity to abundance.

Wow! Talk about my ideal world! Some people may scoff and say it will never work, but let me tell you, it does. My business coach, a big proponent of the next economy, said he’s not going to charge me for his expertise because we’re friends and he wants to be of service and help me be of service. Instead, he wants me to help out when and where I can. Let me tell you, when he said that to me a big weight lifted off my chest because I’m not in a position at the moment to pay him. What I love so much about this economy model is it emphasizes our relationships and not material goods. I’ve been receiving so many instances of this lately, not just with my naturopath and business coach, but my friend who’s a photographer. I had some pictures taken of me at the beginning of the year but I feel so radically different I want new author photos. And my professional photographer friend said he’ll take them free of charge and to buy him dinner or something. Huzzah!

What gets to me is the kindness that has been shown to me. That there are so many people who are willing to help me, who understand money is not everything, and really live that way. It’s truly a gift to be surrounded by so many loving, talented people who are willing to share their services with the world. In my business coach’s blog he sums up the next economy thusly:

"Human enterprises will be designed in service to all human needs while benefiting the earth and all life. The goal of doing business in the next economy is to be of service to life while doing what you love – finding 'work' so full of joy and purpose you cannot really call it work."

That is precisely what I want and I’m incredibly inspired because I’m seeing evidence of it around me. People who are knowingly and unknowingly incorporating service into their business. People who understand our work lives and our personal lives shouldn’t be so radically different, because after all, we’re still people and deserve to be treated that way.

I dream of a world where we give what we’ve been given. A world where we conduct business with kindness, generosity, and love. A world where we take care of each other and focus on the infinite possibilities life has to offer. A world where we value relationships and respect each other. A world where we understand there doesn’t need to be a “business as usual” because there can be a new way of doing business.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Generosity of Spirit

This week I’ve been amazed by the generosity of spirit my book Just a Girl From Kansas has received. (For those of you who don’t know, I started a kickstarter campaign to raise the funds so I can professionally edit, design, and lay out the book.) I am so touched by just how much people have donated to the project. It’s only been five days and we already have more than $1,400. I’ve opened my inbox day after day and found donations ranging anywhere from $5 to $150.

This experience has shown me people are kind and generous. That they want to support friends and strangers. That we don’t live in a world where we pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps because there are so many people ready and willing to lend their support. That support, that generosity, is a precious gift and it tends to create more of it.

On Saturday I had to add money to my transit card and shuffling around the fare machine was a disheveled man asking for change so he could get to South Hayward, a stop in the East Bay. I get asked for money all the time because, well, I live in downtown San Francisco, and normally I hand out food. But this man requested something so specific, and I felt so grateful for all the generosity I’ve experienced thus far, that I said to the man, “I won’t give you the money but I’ll buy you a ticket.” At first I was startled at my response but a split second later, I realized, “Yeah, that’s exactly what I want to do.” I didn’t want to give him money in case his request was a ruse to buy drugs so I bought the ticket myself. I know the $4.90 I spent is nothing compared to the $5,000 I’m asking of others, but the sentiment is the same.

In this moment I’m at a loss for words, but what it comes down to is I’m so grateful. Grateful people are donating. Grateful people are willing to support this project, my heart and soul’s work. Grateful I don’t have to do it alone. That’s the biggest one. I’m grateful I don’t have to be the one to come up with the cash. I’m grateful I’m not the one who has to figure it out, or sell my worldly possessions, or win the lottery. Because the support is there for me. And not just for me, for everyone. The universe loves and supports us and the way that happens is through other people. Other people will show up in our lives to give and that in turn prompts us to do the same. I’m not alone in this world. I’m walking along with other people who are helping to carry my load, and I theirs. All together we make our burdens a little lighter and that is mostly what touches my heart.

I dream of a world where we continue to support one another. A world where we continue to be generous with our time, money, and skills. A world where help those around us because we know many hands make light work. A world where we allow the universe to support and love us in the guise of other people.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Perspective is a Choice

I’ve heard before I can choose how I feel so I interpreted that to mean I can feel happy all the time. But you know, that’s simply not true. If my dog dies I can’t all of a sudden feel happy. I’m an emotional being with emotional responses so I’m going to feel all of my feelings. It occurred to me today, however, I can change my perspective on a situation. That certainly is a choice.

This weekend has not unfolded AT ALL how I expected: unexpected houseguest! Little to no sleep! Crazy busy! I really thought I was going to spend this weekend sleeping in late and watching Netflix. Walking down the street this morning I started to feel resentment my weekend hasn’t even closely resembled that. What about all my sleep?!? What about all my rest?!? Then I heard an expression ringing in my ears: “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Aw shucks. Instead of whitewashing my feelings I changed my perspective: perhaps even though it’s not what I wanted, it’s what I needed. I got to be of service this weekend helping out my best friend. We hung out in a way we haven’t for months. Someone else made me dinner and washed my dishes and I got to play with a video camera. I laughed and relaxed and released a whole lot of tension. And I still have tomorrow.

This post probably isn’t very profound, but it just occurred to me my feelings are my feelings: I don’t need to change them or mitigate them or do anything except feel them. My mind though? That is a completely different story. I can absolutely choose to think differently even if I cannot feel differently. I can absolutely see the bright side of everything. I can absolutely believe God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself. I can absolutely aim for a broader perspective. There are things I can change and I choose to change them.

After reflecting on my day, I’m closing it feeling gratitude instead of resentment. I hung out with my bestie! I saw my favorite singer! I watched Kung Fu Panda 2! I filmed chase scenes with my neighbor! These are not horrible things. In fact, these are pretty awesome things. And that’s the beauty of perspective: it makes everything better.

I dream of a world where we change our perspective. A world where we see the bright side of everything. A world where we feel our feelings and change our thoughts. A world where we accept things as they are and change what we can. A world where we live, love and let go.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable. 

Happiness is Not on Layaway

“When I publish my book, I’ll be happy. When I marry a gorgeous guy, I’ll be happy. When I finish all my work, I’ll be happy.” When, when, when. I know I've written about happiness before, but now I'm deepening my understanding of it.

Lately I feel like I have a split personality disorder because there is the voice of my ego – the one that tells me I can only be happy once I achieve certain things – and then there’s the voice of love. I’m discovering another big lie I tell myself is happiness lies in the future. That happiness is contingent on the presence of certain things. Rev. Michael Beckwith refers to this as happiness on the layaway plan. I’m doing things now so I can be happy later.

What? How does that even make sense? By that token my happiness will always remain in the future, or like Abraham Hicks says, I’ll be happy for a second before I’m focused on my next “want.” What a horrible way to live. I mean, yes, I think it’s important to have goals and desires, but to always place my happiness in the future seems like a sad state of affairs.

I think this is the crux of living in the now because ultimately only “now” exists. If I constantly think I’ll be happy tomorrow, I will never be happy because tomorrow never comes, as my dad likes to say. There is only now.

I guess I’m waking up to the fact I can be happy anytime, in anyplace, during any situation. I’ve heard tale of extremely poor people who still seem incredibly happy and at peace. Those writing about the impoverished are often baffled as to why. “These people have nothing! They’re living in a shack! Why are they so happy?” I think this is it. They’ve learned the art of living in the now. They’ve learned the art of gratitude and appreciate. They understand happiness is in the present.

Tonight I also started contemplating the dangers of trying to “make” someone else happy. Is that even possible? Is that even something I want to strive for? It seems like an awfully burdensome road, constantly trying to make other people happy. It seems much wiser to just allow people to create their own happiness and hope I can come along for the ride. What a relief. To no longer believe I’m responsible for anyone else’s happiness. To recognize the best I can do is follow a moral code, learn from my mistakes, and apologize when I hurt someone. And really, that’s it. I am only responsible for my own emotions, and usually not even then.

I’m getting a little off track here but I guess I’m saying there is nothing in my future that will make me happier than I am now. I only think there is. Having said that, yes, it’s important to follow divine guidance and what my heart says because that puts me in alignment with my higher power, but I don’t have to wait to do that. I can move closer and closer to infinite love and peace each and every moment just by getting quiet. By expressing my innermost thoughts and feelings. Because when you come down to it, isn’t that what happiness really is? To feel love? Who says I have to wait?

I dream of a world where we feel happy now, where we feel peace now. A world where we understand happiness comes from gratitude and appreciation. A world where we reach up and grab the happy feelings because they are there for the taking. A world where we feel love both internally and externally.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Unconditional Happiness

It’s funny that I would title this post “unconditional happiness” when for the past few days I’ve been an emotional wreck – I flipped out on my best friend, cried to my mom, and have been feeling otherwise all over the map. I am by no means an authority on happiness (does such a person exist?) but I do know some things to be true for me.

After my raw post from last week certain things came to light. I’ve written before about not living my life on a layaway plan, not projecting my future happiness on winning a gold medal or whatever, but I did just that. I thought I needed to get exactly what I wanted before I could be happy. I couched it (subconsciously) as, “As soon as I get X, then I’ll be happy. Then I’ll feel at peace.” My breakdown last week reminded me of the fallacy of placing the cause of my happiness on anyone or anything other than myself. I was reminded that I do not have to wait for happiness. I don’t have to put it off. I can choose to be happy right here and right now.

How does a person even do that? How do they shift their feelings and feel whole and complete with what’s in front of them?

In a conversation with my best friend he asked me, “What is the purpose of your life?” and I responded, “Liberation.” And then he said, “What is the purpose of this life?” and I said, “To experience bliss.”

“What is the definition of bliss?” he said.

“I don’t know. How can you define bliss? It’s an emotion. It’s a state of joy.”

“And what’s joy?”

“Why are you asking me that? How am I supposed to describe joy?” (He and I have a very cantankerous relationship at times.)

“Just try.”

“It means to experience happiness.”

“What’s happiness?”

“To experience contentment.”

“And how do you experience contentment?”

“By being appreciative and grateful for what you have.”

Ah. Ding. Happiness starts with contentment. And even though right now my nickname could be senorita crazy pants, I recognize if I wanted I could change that. I recognize my mom will not make me feel better. I recognize publishing my book will not make me feel better. I recognize all the reasons, all the lists of things and events and situations I think I need to feel a certain way can be completely disregarded. I can throw those suckers in the trash not because they aren’t worthwhile or they won’t come true, but because I don’t need them to happen to feel better. And for that I’m grateful. Maybe I’ll get to experience bliss after all.

I dream of a world where we all experience untold bliss. A world where we live in unconditional happiness. A world where we live in love and peace and joy. A world where we recognize we decide how we feel. A world where love is bountiful and plenty and bliss floats like clouds in the sky.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.  

The Only Place Left To Go Is Up

I am sad and angry and pissed off. Mostly I feel cheated and lied to. I feel cheated and lied to because people have said, “Just do x, y, and z and then you’ll get what you want.” So then for years and years and years I worked on doing x, y, and z and now? I still don’t have what I want. I feel like a whiny baby for even talking about this but I think there’s an important lesson to all of it: other people are not privy to the details of my path. They just aren’t.

Other people don’t know. They know what works for them, what they did, but they don’t know what will work for me. No one can say to me, “Rebekah just do this,” because you know what? I did. I did all of it. Every single last thing. And now that I look around, now that I’m at the edge of the cliff what I want still isn’t in front of me. And I’m sad and upset and frustrated because, “You promised! You said if I did x, y, and z I would get what I wanted! But I haven’t!” And also there’s nothing left to try. Crap. Now what?

Bye bye control, that’s for sure. Bye bye micromanaging and thinking I can control the outcomes of my life. Bye bye thinking other people can tell me what to do. Bye bye all illusions. Hello higher power/God/Brahma/Parama Parusa, it’s just you and me now. I know you’ve been waiting on me for a while but I had to try it my way first. I didn’t believe you could or would handle things. I thought I had to take care of it myself. Now I know differently. There ain’t nothing left to do but give it to you. So here you go. You take care of things for a while. Me trying to control the outcomes of my life only drives me nuts.

And while you’re taking care of things for me I’ll walk over into gratitude and appreciation because I want to feel good. I want to enjoy what I have. I want to live in joy and love and happiness. I want to remember the good things in my world and all that I have, knowing everything else will take care of itself. This is me showing up and turning it over. I don’t know that anyone else will even benefit from reading this except maybe it will inspire you to let your higher power handle it too. Whatever “it” is.

I dream of a world where we remember we are all on our own paths. A world where we recognize other people only know what’s best for them. A world where we trust in a power greater than ourselves and let the future take care of itself. A world where we instead live in the moment, joyous and free, taking things as they come one day at a time.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Be Here, Now

“I just want to know the future. If I knew the future and what will happen then I can relax and enjoy the here and now.” I’ve been hearing this from other people all week, mainly former coworkers looking for a steady job, feeling anxious because they are currently unemployed. I feel this way too sometimes. A part of me wants to know whether I’ll be laid off come October when the next quarter ends. Or what my life will look like two months from now. And can I just say it sucks?

It sucks to be in a place where I’m worrying about the future, where I’m agonizing over what’s next instead of living my life. The over-used phrase, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans,” comes to mind.

I know for me when I start worrying about the future it’s because I’m not trusting in the process of life. I’m not trusting in my Creator and my Creator’s plan for me. It taps into my need for feeling safe and secure because somehow I think by knowing the future I’ll realize I’m taken care of. Somewhere along the way I picked up the idea I need to know what’s ahead in order to feel safe.

I think about something my friend Heather said to me about the future, safety and security: “Are you any more secure and stable now that you’re employed full time and have your own apartment? Or is it all an illusion?”

She’s right. Tomorrow I could walk into work and find out I’ve been laid off. In the next 15 seconds my apartment could flood or catch on fire or get hit with an asteroid. So no, I’m not any more secure and stable now than when I kept moving from place to place, it only feels that way. It only feels that way because I’ve quieted my mental chatter and I’ve allowed myself to believe I’ll still be employed tomorrow and I’ll still have a place to live tonight.

The place where I’d like to be is recognizing I am safe, secure and protected at all times. Since I recognize safety, security and stability is a state of mind, I’d like to change my mental patterns to reflect that. I’d like my safety, security and stability to come from within as opposed to external situations. I’d like to feel like no matter what happens I will be taken care of.

Once again I plumb the depths of my mind, I go internally and recognize the point of power is in the here and now, is within me at all times. I start affirming for myself I am safe, secure and protected no matter the circumstances.

Sometimes though it’s not so easy to say those affirmations and to believe them. I know that too. I know sometimes we cling tightly to an idea, to a need to know the future, for a certain situation to work out, for a certain person to be in our lives, for a certain job to drop in our laps. I know sometimes it’s hard to let go.

For me, before I can get to the places I want to be, before I can start believing the affirmations I say to myself, there’s a precursor affirmation: “I am willing to release my need for X.”

I usually fill in X with something I want to get rid of, like, “I’m willing to release my need for fear,” or “I’m willing to release my need for this condition.” Something that is not serving me and only holds me back.

Why did I title this post “Be Here, Now?” Mostly because the point of power resides in this moment. Because the present is all we have. Because the future is really just a concept, always changing, ever-new. I spent far too much of my life worrying about what’s next, missing out on what lay before me, lamenting would could be as opposed to enjoying what is. I want my life to be light and easy and joyful and that comes by trusting in God, changing my mental patterns, and feeling gratitude.

I dream of a world where we release our need to know the future. I dream of a world where we live in the moment, enjoying what is. Where we all feel safe and secure and protected at all times. Where the future is something we accept, but we also laugh because we realize there is only now. I dream of a world where we recognize the power of our minds to change our lives and our world. Where we live life in real time.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

Life Is Open And Uninhibited

Oftentimes I feel like what happens in my life is beyond my control. Getting a job, a boyfriend, an apartment, whatever, seems like it rests completely in God’s hands. I feel like all of it is outside of me and I’m at the mercy of someone else. What I’m inching toward is recognizing the power of my mind and how life is what I make it. How the things that happen in my life are because of my thought projections, whether they’re conscious or not.

This week I started being even more conscious. I’ve been feeling like there are blocks and hindrances in my life. That I can’t move forward because God doesn’t deem it so. That I’m stuck in a certain place and a certain situation and there is nothing I can do about it. What I realized this week is that’s completely not true. I am not a puppet at the mercy of a puppeteer. But neither am I a ring leader at the circus. My life and what I experience is more like a boat on a river – I’m paddling my little heart out, going in a certain direction but the current also has a say in the matter. What I realized, beyond the fact I have some say in my life, is the reason I don’t have what I want is because of me.

I place the blocks in my life, I place the obstacles in my way, I’m keeping myself from my heart’s desires, to an extent anyway. What I mean is, as soon as I’m ready for something it happens. And until I’m ready, truly ready, nothing will manifest. I think about my experience last year, how I kept saying I wanted a job and a place to live because logically I did. Intellectually, I wanted to get a steady income and settle down. In my heart though I wanted to be a vagabond, I wanted to be free to do whatever the heck I wanted. I wanted to flit from place to place experiencing anything and everything without any restrictions. I wanted to feel free and easy and independent.

Those of you who know me well and experienced last year with me know how I oscillated from feeling fine to feeling pressured to make money. I felt such angst and frustration because I felt like I should get a job, I should be employed because that’s what people do! In my heart I wanted something else.

The truth of the matter is, it wasn’t until my heart decided I wanted to settle down and get a job that I did. It wasn’t until my heart decided I wanted to work at an office that my future employer called me for an interview. I applied for positions for a full year, getting interview after interview with nothing panning out. When I made the decision, “Yes, I’m ready to go back to the daily grind, to working in an office,” my job came along. Almost immediately actually. And when I found my job, three days later I found my apartment. Because I was ready! Because I was in a mental space for it!

The reason I bring this up because today I am laughing. I may think I want certain things, but until I’m in the proper heart space it ain’t gonna happen. It just won’t. And so where I am today is I’m trying to enjoy my life, to accept where I am, knowing and trusting that when I’m ready, when my heart and mind sync up, God will grant my wishes. I’m trying to feel gratitude about where I am, about what I’m doing. I’m trying to live in the moment, enjoying things just as they are because my heart cannot be reasoned with – it wants what it wants when it wants it. When my heart desires something it will manifest. That’s what the law of attraction is all about.

And instead of wasting precious time feeling frustrated and angst-y that I don’t have what I want, I laugh and feel free and easy. I finally realize the only barrier to anything in my life is my own mind. I keep myself from having certain things – now I’m in a place where I realize more consciously the role I play. So I relax, let myself be, and know I can have what I want. Life is open and free and uninhibited.

I dream of a world where we see how powerful we really are. I dream of a world where we’re all more conscious of our minds and our lives and the parts we play. I dream of a world where we live awake, recognizing we decide how we live. I dream of a world where we are relaxed, where we enjoy what’s before us, where we feel gratitude for our lives. Where we know when our heart has a desire God will rearrange heaven and earth and give it to us.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.